A Privileged Statement

It wasn’t a bribe, if that’s what you’re implying. It is not uncommon for a tenant to reward good service from his building manager. And our building, as you are aware, is known (no, renowned) for its excellent (no, flawless) service. A bribe – ha! The incident with Mr. Diavoli and the unfortunate termination of Ms. Rabinovitch’s lease have nothing to do with each other – not one thing.

[Question Unrecorded]

Well, of course. Meticulous records of such complaints must be kept.

[Question Unrecorded]

Indeed, it is the duty of any building manager to keep them. Mine are kept in a small black notebook at the lobby desk, so that any tenant can, at any time, lodge a complaint.

Like a mother and her children, I am only as happy as my least happy tenant.

[Question Unrecorded]

Are there many complaints? Well… It depends on what is meant by "complaint." Are there complaints about the service provided to our tenants? Pft – I shudder at the thought. Have there been… other complaints? Complaints about the building itself? Well...

But I should think that any such complaint is drowned in an ocean of praise. The building is elegant and thin, like a beam of light a hundred and two stories high. (I am told – you will be happy to hear – that pilots have complained about the blinding glint of the crystal structure as they takeoff from the city. But complaints by our tenants?) Our building opened in April and, on the promise of unequaled comfort, it was quickly populated. One hundred and two floors: One hundred and two tenants. It was hailed in L’élève d’Architecture magazine as the “most controversial” skyscraper (in the sense of inducing rank envy) west of Dubai. My little black notebook is a trifle. But since you must know, it is the duty – I say again – of any building manager to keep meticulous records of complaints charged by his tenants, reasonable or not.

[Question Unrecorded]

My statement is privileged, yes?

[Answer Unrecorded]

It won’t be used in any other proceedings? I absolutely refuse to defame or malign–

[Answer Unrecorded]

Privileged? You are sure?

[Answer Unrecorded]

In that case, I don’t think it is inappropriate for me to disclose that the notebook is… already full. It is not easy to discuss, you understand. You are no doubt wondering how a building with such a sterling reputation as ours could have garnered even one tenant complaint, let alone enough to fill a notebook. As I say – it is not the service which has stirred complaint. It is… well…

[Question Unrecorded]

It is certainly not a major flaw! Though, I will not go so far as to say the problem is inconsequential. Even the smallest inconvenient to our tenants is, to me – intolerable. The complaint, as I am certain you know, is always the same.

[Question Unrecorded]

No, not only by Mr. Diavoli.

[Question Unrecorded]

The matter you refer to began when Mr. Diavoli visited the lobby to speak with me. (As you have assured me this is a privileged statement, I feel at liberty to tell you it was… not the first time.)

To be sure, I was and am pleased to have Mr. Diavoli as a tenant of our building. His shoes are of course known the world over. I believe it is the duty of any building manager to support the work, in whatever way, of his tenants, and so I purchased – at considerable expense – a pair of Diavoli shoes myself, which I wear to work each day. He has not made specific mention of it (it would be crass, anyway, to do so) but I like to think he has appreciated the gesture of support and encouragement. In turn, I sent an email to all employees of our building encouraging them to also make Diavoli their shoes of choice when coming to work, (though to my disappointment none as far as I can tell have done so).

Which is to say that Mr. Diavoli and I have, I believe, a cordial and proper relationship. Nothing more or less. I heard the elevator chime (composed by Mazomoto) and Mr. Diavoli approached me to inquire–

[Question Unrecorded]

If Ms. Rabinovich has said he was screaming, so be it – I assure you he has always been cordial. He is the portrait of a gentleman.

[Question Unrecorded]

You expect me to dignify such a charge? Eff this, eff that – ha. As I say, Mr. Diavoli is and has always been a gentleman. He approached my desk to lodge a complaint. We exchanged a few words further, but ultimately I withdrew my Montblanc (a custom model for our building) and black notebook, and added the complaint which I had recorded a thousand times before: Our building groans.

[Question Unrecorded]

It is, I must admit, a minor defect. No, not defect. A minor feature. It is actually in the tenants’ best interests, you see, that the building should emit a low (barely audible) groan. You see, a building as tall (quite tall) and as thin (quite thin!) is naturally at risk of being blown over in the wind. In one strong gust it could become unmoored, and come crashing down like a writhing snake upon the city. Such is the risk for a building of a lesser design. It is the genius of our building to be slightly flexible. In other words, it is designed to twist and bend as the wind pushes it this way and that. This makes the building unimpeachably safe but the sound which the steel beams produce as they twist is… well…

[Question Unrecorded]

I think the comparison to a slaughterhouse is absurd.

