Why Does the Universe Ask more of me than most?

• What I survived one does not talk about out of curtesy of others. It is socially inapriprate and one must cage the situation with caution because of social norms I soppose. People naturally can only handle so much. But naturally as a neurodivergent person I struggled to understand a social ques. Problem? I have no filter, and I am as bizarre as they come. I know people judge me to be quite odd or eccentric, for being to open. However, having cerebral palsy in the early 2000's made me a social outcast and I had zero social skills and no impulse control. When you are born with cerebral palsy there is damage to the frontal lobe and that really affects who you become in regards to your personality. I blame this reason alone for being such a bold person, Also people with disabilities ( I am sorry to be so honest) are stronger than the rest of population by the laws of the survival of the fittest. They have more tenacity and grit then you could ever imagine. You dont know how strong you have to be in life until you are given no choice or alternative. Naturally as a result, we face life fearlessly and with a kind of strength and courage no one could define unless they had a disability.
• Please keep in mind that I am very aware that everyone has a disability of certain severity, and in reality we are all disabled. However, it seems to be the case that more more "soul strength" is required of the people that are severely disabled and have very heavy bodies more sickly bodies with limited mobility. I was contently frustrated ands in a state of mental and physical exhaustion and still you must do what the world demands of you. I cannot tell you how many times I have pleaded in complete mercy to God, " Why are you asking me to do the impossible everyday- I'm tired."
• People always assumed I lived with my parents, live in a group home or some institution- and were shocked to learn I live on my own. When I am in a hospital, I feel helpless at times because the doctor and nurses assume I am incompetent regarding my care and condition of my health. They also talked to me and treated me differently. I remember them begging to treat my skin infection on my foot before it naturally enntered my bloodsteam and I found myself bedbound again due to extreme weakness. No one listened and I was asked to take anibiotics for weeks untuil the problem spiralled out of control and required hospitalization. Sometimes I arrived so overwelmed by the inflection I was no longer able to walk with my walker. I was using everything I had to make it to the ER in hopes I would be nursed back to health. But they always discharged me and I was always worried if my body was strong enough to make it home. These were dark times, it really did make me belief that my life had lost all of its quaility and I lived in a constant state of suffering and agony. I did not have my motorized wheelchair at the time and all I had to make it in the world was my walker. But due to illness I could no longer walk safely, and it seemed to also rob me of my balance and stability. But still I was told to take the antibiotics that were not working and sent home only to decline rapidly over time over and over requiring hospitalization. I had lost complete and utter hope and honestly thought I would showily die of an infection over a long sufferuing time period.
• But I had always been a fighter and suviver, I was not the type to just lay down and die, I was young and still had a life to live! I learned through research that the simple act of putting vasicine on my toes would end my horrific wounds and elevate the problem. I worked with specialists, wound care nursews and endless doctors and no one offered a solution or an answer to why it was happening. They only threw pills at me. Meanwhile the wound nurses were making the problem worse my putting thick bandages on my feet that only caused them to rub together more. It honestly stabs me in the heart recalling this time in my life. I felt subhuman to the healthcare system and neglected terribly.

I was treated with dignity and respect as a child and people loved me and wanted help me- but they were all two faced. I remember being so confused as a normal child wondering why do people talk to be like I'm different? Why don'treally want be my friend. Why are they being nice in a way that seemed so fake. It was like it was an unspoken social rule everyone is nice to the disabled girl and helps her but she does not belong. No one's social interaction with me was genuine , not even in university. I had high hopes that in university I would be exposed to mature adults like mysel. As you can imagine I was to them a different species that did not fit in their social sphere. This deeply saddened me as a child and you could see it in my face as people asked me what I was thinking or what was bothering me. I did not know how to put this treatment in words as a child- I just knew it existed. People will open the doors for me and physically help me and pick up my pencil if I drop it- but I cannot be their real friend. Everyone felt they had to be extra nice and put on a smile, and I hated it. I wanted access to the real world.

