The Pharaoh’s Last Zoom Call

Setting:

It's 2024, but ancient Egyptian royalty has embraced modern technology. Pharaoh Ramesses III holds state meetings via Zoom, and palace conspiracies unfold in encrypted WhatsApp groups. The story begins with a palace filled with Wi-Fi routers, confused crocodiles, and queens who know way too much about hacking.

Chapter 1: A Midlife Crisis and a Spotify Playlist

Pharaoh Ramesses III scrolls through Spotify, muttering, “How does one feel ‘immortal’ today? Hmm... Fleetwood Mac or Drake?” He’s stressed—ruling Egypt is exhausting, and the economy is tanking thanks to pyramid maintenance fees and high papyrus taxes.

Meanwhile, in the palace’s west wing, Queen Tiye (Ramesses' lesser wife) swipes through Pinterest ideas titled: "How to Take Over the Throne in 5 Easy Steps.” Her son, Pentawere, slouches next to her on the couch, doom-scrolling Twitter.

Tiye:

"Pentawere, sweetie, this family needs a glow-up. Your father? Outdated. It's time we update the throne. Think of it like a software patch!"

Pentawere:

"But, uh… do we really have to, like… kill him?"

Tiye:

"Oh, don’t be so dramatic. It's just… creative career advancement."

Tiye starts texting the other queens and priests on WhatsApp:

"Ladies, it’s time to upgrade our Pharaoh. Who’s in? 🤭🗡️ #ByeRamesses"

Within minutes, the WhatsApp group chat titled "The Harem Hustle 🕵️‍♀️🔥" starts buzzing. Everyone sends enthusiastic emojis—snakes, knives, and coffins—and Priest Henut leads with: “Let’s Zoom at 7 pm? I’ll make slides.”

Chapter 2: The Zoom Conspiracy

At precisely 7 pm, the conspirators gather on Zoom. Henut shares his screen, presenting a PowerPoint titled “Project Pharaoh 2.0: A Strategic Elimination.” The slide deck includes charts comparing poisons, memes about overthrowing governments, and—oddly—a GIF of a dancing mummy.

Henut:

"Okay, folks, poison didn’t work last time. We need a new plan. Any ideas?"

Queen Tiye raises her hand on Zoom.

Tiye:

"Why don’t we… um… hack his pacemaker?"

Henut:

"Perfect! We just need someone tech-savvy."

Tiye waves to a palace guard with a mullet, who leans into the frame.

Tiye:

"This is Anubis, our IT guy. He’s got skills.”

Anubis smugly holds up a USB stick.

Anubis:

"With this bad boy, I can hack Pharaoh's Fitbit and make it say he ran 100 miles in one day. His heart will explode from stress."

Chapter 3: The Murder Attempt (Or Lack Thereof)

The night of the plan, Ramesses is chilling on the royal couch, binge-watching Ancient Aliens and stress-eating hummus. Tiye sneaks up, ready to inject his Wi-Fi router with malware—but trips over her cat, Bastet, and face-plants into a pyramid-shaped coffee table.

Meanwhile, Pentawere tries to plant a suspiciously large number of banana peels near Ramesses’ room, but Ramesses just steps over them while scrolling Instagram. "Weird," he mutters, barely paying attention.

In the kitchen, Anubis fumbles the pacemaker hack when the palace Wi-Fi cuts out. "Curse this 2.4 GHz network!" he shouts, shaking the router. Henut texts the group in a panic:

"Plan B! We go analog—swords and all! Meet at the throne room. Stat!"

Chapter 4: The Grand Finale (That Wasn’t Very Grand)

The conspirators storm the throne room... only to find Ramesses livestreaming a Q&A on TikTok.

Ramesses:

"Welcome to #AskPharaoh! Leave a question in the comments!"

Tiye awkwardly hides the dagger behind her back as Ramesses flashes a peace sign. Pentawere sits down and starts live-tweeting the disaster: "This coup is trending worse than my last TikTok dance challenge 😑 #Fail."

Suddenly, the palace Alexa chimes in:

"Reminder: You have a Harem Conspiracy meeting scheduled for now."

Ramesses freezes, narrowing his eyes.

Ramesses:

"Uh… what conspiracy?"

The conspirators exchange guilty looks. Henut nervously taps his smartwatch, which plays "Careless Whisper" by accident.

Chapter 5: The Twist Ending

Ramesses chuckles. "You guys are the worst conspirators ever," he says, shaking his head. "Seriously, you couldn’t even poison my hummus?"

Tiye sighs, lowering the dagger. "Okay, you win. No murder today. But, can we at least talk about an early retirement plan?"

Ramesses thinks for a moment.

Ramesses:

"Fine. I’ll abdicate… but only if I get to keep my Netflix password."

The conspirators agree, and just like that, the world’s most awkward assassination plot ends not with a bang—but with a chill.

Epilogue: Happily Ever After?

Ramesses retires to a cozy beach villa on the Nile, where he spends his days fishing and watching cat videos. Tiye becomes a lifestyle influencer, posting palace hacks on Instagram, while Pentawere launches his own podcast called “Coup Talk: The Art of Failing Upward.”

Anubis rebrands as a tech consultant, specializing in "Pharaoh-proof cybersecurity." And the rest of the conspirators? Well, they start a WhatsApp cooking group, where they swap hummus recipes and never plot murder again.

And thus, Egypt survives another day without a successful conspiracy—thanks to bad Wi-Fi, a clumsy IT guy, and a Pharaoh who just wouldn’t take anything seriously.

Moral of the Story:

If you’re going to overthrow a pharaoh, maybe don’t do it over Zoom.