[Question Unrecorded]

As I said, it is a minor feature of the building – not a defect. And the issue here is not this-feature-or-that. The issue is Ms. Rabinovitch’s complete unfitness to be a tenant.

[Question Unrecorded]

It was not a bribe. It was—

[Question Unrecorded]

If you must know, it was for excellent service that Mr. Diavoli wrote me the check for twenty thousand dollars.

[Question Unrecorded]

May I continue? It will all be perfectly understandable and proven perfectly innocent if you would just allow me to explain.

[Answer Unrecorded]

It is true that Ms. Rabinovitch was walking Nippy Rabinovitch, her Pekingese, around the lobby. (It is a dog so well-bred, as to nearly be flat.) It is also true that she approached Mr. Diavoli and myself – she says because Mr. Diavoli had been “screaming” at me, in her words, but again I assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth. And moreover, it is just another example of the antisocial behavior of Ms. Rabinovitch to invent such a thing – the same behavior which led her lease to be, unfortunately, terminated.

Mr. Diavoli mentioned, cordially, to Ms. Rabinovitch that the groaning of our building had become, to him, insufferable. I do not remember if she made any reply.

[Comment Unrecorded]

If Ms. Rabinovitch says she indicated that her apartment had no such problem – so be it. I do not remember.

[Question Unrecorded]

Yes, it was then that Mr. Diavoli and I had a short discussion, the subject of which I cannot remember, and he wrote me a check for twenty thousand dollars as a reward for the good service provided to him.

[Comment Unrecorded]

It was not a bribe. I have already said as much.

[Comment Unrecorded]

If Ms. Rabinovitch would like to invent a fairy tale about how Mr. Diavoli conspired to get her apartment, on account of the apparent lack of groaning in it, then so be it. I cannot make an unwell woman well.

It is sheer coincidence that our tenants soon thereafter came under review, and that it was found advisable to terminate Ms. Rabinovitch’s lease on account of numerous – I repeat, numerous – complaints made against her. To imply that Ms. Rabinovitch’s lease was terminated, so that Mr. Diavoli could have her apartment is – I have no words for the absurdity of it!

[Question Unrecorded]

The termination was absolutely justified. As I have said, it is the duty of a building manager to keep meticulous record of complaints made – and my notebook will show many such complaints against Ms. Rabinovitch.

[Question Unrecorded]

Complaints are always recorded anonymously.

[Question Unrecorded]

If that woman–.

I apologize.

It is difficult to hold one’s temper when accused of such a thing.

If Ms. Rabinovitch would like to accuse me of falsifying records, she may do so. I demand to know the evidence.

[Comment Unrecorded]

But the fact of Mr. Diavoli giving me twenty thousand dollars, for excellent service, and then subsequently moving into Ms. Rabinovitch’s newly vacant apartment is not evidence. Would you assume that because a waiter has been tipped by one diner, it is for this reason he asks another unruly diner to leave? I am but a glorified waiter of a hundred and two story restaurant.

[Question Unrecorded]

No. I did not cash the check... But is that not just further proof that it wasn’t a bribe?

[Question Unrecorded]

Well…

[Comment Unrecorded]

Yes, I know this is a sworn statement. I need not be condescended to.

[Question Unrecorded]

If you must know – the check bounced.

[Question Unrecorded]

It is completely unrelated.

[Comment Unrecorded]

If Mr. Diavoli found that, after moving apartments, the groaning noise was no different, then I have no reason to believe otherwise. If he thought that Ms. Rabinovitch’s old apartment would be immune from the noise, then perhaps he was mistaken. I cannot say.

[Comment Unrecorded]

If it was only after moving that Mr. Diavoli called his bank to cancel the check, so what? Perhaps he had discovered that he could not afford such a generous tip after all.

[Question Unrecorded]

Why should I be subjected to all this? If Ms. Rabinovitch chooses to sue our building that is her choice. But why should I be maligned, for nothing other than providing excellent service? Yes, our building groans. Yes, Mr. Diavoli wished to move to another apartment where he could not hear it. Yes, Ms. Rabinovitch claimed that you could not hear the groaning in hers. But if she lied about not hearing it, isn’t it just another in a string of behaviors which make her an unfit tenant?

[But Rachel Rabinovitch is eighty-seven, and hard of hearing.]

So be it. It changes nothing.