Advice from a grieving mother

I gave birth to my first son at only 23 weeks gestation. He fought for his life for 39 minutes before joining all our loved ones in Heaven. This is not the first child I have lost. I had a miscarriage with my very first at only 7 weeks. I dealt with that pain alone. But, this time I couldn't.

I did not tell anyone about my miscarriage, except my husband and my best friend. I dealt with the heartbreak while putting a smile on my face to try to hide the pain. It was excruciating. Scrolling through social media to see all these pregnancy announcements were just a reminder of what I wouldn't have. It took me three years to get pregnant again. I was over the moon and so in love with my growing baby boy. I was ecstatic to have a little boy. Mama's boy.

On July 24th my world came crashing down around me. Earlier that day I notice a spot of blood when I used the restroom. Did not think anything of it because it was not the first time. And every other time I was told everything was fine. My husband works overnights two nights a week and this night happened to be one of them. Why wake him up to take me to the hospital when EVERY time everything was fine. So I went to bed.

Around 11:30 pm I woke up with stabbing pains in my back. I didn't think much of it, I had back pain the entire pregnancy. I ran myself a warm bath and figured it would help. It did not. By the end of my bath, which lasted roughly five minutes, my pain had gone down into my hips. I tried Tylenol and that did nothing. I knew it was time to wake my husband.

We get to the closest hospital to us, just to be told they are not a birthing hospital and I am in active labor. They have to transfer me. We get to the next closest hospital five minutes away. The EMT in the ambulance was the only one who was willing to tell me what was going on besides that I'm in preterm labor. No one would tell me anything. I need to know everything, I will continue to ask 'why' until I understand. She was patient and kind, she tried to answer my questions the best that she could. But most importantly. she listened to me.

They get me into a new room at this new hospital. My husband gets there, after what seems like forever. The doctor starts telling me that my son is breech and I need a c-section. She heads out to the hall to discuss with the surgeon when my son decides he's coming out and he's coming out now. The nurse ran outside to tell the doctor she was out of time, she got there just in time to watch my son come out onto the bed. NOONE even caught my child. He came into the world so unkindly. The doctors take him away and I watch across the room. They are trying to do everything they can to save his life. I tore so they had to stitch me up. The clamp they use was pinching me so painfully, instead of fixing it they gave me medicine that knocked me out. I have a high pain tolerance. The sewing wasn't the issue but, they wouldn't listen to me.

I woke up to the doctor telling me that my son did not make it and I didn't even get to hold him until he wasn't breathing anymore. This happened within one hour of us getting to the second hospital. ONE hour and my future was taken from me.

However, dealing with all of that would have been much easier if I was able to do it myself, alone. Instead, I was surrounded by people who were trying to show they care. But, it just made me feel worse.

There is nothing worse than hearing someone tell you "I'm sorry". What do you have to be sorry for? I know they say it because it's an uncomfortable situation but just don't. Then you hear the "why couldn't it have happened earlier in the pregnancy, then it wouldn't be so hard". Do not ever say this to someone, especially if you have never experienced it. I have lost a baby at 7 weeks, it does not make it hurt any less! I try to understand the perspective of the people who are saying these to me. But, it just doesn't make sense. When a woman is pregnant, she doesn't just think about the pregnancy. She thinks about the future, who her child will be, all the what-ifs, the sports and activities, the holidays, literally the rest of her life. So when that gets taken away unexpectedly there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make it better.

So, instead of trying to lessen the hurt. Ask what you can do to help us now. Do we need groceries to be picked up, food to be made because we can't see in between the tears? Or maybe, we can't pick ourselves up off the floor to even think about cooking. Are there other kids who need a distraction for a little bit because this is so overwhelming they can't process what is happening? My point is, instead of saying things that could potentially hurt a grieving mother offer your support in other ways. You have no idea how much it would be appreciated. The last thing any mom wants to hear about their child is "I'm sorry".

**Rest in peace baby boy, mama loves you endlessly.**