Word of the day: 切ない

I am at the library today and I just got done talking to Jahon on the phone. He sneakily called me on another number and I was dumb enough to answer an unknown number.

He asked me to go fishing of all things? I mean, he says he isn't doing drugs but he feels about the same as before. I feel like I was too dumb to be answering the phone, I should've known better.. Also I know I don't believe what he says.

He says he is doing uber now but only drinks a little bit, which is a lie because if he was drinking while driving he'll get a DUI. I just know that the night before I was throwing myself on the floor saying, "Why is this happening god? What is this karma for?" Well, it was for answering the fucking phone.

Ok, I lied, I had saved his number so it said 'Jahon' on the phone. I was more determined to tell him I don't want to talk anymore or something but he is so nonchalant about everything and just acts as if nothing is wrong. It throws me off and I don't know what to do, but I feel like.. I have nothing right now going for me, but I'll talk to Keely and Teresa tomorrow about it. Or just Keely.

Keely is my case manager for this new program I am in. She is a skinny young woman who has long sandy hair and big hooded blue eyes. At first I thought she was sort of... not dumb, but I wasn't sure I needed her services but, I think she was just doing stuff by default since she didn't know who I was yet.

I don't know if I should necessarily be talking to her about Jahon but I have no one to really vent to about this and I feel like, that fact alone is what will make me do something stupid if I don't let it out somewhere. But I really need to think about what I am wanting to do.

I can't think about it now. It is 10 minutes until my lesson. I am listening to music to distract me. Unfortunately our usual study spot is being taken up by some people so we can't utilize it today but, I did manage to find a table in the back of the second floor that we can use just as well for what we're doing.

I really want to finish writing this before shutting my computer and packing up my stuff to go see if that spot has opened up, or at least to walk around there to wait for him.

I don't have much to say after what happened, but I noticed Jahon calls after I drink alcohol. I wonder if we're spiritually connected and he is attached to my lower inhibitions. I am sure he just wants to have sex.

Am I that bored that I am willing to take back such a guy again? I can't be this naive. I need to be stronger but god is giving me a really hard test right now, I am not sure if I'll be able to pass but if I can hold out until tomorrow to talk to Keely and get her opinion or at least support in this, I feel I can do a bit better with it.

Ah it is 2pm so I better head out and try to find my student. It is our last session after all and I don't have anything else to do, really.