Susie Castro

A Letter That I’ll Never Read Out-loud.

I feel ugly. Some of my actions or responses to things go wrong and it comes backs at me like a roaring fire. I can barely breathe sometimes when he’s mad and says things, but he apologizes. Makes it better. In the process of making me feel unwanted. A Burden. That word BURDEN. I always feel like a burden. I’m not wanted anywhere, i’m just coexisting. I fear i have an illness. Mental one. Postpartum. Depression. That’s another one. DEPRESSION. How can one word hold so much weight. WEIGHT. Ugh, i hate. “You need the excercise.” “Omg you got to lose weight girl.” “Stop being so lazy and walk faster. Keep up.” “Stop eating.” “You shouldn’t eat that if you’re trying to lose the weight.” “You’re really fat now.” They replay in my head on a never ending cycle. I go days without eating sometimes. I won’t eat until i feel weak. I do drink water though. I guess it helps with my appetite. I feel like i’m not doing what i should be doing for my kid. I’m raising her but am i keeping her healthy ? Am i being the best mom? Am i doing a bad job ? I must be cause that’s what she tells me. HER. She’s my fear. She made it her mission in life to make sure i will forever need her no matter if that taunts our relationship or not. She treats me so horribly but she gave me life. Evil lives within her and i fear it lives in me too. My worst fear is that evil being inside my baby.