Word of the Day: 速攻

I slept with this guy named Bobby. He was this handsome half Japanese half white guy. He has a youtube channel with like 4k followers so that's neat but he's a complete tool otherwise. He just led me on and then proceeded to ghost me when I tried to follow up, thinking maybe the first time was just awkward but he did no such thing.

I am not necessarily upset or distraught but more disappointed. I am quickly wanting to find someone else to occupy my time but it has been a waste all around. I didn't even stream these past two days since I just wanted to laze around on my new bed my mom bought me. I have been even too depressed to make it, I have just been sleeping right on it.

Today I am going to clean and work on myself and get back into myself for a second I mean it is disappointing to be rejected so much lately as I have really been trying to find some connection somewhere and the best I could get is this bisexual mess that I don't even want to go down the road of indulging.

I really need to get back to channeling the ether even if it makes me end up in a dark place. I am in a dimension that is too light to really function out of and I need to get that fulfillment feeling somehow to allow me freedom to work on the things I need.

I think fasting and channeling is the key to this I am just worried about how long it will take me.

I have not really been into cooking lately so I haven't eaten anything. Depression can only go so far though because I'll eventually get hungry and make my way to the grocery store.

I am a little disappointed in myself too, because I feel like maybe I did something wrong but logically I know that isn't the case and he's just as guilty of being boring as I am.

I just hope I don't get pregnant from him because he blocked me or whatnot.

I feel I was so close to manifesting what I wanted but it was just like not enough and petered out.

I don't even think I know what i want anymore or capable of having what I want. Flirting with guys online is not a relationship, and I don't think I will get a Kenta ever again. ( My first boyfriend was a long distance relationship )

I was more disappointed realizing that Geo didn't like me as much as I thought. That was way more disappointing.

I'm watching my mom's dog right now and it is giving me a bit of a reprieve from all the stupidness of my life to simply play with a dog for 6 hours

I thought about getting high but I kind of want to be sober playing with her plus indica makes me tired and with this sweeping depression I have it is hard enough to get going during the day.

It is sort of addicting swiping through tinder and it was an addiction I didn't plan on having at the moment but I feel like, the little dopimine hits of matching with people are the only thing keeping me sane right now

I ended up matching with a guy named sebastian again. We've known each other for a while and just meeting up today. I am hoping it will go well I am not more energized to be cleaning but at least it makes me hopeful for a good evening tonight.