Self-Editing Epiphany

People Pleaser:

A blessing or a curse? I am the youngest of six, to a mother that struggled her whole life with Bi-polar disorder, before there was positive treatment. She was the daughter of an English teacher and the oldest granddaughter to a preacher. Because of this, she struggled to let the mask fall and get the help she needed.

Fast forward, she married an engineer who was rarely home and did her very best raising six kids under ten. Four of us were twins, two and a half years apart. With very little support.

As an adult with children, I now can empathize and understand a little about what she struggled with.

What does this have to do with my own self editing and epiphanies, you might ask. Well, out of our circumstances, we rise. Good and bad forming and shaping us into the people we are to become and without help, clarity and change, we are forced to repeat the cycle of error our parents did.

As a child, I witnessed my siblings learning the hard way, that during an episode, mom was not to be challenged, so I learned, early on, to become a pleaser. Knowing how to "read a room" became a skill I used daily, until about six years ago.

I was a pleaser in school, in church, at work and even in my marriage. I people pleased my way through raising my two children, who I refused to let become people pleasers. They wore what they wanted (within reason) without shame, chose the paths they desired to go down, albeit different from mine, becoming strong, confident women.

It took me people pleasing through my husbands affair, and falling in love with his child, moving out on my own and losing my mom to realize I needed boundaries. And believe me, they came hard and with a price.

I lost friends I would have never believed I would lose, just by choosing myself. I struggled emotionally and financially for two years to discover I was more than capable to live a life of my choosing.

Writing became a huge outlet for my misplaced emotions and lack of communication. I joined Vocal and began to read a lot of other authors stories, trying to mimic and finesse my own writing to their styles and techniques. But found that really stressed me out and stole the joy that came from putting my truth on paper. So, I began to write everything that came into my mind. And believe it or not my reads began to increase and people began to follow and connect with me, the real, deep, dark and weird me.

Learning to please myself has been a constant journey. I feel guilty saying no, and it still hurts me when I consciously put my wants and needs before someone else's. On occasion, I still fall into the familiar comfort that comes with giving in to pleasing, but now, I do it for the joy the smiles gives, both parties involved.

Thank you for coming along with me on this journey of self improvement.