A Letter That I’ll Never Read Out-loud.

I feel ugly. Some of my actions or responses to things go wrong and it comes backs at me like a roaring fire. I can barely breathe sometimes when he’s mad and says things, but he apologizes. Makes it better. In the process of making me feel unwanted. A Burden. That word BURDEN. I always feel like a burden. I’m not wanted anywhere, i’m just coexisting. I fear i have an illness. Mental one. Postpartum. Depression. That’s another one. DEPRESSION. How can one word hold so much weight. WEIGHT. Ugh, i hate. “You need the excercise.” “Omg you got to lose weight girl.” “Stop being so lazy and walk faster. Keep up.” “Stop eating.” “You shouldn’t eat that if you’re trying to lose the weight.” “You’re really fat now.” They replay in my head on a never ending cycle. I go days without eating sometimes. I won’t eat until i feel weak. I do drink water though. I guess it helps with my appetite. I feel like i’m not doing what i should be doing for my kid. I’m raising her but am i keeping her healthy ? Am i being the best mom? Am i doing a bad job ? I must be cause that’s what she tells me. HER. She’s my fear. She made it her mission in life to make sure i will forever need her no matter if that taunts our relationship or not. She treats me so horribly but she gave me life. Evil lives within her and i fear it lives in me too. My worst fear is that evil being inside my baby.

Am i good girlfriend? Do you look at me the same way you did when you first saw me ? You do remember what you said right ? or is that just another memory you pushed ALL THE WAY back until it pressed up against your skull. To be forever forgotten but fimiliar. “You’re so beautiful i can barely stop looking at you.” That made me feel like i was on clouds. My body got warm and my heart started pounding. I felt my face get red but you couldn’t see that since we were in a car with lights off. From that night forward i always felt you looking at me. Even if it was for a quick second. I knew i was falling. I thought to myself, “How can a man like this so beautiful be attracted to someone like me? A loser. A loner. Fat Girl. Unlovable. Broken.” We taught me things about myself that i didn’t even know yet. Expanded my mind into horisonz i thought it could never reach. You gave me love. LOVE. We were expecting. Our baby. My little gift. The reason to why i haven’t ended it all. The reason my soul has been repaired. I’m experiencing a love like no other. A love that will ultimately change you and see the world differently. My savior. My angel. My daughter. If it wasn’t for you i’ll probably be dead. I’m just being honest. Your father rescued me but you truly saved my soul from dying. I LOVE YOU.

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I’m writing this well because, i have no one to talk to. That doesn’t stop me from writing it though now does it? If you ever feel this way please try to get help. Even though you might think you don’t need it. Get it. It’ll get better and it will be all over. Thank You for reading.

-S.C