A Bully for Christmas

The date: December 24th, 1998.

The time: 9:18 PM.

The location: Aunt Ruth’s house.

Every one was full of turkey and stuffing, Ralphie had just shot his eye out, and the presents were being doled out. Uncle Doug and Aunt Ruth’s house was Christmas Central.

Doug was wearing a Santa hat while smoking a cigarette. He was a bit gruff at times and kept the order in the household. The man never saw a shirt with a skeleton on it that he didn’t love. He was the man of the clan, pushing Sean to run faster and jump higher while making sure Ruby, his daughter, had a soft landing everywhere she went. A torn up shoulder from 60 hour weeks at the mayonnaise factory were a small price to pay for taking care of the family.

Ruth was the perennial host. She made a crazy cornflake cheesy potato casserole that was the center of every holiday dinner table. She kept her house Halloween ready all year round. Stacks and piles of Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Anne Rice novels on antique shelves and tables (that are older than all of you kids!) created a framework for statues of wizards, dragons, and monsters. Sean loved going to Aunt Ruth’s house.

She was cleaning off the the last dishes from dinner and grandma was busy taking the photos. Flash. Flash. Sean was grandma’s pride and joy. She brought him home from the hospital and the birth certificate had her name on it though he still called her grandma. She was retired now but raising him was a full time job and Ruth and Doug were more than happy to help. Sean and Ruby were like brother and sister more than cousin.

The grown ups were laughing at the novelty cards from Spencers Gifts about getting old and dying, they’re genitals turning to dust and blowing away in the wind, while Ruby and Sean, the only kids there (so the stars of the evening), were in a competition over who had the best haul. There was plenty of overlap: They each had a Furby, Star Wars figures they could combine and make fight or play house, and some Tamagotchis to kill and resurrect every car ride. Ruby got a Pro Yo 2 (Sean hated yoyo-’s, wasn’t any good at them) and some Spice Girls dolls but Sean was waiting on the big one, that little one on the bottom! The perfect rectangle. That’s the one he wanted! Just pick up that bottom one, Doug! All this other shit could be throw in a volcano for all he cared, give me the box!

Just a month ago he was stuck with aunt Ruth and grandma in the Northtown Shopping Mall at 8:30 AM doing one of the first “Black Friday” shopping sprees he could remember. Between all the socks and sweaters Sean saw the sign, big and wide over KB Toys’ entrance, a red backdrop with a gold and purple logo: THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME!

“I want that! Grandma, I want it! That’s all I want!”

This was THE game and it cost $69.95! Sean knew that was a lot of money but it was THE game! He didn’t have to beg much, he had already circled it in the dozen or so Christmas shopping magazines and brochures scattered all over the house. Sean was borderline spoiled but he still only got a handful of video games a year.

As soon as this little box of gold sifted to the bottom of the shopping bags Sean asked, with victory, “When can we go home?”

Ruth and grandma laughed.

“Hold on, we have to go drop this off with Santa. He’ll be bringing it Christmas Eve.” The cackles were like a screwdriver being twisted in his brain.

“But I just saw you buy it!” he whined.

“If we give it to you now there won’t be any fun on Christmas. Now just relax and show how patient you can be.”

Christmas was a month away but for a 12 year old it may as well have been a year. 8 years. 14 years. Good God when was it going to end!?!

TODAY!

Ruby’s pile was finished off by some pink and pastel colored hair-care set for little girls and their dolls that did almost nothing and would wind up in the ocean soon enough. No rocket launches, no spring action anything, just some combs.

“OK, we got one down here, what’s the name say? I can’t read it, let me get my glasses.” He stalled with a big shit-eating grin. All the adults were howling with laughter as Sean looked somewhere between pissing himself and punching the wall.

“I know what it is! Let me open it!” There was some calmness in his voice, the wrong outburst could ruin everything.

“Hold on, we gotta do this right. Those elves were working overtime on this one. Don’t want to skip over the craftsmanship put into this.” He unfolded his glasses and reinspected the card on the front. “To Sean, from Santa. OK, I guess this is —-“

Sean grabbed it from his uncle’s hand in a jolt that was bordering on getting a talking to but he didn’t care. Ownership was 9/10ths of the law or something. They were having a joke at his expense and Christmas was for kids, not adults. He ripped it open and there it was. The red on the side, the logo on front, it looked amazing. Glorious. Epic. The wait was over.

