London's Best Detective

London's Best Detective was a middle-aged man named Wayne Bateman, he was a very sought after Private Eye; "Britain's Greatest Detective" he was known as. For good reason, as Wayne had helped police solve some of the most insane conspiracies and murder cases, that ever disturbed the city of London. He was a cop in his youth, then slowly but gradually climbed up the ranks until he became the best of the very fucking best! In my previous story, I wrote about the legendary Clown Thieves, who made headlines for their many daring robberies across London, while dressed like punks with clownish makeup. Detective Bateman was assigned to investigating these mysterious pranksters, the difference between his by the book, good cop and super serious demeanour compared to their jokey, mocking and theatrical persona was a comical contrast. Detective Bateman often wore a black trench coat and fedora, looking like some 1940s noir Detective straight out of pulp fiction. The more Detective Bateman looked into the Clown Thieves, the more he hated them. Causing chaos, misery and pain to the innocent people of London was no laughing matter! Yet, the love partners in crime often mocked their victims. The green haired clown would bully people after mugging them, often mocking their appearances. The female harlequin he partnered with would laugh at his terrible jokes, join in on the fun of belittling their targets. In some cases this mad couple would spray colourful, yet grotesque graffiti upon the walls of the shops and banks they stole from, usually in pinks, blues, reds, greens and purples. Catching the two of them proved tricky, as Bateman began investigating crime scenes that The Clown Thieves had made, they left no evidence and their thick disguises meant it was impossible for anyone to identify who they truly were behind the fancy dress. However as previously mentioned, they had built a gang across London, one that dressed like punks in frightening clown makeup, looking closer to that of warpaint. They often hung around the darkest streets of Camden at night, Bateman tracked a few of them down one cold evening in January. He drove around for a few hours before finding a few, he exited his black undercover police car and bravely entered the dark alleyway to confront them. Looking like some kind of comic book super hero, his features hidden in the dark, as he matched towards the gang leader, who was a huge man full of muscle and tattoos.

"Hey, bruv!" The big guy chuckled, "wanna get mugged?!"

Bateman threw himself onto the gang leader, elbowing into the tough guy's neck.

"Where's the two lovers?!" Bateman demanded, his voice deep and growling, like some demented dog from hell itself. Then, before he could react; a glass bottle smashed into his neck. Bateman screamed in pain, throwing the big thug down to the ground, then turned to face a much skinnier gangster who was holding the half smashed bottle of beer in his right hand.

"Look what you made me do!" The little thug cried, "I was drinking that!"

"Drink this!" Bateman replied, sucker punching the thug so hard, he fell onto his back and blacked out. Then three more clown faced gangsters jumped Bateman. The Detective struggled to fight them off, as they piled on top of him. The middle aged man wasn't so indestructible as he thought, blocking a blade with his fingers that were soon cut up and stung beyond agony.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Bateman panicked, his once deep voice now a higher pitched cry for help.

"Not so tough now, are you?!" The big gangster laughed. Somehow Bateman slipped free of the gang bang, holding his bleeding hand into his chest, as he ran back to his car, narrowing outrunning the pursuing gangsters and climbing back inside his car. He drove off to a safer location, then called the local police to investigate the gang hideout. He didn't stick around to find out if the thugs got arrested or not, instead rushing himself to the hospital to get his hand fixed. Bateman was a tough Detective, but he wasn't tough enough. He needed help, a partner to watch his back and fight alongside him, so eventually he began searching.

Wayne Bateman enquired at Scotland Yard police station in London, requesting the help of another detective, who could partner with him during this investigation into the Clown Thieves. They said no of course, that they had their teams looking into the case. He understood and left the station, confused on what to do next. So he began calling other Private Detectives like himself, to see if any were on the same case as him; investigating the same criminals as he was. As it turned out, there was a much younger Detective much like himself who worked alone and independently. His name was Tim Robin and he had only just begun his solo career with little success. Joining Wayne on this adventure would be a great opportunity for him, so he took it gladly, shaking Wayne Bateman's firm handshake when they met at a local café in Chelsea. Soon they would become an unstoppable team known as Bateman & Robin, the detective duo who could solve any crime. That they did, starting with another gang of clowns hanging around the darker alleyways of Camden. They approached them like Bateman did before, only now that there were two of them, they could easily out manoeuvre and incapacitate the thugs, especially Detective Robin who was much fitter and agile than his middle aged counterpart.

