Word of the Day:補助輪

I was saying good morning and complaining a little, but then he calls me and makes me feel bad for getting out of bed late.

Добрый утро любимый

I am listening to Linda, which I will admit is not the best to listen to on this day but I am just feeling so down and annoyed by yesterday. Also it seems to be a pretty positive reading despite everything so, if it is giving me some energy, I am going to take it.

I guess I also feel maybe drained because Steven messaged me out of the blue from not talking at all together, asking me if I was ready to meet him in December. I mean, if it were the past, I would've been happy but I feel like that ship has sailed.

I am just hoping this Vocal entry can serve and replacement therapy right now for me, because last night I was planning my whole week since I felt so guilty for skipping yesterday. My tiredness today is also annoying me today. I don't want to interpret it as a sign I shouldn't go, I think more accurately is that my mom and Peter's presence are draining me.

I am glad I found my candles. I did a little prayer last night for goodness today so I am sort of sad that I am low in energy.

The more I am drinking the coffee I made, the more I am getting energy so, maybe it was just late night drinking coffee affected me a bit to where I was groggy this morning.

I am definitely late for leaving the house but I am just trying to plan how I am going to talk to my aunt. I also don't know to get over to HAYC while avoiding the highway. Ah, it is possible. I really need to leave this house. I am not 100% sure but I feel like Jahon is also sort of slowly nudging me to be more out and about than cooped up in the house. You know, just energetically speaking. Whether my mom thinks that he's bad or good or if I am bad or good, I don't give a fuck. I just need to focus on the qualities and goals that I am wanting to achieve and avoid anything that is not that so, that is clear enough to me that I need to avoid them.

I don't even know if I should tell my aunt about Jahon either. I am very worried about what my aunt and my brother would think because they are very blunt but so is Jahon so I guess it would be ok.

Ehhhh, he kept talking about whether I wanted the bike or not, but the more I look at it, it is a bit busted, lol. I don't mind the random ducktape on it but, I am more concerned with the fact it doesn't have a kickstand... Eh, whatever. I think I notice that, even though we are in our 30's... we I think all my previous boyfriends have encouraged play in me, I just need to decide.

I am going to try to ride it around the park before trying to go somewhere with it.

.... I told him about the patient I slept with at Cedar Hills... I don't know if he pretended not to hear me or didn't understand.

I am watching TV...

That is all he is said as he was staring out of the window as we laid in bed. I told him that he didn't mean anything to me, which was true. I mean he might've been joking about fucking so many people in California so, I feel like... Am I the asshole in this situation? Well, even if he wasn't fucking anyone in California he wasted all his money and probably blew it on drugs.

Who is worse in this scenario? I feel like... Maybe it is just a dream or delusion, but if we can get our own place, maybe things can calm down and we can work together. Because as it is now we both are staying at other people's places so we don't really have like a "safe place" to just act like we want. Everything we're doing right now just might be us trying to emotionally defy circumstances. Toxic as it is, it has sort of a reason to it. If we change the circumstances, would things get better? I am not sure, but I am sure it would at least help me.