Even though the game was worthless away from his bedroom’s N64 and TV just having the box and being able to inspect it was better than any stupid set of action figures with plastic weapons waiting to be lost in the couch cushions. Every one clapped and hooted while Sean examined every square centimeter of that cardboard box.

“Ya see, you just need to have some patience.” His grandma said. He nodded out of respect but inside he was rolling his eyes, crossing his fingers, and every other form of “nuh uh” and “takesi’s backsi’s” you could think of.

“I know, I just want one thing and you guys were making fun of me.”

“Oh come on, we’re having some fun!” Ruth yelled from the kitchen. “Hey, let me see it. You can bring it over and play it here some time, I used to play Zelda, ya know. Hand it over.”

Sean let it go from his greasy palms. She inspected it, still in the plastic.

“Remember when the video game had 2 buttons? You had the A, and the B.” This was about the billionth time he’d hurt this joke but it also made him reminisce to a time he barely remembered when Aunt Ruth was the go to adult to beat the hard level in the house. “Sean, why don’t you open it so we can see the book.”

He took it back and before he had his thumb in the crease he could see a piece of the thin cellophane sticking up in the corner. Something was wrong.

“What did you guys do?”

More laughing. An inside joke that formed a finger aimed squarely at Sean. Even Ruby was having a good time of things. There was a big piece of the plastic casing that was melted into a ball, like there was a second layer of plastic around the whole box. He got it open and pulled out all the cardboard and instead of the gold cartridge and the book there was a second Christmas Card.

“WHERE IS IT!?!” The little boy had had enough.

“Open up your card, there’s a treasure hunt!” Doug demanded. His laughs were turning forceful.

“I helped cut the plastic!” Ruby was laughing hysterically at his pain.

He threw the box and card on the ground and stomped off. This set Sampson off, the big dog started barking wildly, which set Doug off trying to quiet the beast. The old house shook with every step up the stairs Sean took, the dusty chandelier swaying and making “ting ting” sounds. It all added up to a chaotic racket. He stood at the top of the stairs and let every one know what he thought.

“You guys think it’s so funny! Ruby gets to play with all her crap and I’m the one you can beat up! This isn’t funny to me!”

It all happened so fast his temper tantrum surprised the adults a little bit.

“Get back here. If you keep acting like that you’ll never get your present.” Grandma bellowed.

“Keep it! I don’t want it! I wanna go home!”

Sean ran up the stairs, the dog still barking wildly, and ran into the bathroom, the only place he knew he could lock a door and get away from every one. He broke down and started crying. Really crying. It wasn’t a cry of sadness but just a general collapsing of stress. Kids don’t have a lot to be stressful about but this was a conspiracy to piss a little boy off perpetuated by the the people he trusted the most.

Sean had all the problems little boys had. He had some bad haircuts, braces, wore the wrong shirt to school, and once in a while people laughed at him. Taxes, death, and snotty kids taking light in the anguish of others. From the mouths of babes come swear words and brute otherism.

There was a “stomp stomp stomp” of someone racing up the stairs and at the same time as a knock they spoke up with a harsh, deep voice.

“Now calm down and come back downstairs!” Uncle Doug was doing his best to sound scary. Doug could definitely be scary but he was grandma’s boy and all he had to terrorize Sean with was on the table already. “We’ll give your fuckin game to Ruby and you can go home with nothing!”

“Give it to her! I just want to go home.” was all he got out between deep, boogery sobs. Those crazy breaths kids do when they’re crying so hard breathing can be a chore. And he meant it, in that moment he wanted the world to burn.

More bangs and yells, demands that he grow up, a semi-threat to smack the shit out of him (grandma would never allow that). Sean looked in the mirror. He was blowing snot bubbles, bloodshot eyes, just as ugly as can be.

There was silence on the other end for about 30 seconds and then the stomping reversed back down the stairs. Sean sat up there for a while. Maybe 5 minutes, maybe an hour, time is fickle. He cried, blew snot, cried some more, and got to a point where coming downstairs was a matter of principle. He could hear them having grown up talks downstairs but couldn’t make out much. Grandma sounded frustrated, Ruth sounded like she was on Sean’s side, but Doug was furious. Then the door opened and Sampson barked wild once again. He knew who it was immediately.

