Word of the Day:北極光

I am thinking about all I got to do today. I woke up with no chains on me, I fell asleep on the couch and feel pretty regenerated right now. I talked to Cas from Cedar Hills. I think he is more mentally ill than I thought but, since he is from an artistic family it is like, it can be excused?

I guess as I am waking up I am split between this one tangent of my mind where I slip into a A24 Studio movie or continue down this path that I sort of need to do.

I took out the bed in my bedroom. I don't know why but I am sort of embarrassed to tell my boyfriend. I am afraid of being judged. He already says I am fat when I am not fat. I am chubby, I admit but I feel like 'fat' is like if you have rolls or hanging flab, which I don't have. I just don't know if I can really be 100% myself with him. I feel like he'd just get mad or something, I don't feel like he'd understand if I explained.

He wanted to come over last night and I sort of told him no. Mostly for the bed issue but also because I have a busy day today. I have worse secrets I am hiding from him than a missing bed.

My mom has allowed me to continue seeing him. Very, ok? I don't really know what to say anymore.

It is the next day and I am drowning out my thoughts to tarot card readings and healing music. I just found out he has a court date. I didn't know. Well he told me but I think I didn't register it at the time. I wasn't sure if I could see him again? I feel so bad that he is all alone. Oh. What am I supposed to do? Nothing I guess.

This Monday I sort of couldn't do anything because my mom and Peter are stressing me out with their stupidity. She just talks about me like I am shit so I felt shit and then she had the audacity to ask me to clean the dishes.

I will consider the payment I made to hang out with someone payment enough for the lack of errands ran today. I just couldn't handle talking to Alix today. Ever since that meeting with Jan, I don't fucking trust her or Jan completely anymore so, I knew I couldn't really vent to her at all today.

I did feel a bit pressured to use Jahon's bike he brought. He asked me if I used it and I felt sort of embarrassed to say I haven't. I mean I don't think the reason I cancelled today was that but I did think.

Ah, maybe I can try using it to go somewhere, or should I just practice in the park since I haven't used a bike in so long?

I don't think it made me cancel. Not if I think about it properly, but it did add some really odd pressure to me. I am just chilling with Sleepy Hollow playing in the next window and I am thinking,

I haven't watched movies in so long. Is it really ok to just chill with that? I guess that whole, 'do I deserve to watch a movie.' comes into my mind.

I am wondering if Jahon wants to come over? Ugh, I just want to see him but I feel like, I am not using my gold in Habatica wisely today.

мой малыш

Ah it kind of made me blush how happy/cute he sounded.

You can learn, you're smart.

I am so hesitant because even though he makes me happy even with these little compliments, it catches me off guard.