Jail Journal: Page 4

I thoroughly enjoyed last night's dream. I was shopping at a mall or something like that and I just so happened to see Chiro. Somehow we were both single and decided to leave together. Jahon came in like a jealous bad ass ex Russian boyfriend, trying to run into our car with a black kia or something. We evaded it which lead to a chase on the highway. We decided to go to the airport and flee to Japan.

Whew, so exciting. The dream might've been pure fantasy but I wish I could see Chiro naturally again like in the dream and he would be single. I do regret leaving him but maybe it is more because I just up and left without explaining myself.

" I don't think I can do this anymore. "

He didn't ask questions either, since he is 'stoic' or whatever. Maybe he was too hurt to do that. I just felt like I should've sat him down and explained my reservations rather than just calling it quits, but I do know I can't be picking up his share of the blame either. Either way, I was a coward.

I had another dream but it was basically like Princess Diaries but with creepy angel creatures almost like Deathnote's shinigami. Probably influenced by this Kabbalah book I am reading.

I also have been thinking about cultural appropriation while in here. I use the name Hanayura or

One could say that is appropriation since I am not ethnically Asian as far as I know anyway but, I was given this name over 15+ years ago by a Japanese person. It is possible it was just a joke at the time, but I took the gesture sincerely and used it ever since. It might be an abuse of my loyalty at this point, but I consider it one of my positive attributes, to be so steadfast. I know that turns me into a major nerd, but hey, who isn't a nerd at/in something?

Also you got to think about Lady Gaga, everyone knows her real name is Stefani, but people know her more as Lady Gaga.

I am not too fond of GP at all. The energy is scattered and I can't connect to the Ether/Dream-state very easily here. It is as dense as the freakin cakes and bread we get with every meal.

There seems t be some sort of schizophrenic imbecile over in the counter. She randomly yelps out things, like " Elohim! " or " Quack! " and laughs throughout the night. I think her sense of reality completely left her from being in here for so long.

I am on a different frequency than everyone else in here, and for once, that doesn't make me jealous or sad. The corruption of this place is disturbing. I am kept away from it's dealings but I can sense its happenings. Luckily I don't feel I am being corrupted just yet, but I do feel a dimming.

I guess, while I am in here, I don't have to worry about the cost of food or toiletries and such like that, which is a small plus. We're given indigent on Tuesdays, which is for people who don't have funds on their account. They are given a bar of soap, small shampoo bottle, comb, 2 inch toothbrush, tooth paste, hair tie, 2 sheets of paper, 2 envelopes.

Before this, I was worried about a deposit for rent of my new apartment but I don't even know if that is still an option or not. Perhaps I can form an LLC or something when I get out, like I always wanted. I am not sure. I might just be homeless. I don't know what my mom's opinions are of all these things.

What makes it worse is I have no access to my phone so I can't contact anyone else. When they asked for emergency contact in booking, I couldn't name my mom. I almost thought of adding Chiro, but we haven't talked in forever so I thought it wouldn't make sense, also I wasn't aware at the time how long I'd be in here.

I wonder if I used up my life's luck? I try not to think of that too much though, I really do think things will get better from here on out. It is like they say: Once you've hit rock bottom, there's only up from there.