When they looked at me, they saw an eternal child that was special so whenever children interacted with me it was in a high-pitched voice that was patronizing and dehumanizing. I had an identical twin sister and her name was Sarah so they used to call me only by " Sarahs sister." If anyone was invited over, they ran away from me so they didn't have to play with me. I lived in a Victorian house with four floors. I could not keep up if I wanted to and was not really included. I got so used to being around adults. Thats why I walked so well at that time and could do what anyone else could do physical because I was required on a daily basis to go up an endless number of stairs with or without a railing. Saftey wasnt really my families first priority because I think they forgot out of love that I was disabled. They wanted me to have a normal life after all and be able to do what any other woman could do. As a result I was very used to falling and getting back up again it was a very normal part of my life and did not cause me any problems. Was I was more anxious then other children? Certainty, but I loved my life. I went to university and became a social worker.

When I got sick with an infection and lost the ability to walk year after year for over five years or more I went through alot of fear and uncertainty. If you loose your mobility, you loose all your rights liberties and freedoms and have to be intutionalized. My biggest fear was now being realized and I had to face it and look it straight in the eye and continue to make bold and brave decisions. Which included intensive and relentless PT just to regain everyday activities of daily living that are extremely basic. I never gave up and always regained my strength. For some reason I was always able to create miracles in my life and frankly be asked to be an extra ordinary person.

I thought what I have gone through, my entire life as I faced my late 30s would prepare me for anything life had in store going forward I was so wrong- danm. In order to recieve the wisdom that truely enlightened my soul, I would be asked to push the boundaries of my soul. What happened haunts me and has aged me beyond my years. Yet surprisingly I am grateful for the divine gift I had received. For the prayers that were answered as a direct result of this tragedy. I am amazed at what God can do behind the scenes- it changed my relationship with the creator profoundly.

I woke up from a coma, disgusted with the way I perceived my families love for me and what I had perceived as injustices in the past. I was angry I had let the past and low vibrational feelings like hate resentment anger and deep saddness rage take over my life and distort my relationship with my family. Has a result I had learned to hate myself unconditionally and that intensive negative energy was keeping me in a cycle of sickness- hanging on the edge of life. My thoughts towards myself was so toxic I believe I was killing myself.

I felt so much shame and guilt for not being grateful for my mother that has fought for me every step of the way and my twin sister that has only scarified everything and loved me. I was born again like a phoenix that rose from the aches, and this experience was very intense. I know you are going to laugh at this statement, but I felt like I had experienced a resurrection of some kind because it felt profoundly spiritual. I would never look at life or the world the same again. The Universe had decided to kick me in the butt and wake me the hell up. It was very painful but extremely necessary for my spiritual evolvement as a person.

How It All Started.

The last thing I remember is a chicken a sandwich, and strangely not a near death experience. I had ordered dinner and then suddently I found myself on a bloody ventilator. Time between these events did not seem to exsist. I found myself screaming telepathically to my mother who could hear me for reasons I do not understand " take out the ventilator! Take me off the ventallator!" To my great relief she screamed to the doctors, " Take her of the ventallator shes ready! trhey were gonna wait two more days but my mother convinced them that I was ready. My mom was always my biggest advocate and voice in my life; she stood up for me and fought for me so I could do the impossible. She found the recourses and remedies and would not rest until I could walk independently.

It was a form of torture being on the ventilator, so I started trying to take it out. They had no choice but to strap my hands down. I was so confused. I thought I had maybe woken up from some surgery after an emergency of some kind. As always I was my calm self seeking a very rational answer and I was not really panicking. I was only seeking answers and begging to be removed from this painful contraption. I tried calling with my voice with no success, but felt relieved my family was all around me. I remember thinking 3 months before they found a small mass on my lungs. So for some reason I thought I had surgery to remove this because it was cancer. I guess I required an answer at that time to cope. I communicated with my family using a board with the letters on it. All I seemed to ask in desperation is " Why" as in " Why is this happening to me everyone?"

