Jail Journal: Page 3

I checked out 2 books, The Essential Kabbalah and Библия.

The Kabbalah I feel is just a man's attempt to describe the ineffable through an Abrahamic lens. "The Anatomy of God", the 10 Sephirot, serve as some metaphysical system of the aspects of divinity, but even in the book they say the task is folly. They even made up some sort of unit of measurement: Parasangs. They attempt to describe it in physical measure, then ascend or descend into the fantastical. Maybe these old Rabbi were able to perceive multiple dimensions or something of that nature?

The other book is just simply the bible in Russian. I figured I could try to practice reading but unfortunately I am not super familiar with the English translation and I am not really that good with Russian so, it made it quite difficult just reading things phonetically without knowing the meaning of anything but a few words.

I once bought a Siddur with English translations along with the original Hebrew, but this was not the case for this book. I remember my favorite prayer was,

Blessed HASHEM he who makes all the creatures and people different.

This is for something that is perceived 'ugly' and I thought that was hilarious.

I avoid describing the actual physical place I am being held because it is quite dismal. I joked we're in the Gulag, but in truth, I have no idea about that place.

I am abnormally ok with keeping to myself for the most part. I don't see myself making any long term connections here. You'd also think I'd be more proactive about my release but I have fell into a despair likened to that of Victor Frankl, and just accepting of my fate and making the best of it. I sort of blame that part of this on me being on the spectrum. It also just might be trauma having me shut down.

Either way, I'll wait until Monday to call and ask my attorney about stuff. I feel that is better than the weekend. I don't think he can do anything about my SSI or things outside of just getting me out of here. I might need to write a letter describing my situation to sort of smooth over some of the bumps getting out.

I want to call my aunt but my attorney said I am not able to contact family members since the victim is in contact with them. I told him my aunt and her sister (my mom/victim ) don't talk but he really say anything to that affect and everything was up in the air. I am really too tired to fight anything and I am just depressed constantly so, I am not sure if my mental health is doing well. I am also not allowed to take my anxiety medications so, this is me raw dogging life right now. Maybe it is the cold or the monotony but, it is all just taking it's toll on me.

The last dream I had was pretty 'spoicy' though. I had a naughty dream of that guy Gio but then it melted into a final fantasy game where I was on cliffs and there was an air balloon system that allowed me to get to another cliff. On the other side there were blankets and pillows all over the floor and underneath there were a bunch of meowing black kittens. I was trying hard to watch my steps while gathering some of the kittens and putting them in the air balloon.

Everyone sounds sort of dumb to me today, like everything is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I keep thinking of what I want to eat or drink once I am out of here. Maybe I'll order a few things and make a mukbang video. Whatever it is, it will definitely not be cake. I am so sick of cake. we get cake every meal as if that makes things better. It is nice but it is probably the reason I fart so much.

My bitchiness might be sexual frustration from that dream though so, I figure that is probably it. I might need to fast tomorrow so I can calm down a bit and not be so on edge as I am.