Jail Journal: Page 5

I am annoyed. Not Being able to enter the Ether as easily anymore s doing that to me. These disturbing revelations don't really mean much to me as they are just shadows among the walls and the recesses of the inmates minds. Thank god my 6th house is in Leo, otherwise the stress of this place would've made me sick by now.

Yea... I never expected to end up in Jail. Oddly enough, I am concerned with whether or not god will reveal who my future husband is. Probably because most of the women just talk about their love lives or perceived ones. I know realistically it is my choice at the end of the day, but I just would like to make that choice confidently.

But as many say, including me, most marriages end in either death or divorce.. Perhaps I am being too serious about something that is fleeting anyway, I mean, what is life but a dream?

I wonder if some of this bad luck comes from my family name? I would like to do away with it if that's the case. I wish someone would visit me here but the visitation is so strict. They can't visit unless I have the person's address and phone number. If it was someone I love, it would be better but, anyone would be nice.

I've made my life to where it is full of secrets so, I can't be expecting open shows of affection. It's never been my style. I miss the thoughts of better times even if they are so private.

Sort of way out of the esoteric narrative I've been weaving most of the time here, I found a huge chunk of black ear wax in my ear which is abnormal for me so, I am wondering why that was?

Maybe it is the shitty food making me sweat more or the aspestos on the cieling in this room. Either way, I am going to plan a fast. Who knows? Maybe fasting will allow me to enter Satori and Buddha will come to me in the Ether. Maybe it will clear my head so I can plan better going forward.

I don't remember last night's dreams. I think that one chunky Aries I worked with before was in it... I think her name was Melanie? She said,

" If you don't spend money, it is good night "

Basically what I took it to mean was " Let others pay for you. " Which I guess is nice? I don't know how it is relevantto the situation I am in now. Also there were massie pumpkins in the dream. Like house-sized ones with people living in them, fully furnished.

I still don't understand Drew's perspective when I explained the rental situation to him. I think he was low key rubbning in my face that he had more money than me Either way, it is not important anymore. I think he was present in my dream as well, but it was more as a symbol than his actual prescence.

I really don't understand 'jail culture' at all. People mumble or bark at each other like animals and the jargon completely goes over my head. Everyone seems to be on a similar frequency which is completely foreign to me. I am just annoyed of being here.

Also it is annoying that my SSI might stop just from being in here too long. I am just going to pray for a miracle, that's all I can do. Looking at the visitor's list form is also dismal. I don't have the information to fill it out so, there is no point in hoping for visits.

My attorney said that names were enough when he visited, and told me several people actually DID want to visit, but the guards were more strict about it when I tried to fill it out. I was glad at least my attorney visited me in jail.