It turns out I got pneumonia one day but because I am always in chronic pain and I waas always sick at this time- I didn't even notice I was very ill. A factor that would become silently deadly. I am used to rising above my body and just soldiering through, its what my life requires of me. However this time it got infected and started to build up in my lungs over a long period of time. To such an alarming degree that one night it was ready to take my life as I chocked and turned blue. By the grace of all things holy my personality support worker, who knew me for a very long time knew something was wrong that day and decided to check on me. I was found with 50% oxygen and had to be put on a ventilator to fight the infection over a week.

After I was taken off the medically induced coma, I found myself in a drug and stress induced psychosis. Therefore to the hospital it seemed I had come out of the coma and not been restored to myself which was the worst-case scenario. However, what the hospital and my family failed to see (through no fault of there own) is I could not really communicate at that time only breathe. Once of the ventilator and was placed on oxygen I was breathing in the late 70% to 80s at time and I felt like I was drowning. it required all I had to just eat. Another factor was the unfortunate circumstance of being denied my antipsychotic medication and my mood stabilizer the whole time I am in the hospital. It interacted with the drug used to keep in a coma because of its sedating affects so I was denied medicine that kept me well and mentally stable. I have bipolar and its very important I take this medication. So to my humiliation and horror I suffered horrific side effects that I was hyper aware of. I had now started seeing things and hearing things and experiencing one of the worst kinds of paranoia and fear based reality imaginable. I can never talk about what I saw and heard, I will take it to my grave it was that disturbing.

It was true suffering to be in this declining state, and I wouldnt wish this experience on no one it is really that extreme and devastating of an experience. I had only experienced a stress induced psychosis once before when I did not know I was bipolar. I stayed up for months without adequate sleep and as a result no longer had access to reality. I could not trust what I could see hear or smell, out of fear panic and desperation I screamed to wake up but every time I opened my eyes, I saw illusions and apparitions that were truely terrifying and bone chilling; and was very aware of it not being based in any reality but my own. It felt like my mind was attacking itself out of extreme stress. I often wondered what I was doing and saying in real life and what was really happening in real life while I was living in this parallelled reality. I was stuck in a horror movie and knew I could not ask for help. I could only wait for the side effects to subside as I was reintroduced to my medication and withdrawing from powerful medication to put me in a coma.

Sadly, my visions were all terrifying and violent and seemed to want to attack me. The entities I saw seemed to have a demonic nature and I was beyond terrified Iand was praying desperately the whole time to be restored to sanity. It took six long days and nights to be restored to health. It was the same in the hospital when I was 17 and first experienced something like this. I was present in two realities, the one that really existed and the one my brain was creating. Showily I bought myself back to reality with the help of my medication and I was no longer stuck in myself unable to talk or express myself to my family or hospital staff to my families great relief and joy. I was there the whole time but but what I was experiencing was so overwhelming I hide inside myself perfectly whole and undamaged. I soppose the stress of what life demanded was so incredably extreme my mind could not handle it anymore and a nervous breakdown was the only way my brain overwelmed in fight and flight- to cope.

But how were they to know so they bought up fancy machones to test brain activity and subjected me to endllessl tests. My mother nervously would ask me questions to test my memory and cognitive abilility. It was a scary time for my family and for the peopple who loved me. I was so unrecognizable intellectually that my mom had to say " Shes very smart she has 3 university degrees." Gradually I returned to myself, the final challage was to get out of that hospital bed. I failed to mention at the beginning of this long story that when I woke up from my coma I heard in my right ear ' Lord me the strength and mental fortitude to make it out of this bed." I found myself repeating it like a life saving mantra that would bring me back to life. I wanted to believe it was my higher offering courage and advice. But it was a still small voice that gave me great comfort. From that day forward I only knew and accepted one reality-walking out of that bed.