“Merry fuckin Christmas! Where’s the ham?” Lisa screamed from below. Lisa was Ruth’s neighbor and best friend. Aunt Lisa but not really his aunt but she was super cool. Lisa was loud, loved to swear, and would tell Sean exactly what was going on when no one else would. When Sean got a D in math on his last report card he showed it to Lisa first and she promised to break the news to his grandma. Every kid needs an adult like that. She smelled like funny cigarettes too.

He heard a lot of stomping around and talking. Michelle and Melissa, her kids, were there too. They were way younger, like 2 or 3, and she was explaining that her husband, Frank, was working on Christmas Eve. “Triple overtime! Fuck yeah you can skip Christmas!” He could hear her clear as a bell throughout the entire house.

Doug was griping and then Lisa was asking where Sean was. Within a few minutes she came stomping up the stairs. She didn’t even knock.

“Let me in, buck-o.”

He opened the door and she slithered in, closing the door behind her, already smoking a cigarette. Sean had cleaned himself up nice by that point and didn’t have the boogers or red eyes anymore.

“Break it down, why you so pissed off?”

“It’s not fair! I sit around all night getting all these stupid Dollar Store action figures and socks and then I get the one present I want and it’s all a big game for them to tease me! Ruby gets all her toys and it’s her house so she can open them and stupid Doug says “go play with Ruby” like all she has is girl shit! (He could swear around Lisa, but not too much) I just wanna go home and, like, just, go home!”

She listened patiently, let him finish every word. They sat there for a second and Lisa opened her arms for a big hug while putting out her cigarette.

“Buddy, they play games with you cause you can take it. What do you think would happen if they did something like this to Ruby?”

“She’d cry and hyper-ventilate.”

“I didn’t see your little fit downstairs, but it can’t have been worse than when we missed the McDonald’s breakfast and Ruby ran out of the car screaming.”

This made Sean giggle.

“I don’t want nuggggggggets!” She shouted, imitating his cousin, flapping her arms around.

“Yeah, I just—“

“Stop it.” She cut him off. “You watch all these goddamn movies and specials of reindeers flying over the moon and shouting the meaning of Christmas, what is it?”

He was kind of confused by this one.

“Christmas comes once a fuckin year, we all make a turkey, and give gifts. Is that all it’s about? Presents?”

Sean took a big sigh. Even though he didn’t believe it in his heart he knew what she wanted to hear.

“Christmas isn’t about presents. It’s about, like, family. And the spirit of goodwill.”

“Did you get your grandma anything? Or Aunt Ruth?”

“No. I don’t have money.”

“Guess what present you could get them right now. How can you make them happy, huh?”

“Play their retarded game.”

“You’re a smart little dude. Let’s go.”

“They’re all so mad at me.” He plunked back down on the covered toilet, feeling a few tears readying to disperse again.

“I promise you we’ll go down and if any one says anything I’ll help you make it right. I’m a bossy bitch and Ruth likes me more that Doug but don’t tell him that. Let’s go find this Mario game.”

“Zelda.”

“Who cares. Let’s go.”

They walked down the stairs together and Doug was helping Ruby set up her horse stables on the floor while Ruth and grandma played with Lisa’s daughters, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee.

“You ready to join us?” Doug belched, just rude enough to make Sean wanna backpedal.

“Yep he is and I’m gonna help him find this vidiya game. Gimme that list.”

Now that he had a chance to look at it the card was kinda cool. They drew out a map of the entire house, including the garage, and there was a big X on it in the kitchen where the oven was. The oven had a cooler zip tied with a “fee-fi-fo-fife, go ask Doug for a Knife” rhyme on it. They cut that open which gave them another map leading back to the bathroom and under all the towels was card #3, then to the garage where there was a floating boat keychain with a fish on it behind a big poster on the wall of a skeleton riding a motorcycle into Hell with a cartoon naked lady on the back, and that key opened the tackle box that had a pack of Marlboro Reds in it, grandmas brand. They brought the smokes back to grandma who pulled the game out from under the couch cushion and the mission was complete. Lisa demanded a smoke for her efforts.

The stomps and shouts were replaced with chuckles and pats on the back. It wasn’t the last time Sean lost his temper, the world didn’t change that day, but he got older and older and the anger he had at opening the box faded into obscurity but imagining his aunt and grandma cutting the package open with a knife, gently sliding the box out, Doug and Ruby drawing out a bunch of maps and riddles, hiding stuff all over the house pop into Sean’s dreams when thinking about the relatives not around anymore.

Buying a present takes no talent, they made a memory for the whole family.