Jail Journal: Page 12

I don't feel particularly clever right now. I don't know my housing situation anymore. Men are so unreliable too. You ask them for help and they ask why. Society is too self serving anymore. I don't really care either at this point. I am just leaving everything up to god. I just have to focus on my own goals and anyone who doesn't align with them has to go. When another crossroad moment happenes, that is what I'll have to keep in mind.

It's weird, I didn't even get sad when I said I didn't have an emergency contact anymore. I did cry about my situation the day afterwards though, so I am not completely stoic, just regretful? No.. I made a choice.

I faintly though of the incident in Tilamook. That was pretty big trauma. I guess I was hoping the aura Drew has would've protected me during that time, but I can't see my own aura so I have no idea what my abilities are.

The air is so dense in here, all the voice are dispursed into whispers. It's rather eerie actually. Time is going by fast. What holidays have I celebrated? What parties have a participated in? Do I even want to do those things? Maybe not but, I want more memories celebrating my life in my own way. I want my own version of happiness.

I am stuck in a moment of tie with my memoires of Yuuichirou. It was just everyday life with him that made me so happy. Hiking the nearby trail, making dinner together, watching movies. I was so happy and felt like I actually 'made it'. Now, I am scared to death to even call him on the phone.

I don't think he actually felt the same if i am completely honest, but sometimes I wonder how selfish it is to live for your own happiness? I feel like I need to maintain my composure though. I don't think this is love screaming from my heart right now. I wouldn't call it desperation either, no. It is some sort of pining for the past, happy memories that I stubbornly cling to.

I have had many interesting experiences since we last met. I am sure he has too. I don't know how that has developed us as people ging forward but, I think I've changed somehow. I want to go back to sleep and get more downloads from the Ether but, I am sort of emotionally spent.

I did eventually dream; I was at my grandma's house and there were many people there. I hugged my Aunt Pat, who accepted it reluctantly. Everyone in the house was speaking Spanish, especially in the kitchen. There were many blue cars outside such as the ones I was seeing with Drew.

One almost ran me over when I went outside so, it makes me think that wasn't such a positive sign, or perhaps it was the foreboding of the cops arresting me. Either way, the dream had a lot of traveling at night.

I magically found myself witnessing Dr. Yang and the Black Doctor she was dating/engaged to from Grey's anatomy watching the new years ball drop in New York. It then warped into this dusty town up a hill.

I saw a perso who kind o looked like that one Filipino(?) influencer with a condition that makes them bald and lose teeth, with a small nose. There were brutally sodomized in this dirty room/cell with heavily soiled pillows and blankets all over with broken furniture. There were even rolled up old used diapers and stuff scattered about.

I looked at my phone in the dream and on the screen it said, " She as or seex wirker ". All in incorrect spelling making me feel like the whole dream was cursed. After they struggled to stand up I noticed it was actually biologically a man.