The Purple Monkey Barks at Midnight

Derek was tired. It had been a very long and stressful day. He had given up trying to figure out the puzzle hours ago, but he was still feeling anxiety. “What does it mean?!” he asked himself.

Early that morning when he went outside to get his morning paper, (yes, some people still read the paper), it happened. There was a sealed cardboard box on his front porch containing $20,000 in cash, and a little black notebook. The book was small and handsomely leather-bound. Its pages were blank except for one, which had a hand-written message that read: “THE PURPLE MONKEY BARKS AT MIDNIGHT.”

He had no idea what that sentence meant, nor was there any indication as to who had left this strange gift on his doorstep. “THE PURPLE MONKEY BARKS AT MIDNIGHT?!” What could it mean? He’d never seen a monkey before, outside of the zoo or TV, and his favorite color was orange. Do monkeys even bark? He’d seen Howler Monkeys on the Nature Channel, but howling isn’t the same as barking, is it? What the heck was going on here?

He spent the majority of his day scouring the internet for clues. He visited the local library (yes, people still visit the library), in the afternoon. He called just about everyone he knew; friends, family, and even people he didn’t like but whose number he still had. They all thought he was either crazy or joking, and in the end, no one had any useful answers for him.

He thought about calling the police, but what would they do? Take the money and file a report? Besides, what if the person who left this came back to claim it? And what if that person was a murderer, a thug, a politician or a gangster? Nope, no police.

Through his research, he found out that monkeys do in fact bark, as do some birds, (birds?) rodents and deer, (deer bark?!) There are also some purple monkeys out there, sort of… the Purple-faced Langur has a purplish tint to its grey fur, and the Mandrill species has purple in its face as well. There is also a popular marijuana strain in Las Vegas with a similar name to “purple monkey” – could this have something to do with it? A mistaken drug transaction? None of this helped him to solve the puzzle in the little black book. It was infuriating.

The most interesting theory came from his “crazy” Uncle Chuck, who said it could be the aliens who had abducted him when he was a little boy (8 year-old Charles). Apparently, they were going to bring in more of Chuck’s family when “The time was right.” He swore he remembered seeing purple monkeys on the spacecraft, but the abduction happened over 50 years ago so his recollection was a bit hazy. Uncle Chuck felt this was most definitely a sign, and that he should be ready. He advised Derek to pack a large suitcase full of comfortable clothes, a Lithuanian/English translation book, sunglasses, a winter jacket, six 20oz bottles of filtered water (specifically), trail mix, B Vitamins, a toothbrush, and plenty of anal lube.

Derek even called his ex-girlfriend Ronnie (Rhonda), with whom he hadn’t spoken to in almost three years. She was the smartest person he knew; an EcoGastronomy Professor at Ohio State University. She was as clueless as everyone else. If Ronnie couldn’t figure it out, no one could.

After the call, Derek thought back to happier times when he and Ronnie would spend hours at the coffee shop down the street playing board games with her sister Lisa and Lisa’s husband Burt. Whatever happened to Lisa and Burt? They were pretty cool people. If he lived through this ordeal, he vowed to reach out to them, or at the very least creep them on Facebook.

Reflecting back, he realized that his phone conversation with Ronnie was the highlight of the day. “Funny” he thought, that a conversation with the ex-girlfriend who broke his heart three years ago was the high point of his day – and not the $20,000 left to him on the front porch from an anonymous benefactor.

No, the $20,000 had caused him nothing but confusion and misery all day long as he toiled mentally, trying to figure out who left the box of money on his porch and the cryptic message in the little black book that went with it. Something about the whole situation just seemed… off. If this was someone’s idea of a joke, it wasn’t funny. Not funny at all.

He imagined himself as the main character in some sort of spy novel or mystery drama. Where did this money come from? Why him? Was it a case of mistaken identity? Most spies are international, but he’d only travelled out of the country twice in his whole life: once to Cancun on spring break in college, and then a couple of years ago to Italy; that time he and Ronnie went to Rome to see the Vatican. It couldn’t be related to that, could it? More questions with zero answers.

It had been a long day, and Derek was exhausted. His mind was mush from the hours of fruitless research. He felt like he’d been cramming for a final exam in college. He hadn’t taken care of himself throughout the day, having been so focused on solving the riddle. He’d barely eaten or hydrated, and it manifested in his aching stomach and sore muscles. He hated that black book, he wanted to throw it out the window, stomp on it, rip it apart, or make it bleed somehow. But he was too tired to do anything.

Derek was sitting back, awkwardly hunched in his chair at the desk of his home office. His computer was still on, though he hadn’t touched the keyboard in a while, so the screen-saver was flashing different kaleidoscopes of vibrant colors and whirling patterns on the screen. It created beautifully tinted shadows that danced on the wall behind him, as there was no other light source in the room, save for the window. It had been dark out for hours now, though he hadn’t noticed.

The box of money was on the floor next to him at his feet, all of the $20,000 still there in neat little bundles. The little black book with the cryptic message was closed on his desk next to the computer keyboard. His hand shook as he grabbed his whiskey glass for another sip. He had hoped the drink would calm his nerves, but it hadn’t. With each passing minute, he was feeling more and more anxious. He closed his eyes rubbing his temples, then took a deep breath exhaling with a loud, audible sigh. He looked down at his watch. 11:56pm.

“THE PURPLE MONKEY BARKS AT MIDNIGHT.”

He thought to himself: “It won’t be long now…”