Jail Journal: Page 8

I am sort of applying Cedar Hills strategy here: keep a Journal and try to do Qi Gong. The Qi Gong part is kind of out the window as I forgot a lot of the moves so I am just sort of dancing to myself in the mornings. Either way this whole thing is a super humbling experience, for sure.. Really the only thing I thought of or felt truly is regret of not visiting Yuuichirou before all this bullshit.

Maybe that was a blessing in disguise though, maybe I am a super oblvious creeper at this point and these pings I get are just me reliving old memories that are no longer valid. Maybe this is why people leave me too, maybe I am too honest with my dalliances with the past. Either way, that ship has sailed.

Today was pretty nice. I got to go to yoga and that brightened my day. It is funny because I kept on seeing vision of Sharma, the tarot reader so, maybe it was a link of some sort.

Maybe Jahon overwhelms me too much, and if you think about it we weren't so compatible maybe. It was crazy how many times we got together though. I guess that speaks to both of our Openness trait if this were the Big 5.

I guess I liked the idea of him more than anything, Even when our morals didn't completely align maybe. Eh, I also couldn't completely be myself because he felt so much more elevated than me. He traveled the world... probably sells drugs, avid party guy... like at 34 he can still do like a double backflip into a lake. Ectomorphs are surprisingly strong.

I don't think he really appreciated the qualities I had though either. He didn't care if I could cook or not, he kinda was more interested in me getting plastic surgery. Perhaps I should've just went with it and be like,Yea, get me that Sonobello body, boy~

But I was more concerned with the practical purchases like, food, shelter, etc. Things he was completely disenchanted from. I think he had low key depression really. Or maybe I was trying to feed an extraterrestrial Reese's pieces.

With both Yuuichiro and Jahon, I feel like I'd get along with their brothers more? That was an odd realization. I don't feel that way with Drew, I am pretty sure Drew is the pick of the litter out of that gene pool.

I don't know why I am thinking of brother's at this point, maybe mine is in trouble? My mom said that he got on her boyfriend's son before I got in here so, I am worried he probably got himself in some trouble too. Nothing I can do about that now though...

While I am writing this quietly downstairs, this obnoxious guard keeps telling me I have to go back to my bunk... It is like, I am still going to write, what?

Are you purposely defying me?

Yes sir, I am. You're disturbing the surrounding area more with your loud voice than I ever was sitting in a chair in silence. The display of "Authority" is not impressing me. You only get my distain, no fear. Demons and evil people feed on that shit.

You will become so cold with me, малыш...

I keep hearing his voice in my mind. I worry if when I do learn Russian, people's opinions of me will be so drastic. Is she Russian? Is she a spy? Or perhaps a turncoat? I do worry about these things but that isn't the deterring factor in learning, it is the language itself. So fucking difficult.

I don't care how they will publish my works in the history books, my actions are my own. I am the one who has to live with the consequences the most.

Anyway, I wish I knew enough Russian to cuss that dude out...