The prognosis was not good, I could only lay on my back and did not erven have the strenghth to move to my left or right side of the bed. I could not get up to go to the bathroom, I could not walk. To such an alarming degree that I could no longer hold my back up. Everyone assumed I lived in a nursing home and when faced with the truth found it surprizing at best. In dark times like this in which God is asking us to not only have endless dark nights of the soul but walk through a hopeless dessert that is trying to convince you that you have already lost this battle.

My parents honestly only accepted success and that is why I am here today. Even if at the time I did take there actions toward me as cruel and not particularly rational and sometimes slightly dispassionate on their part. But its only because they believed in me that much. Because of my mothers bold decion to push me I had reviced a rare and special gift. It was to always be asked to do more than what is humanly possible failure was never an option. After all I was born unable to walk and had to have a surgery at 8 years old to learn how to walk. I always had a vision of the future and created it for myself, no one else defined what I could do or couldn't become. It made me rather limitless and allowed me to live in authentic joy peace and happiness I had a Spiritual Crisis and realized my family was always there supporting me. They always loved me and never abandoned me! They always loved sopported and encouraged me in an extraordinary way that few actually feel and know in life. I thought there was a lack of love in my family when all along it was as I describe extraordinary. They had to know and understand a deeper love utilizing a dee[er understanding and patience for me. I felt blessed and thankful for everything and so foolish. And they were so amazing to me providing me with so many rights and privileges that many disabled people are denied.

I prayed for over 10 years to get my family back but living in an illusuion that they have abandoned me kept them away from me and left the situation unchanged. Now life was more valuable, fragile and divinely meaningful then ever before. I no longer felt depressed and anxious and wanted to end my life due to the extreme suffering I was experiencing due to my extreme health issues. I now lived in a reality that was no longer distorted with rose coloured glasses. I was born again and a strange way.

The best way I can describe it is how the wonderful writer Eckhart Tolle did in his book " The power of NOW and I am not bullshitting you right now my friends. He was like me waking up in a terrible dread of self-hatred, pity and sucidual Ideation because he was stuck in the matrix of his own making. Tolle describes breaking through the illusion by being in the present moment. By recognizing you have been fooled by the ego to believe your toxic belief systems that are really a form of maddness and utter nonense. In addition that we should be carefully observing and monitoring your inner thoughts. We now realize that we were mad believing in our own delusions and accepting it as absolute truth without questioning anything . With 90% of our thoughts being the same as the day before, how can reality truly understand what we are experiencing. We lie to ourselves a lot to support our false belief systems. Its the natural weakness of the human condition. Once he had come to this proundly spiritual experience he saw the world as if he were born again. The world had beauty love light and his soul had everything in the world it wanted. No longer in a state of needing or wanting anything, just being alive in the moment he was in a state of complete and endless joy.

I was intensely grateful for everything I had. everything in my life was a gift from God and was so beautiful and full of love and light. I no longer wanted to waste time being depressed. I discovered that people are depressed because they have lost their true selfs. I now know that life is sacred, a holy gift and I am precious. I have let go of all negativities from the past and to the best of my ability forgiven everyone. As well as the complex and toxic emotion I was carrying around me refusing to let it go becauses I was worried I would forget how much I suffered, strangely. Perhaps I was given an opportunity to be kicked in butt by the universe to even out all my karma.

Strangely out of my coma I was able to reveal a personal prophecy. Apparently, I texted my personal support worker that saved my life and said thank you for saving my life I am so sorry for what you had to see. I always felt guility about that. What I had to put my family through, that part will never be easy for me. I said in a text to my personal; sopport worker " God told me I choose to come back because I had always been very unhappy in this life and he wanted to grant my prayer of getting married. I find myself 3 months after this event engaged to be married. Who knows- What I said in a drug induced haze could mean nothing at all lol.