"When's the next big robbery!" Bateman demanded, holding the clown gang leader in a painful headlock.

"Th- this Sunday!" He cried, "no, no, I won't say anymore!" He back pedalled.

Then Bateman twisted the big clown's arm into an agonising position.

"What time, what place!" Bateman yelled.

"No, no they'll kill me, Hayley and Joe Carr!" He whined.

"Hayley and Joe Carr? Is that their names?!"

"Oh shit, I've already said too much!"

"Might as well spill the beans!" Robin laughed, watching the gang leader squirm in Bateman's tight grasp, surrounded by the other gangsters who had been knocked out cold during the fight.

"No!" The gangster cried, then Bateman twisted his arm even more, making a small snapping sound, like breaking bone. Robin wasn't sure if he liked Bateman's ruthless methods.

"I'll kill you, if you don't talk!" Bateman roared, squeezing the gangster's neck, physically strangling him.

"Stop it!" Robin demanded, Bateman let go, letting the gangster breathe in and out.

"Uh... Uh fine..." The gangster sighed, defeatedly, "10 O'clock this Sunday morning, Royston Bank."

"They're trying to repeat the Grand Robbery?!" Bateman gasped.

"You didn't hear from me!" The gangster cried, "now, I told you what I know, can you let me go, please!" He begged, literally praying with hands while on his hands and knees. Bateman chuckled, then looked at Robin.

"Cuff him!"

"Of course!" Robin laughed loudly, before reading the gangster's Miranda rights. They called the police to come and arrest the clown thugs, then told them about the planned bank robbery on Sunday.

Detective Bateman, Robin and several other Hugh ranking police officers went undercover as civilians in Royston Bank at 9:30AM. Giving themselves a full half hour before the clown thieves showed up, if they showed up that was. The bank had opened at 9:00AM, but police had informed the staff of a potential high risk robbery taking place at 10:00AM that very day. Several other undercover police cars parked nearby, just waiting, or more accurately hoping that Hayley and Joe Carr would show up with a small crew of other clowns. Then 10:00AM came and went. Nothing happened, business inside Royston Bank went on perusal, they waited a further ten minutes. It seemed the information was false and Detective Bateman had wasted everyone's time, then at 10:24AM, three men dressed like clowns, one of whom was clearly the infamous green haired leader, with a female Harlequin marching in behind them laughing as she pulled out and smg and began threatening the staff and customers with it. Detective Bateman nodded at Robin and the other undercover cops inside the building, they all dived for cover and yelled; "police, you're under arrest!" and began firing warning shots at the clown gangsters.

"No!" The harlequin screamed hysterically, shooting her gun wildly. Robin shot her calves, tripping the poor woman over onto her back, with a loud thud that echoed throughout the bank building.

"Hayley!" The green haired gang leader cried, rushing to her aid, dropping his pistol in the process, with the two gang leaders down, the other two clowns tried to escape, but were held up at gun point by the other undercover police men. Robin rugby tackled green hair to the ground, then Bateman stood over the fallen gangster still wrapped in Robin's tight grip.

"Joe Carr, I presume..." Bateman grinned, looking down upon the green haired gangster.

"Wh- who told you?!" Joe cried.

"A little birdy..." Bateman laughed, before reading him and Hayley's Miranda rights, then placing them both under arrest.

A few months later, both Joe Carr and Hayley Quilt escaped their separate prisons. Nobody has ever seen them since, but Detective Bateman and Robin still search London for them everyday, as more and more clown gangs have popped up since then. Of course, they may be unrelated, copycat gangs copying Joe Carr's style. Whatever the case may be, Wayne Bateman is determined to stop this madness, before it consumes all of London.