Where Is Your Happy Place?

This story was never gonna make it.

But then, this story isn't the original story.

I wrote the original version for a challenge in a publication in Medium. I worked on it for several days, after work.

Hitting the 'submit' button

When I read the prompt to write about our happy place, all these images of my ideal day popped up in front of my minds eye. 

I imagined waking up in my wee cottage with the song of the birds and the first warm rays of the Sun falling on my face. sharing a hearty breakfast with my loved ones and slowly sip on my steaming coffee from my favorite mug on the porch while overlooking the glistening water. 

I saw myself taking a stroll in the dewy grass, looking for a nice spot to roll out my yoga mat and stretch my sore muscles. There's nowhere to rush, and my day unfolds the way I want it - reading in my cozy nook, cooking comforting meals, re-watching childhood favorite cartoons, or even setting out into the wilderness to hunt for glimmers or for a hike to recharge my batteries. 

That's how my ideal day would look like - and that's my happy place.

I immediately felt lighter just by thinking about it, even though I felt pretty good all day.

I submitted my writing, and almost immediately got it sent back from an editor with a dozen of private notes what to rewrite and fix and what isn't working. So I sat down, rewrote it and sent it back, only to get it back with more notes.

Work got super busy, I had a shitty day and felt uninspired to take a look at the notes that probably only talk about what's the problem with my writing. I didn't want to make myself feel even worse, so I didn't reply until the weekend, when I had time and felt a creative punch to keep working on it.

A pattern emerging

Half way through editing the story I noticed something interesting -  a pattern. 

All my happy places are outside of me and share one thing in common: they connect me to a certain feeling within. 

I realized my true happy place is not a physical place but rather a feeling:

Safety.

When I'm feeling off, overwhelmed, anxious or sad I often retire into solitude or into the presence of people, places and activities that make me feel safe and grounded. 

They help me to relax and shift my focus from what's happening outside of me, to what's going on inside until I finally feel calm and safe again. 

But I guess it's pretty hard to feel happy if one doesn't feel safe, right? 

Regulating my nervous system

I am not sure if it is generally like this for everyone, or it happened because I went through severe trauma and suffered from sever PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression for years, and still easily get triggered by narcissistic behaviour. I can't stay anywhere or around anyone if I don't feel a certain level of safety. 

What's more interesting is that my happy places bring back the harmony within me, and it's not a coincidence. I learned that they are all considered parts of nervous system regulation - finding that fine line between living in survival mode and knowing when to release and relax. Something that is crucial to learn for those who suffered trauma or live with depression or anxiety. 

Building a happy place I never have to leave

Cultivating your happy place within- or, to really create a sense of unlimited safety within myself that can't be bothered (too much) by outside factors, won't happen overnight. It's something I'm still working on daily for years, but it's definitely worth it.

Until I build my rock solid foundation of safeness within me, my little list of happy places outside myself are here to assist me any time I need. Come what may, I am well armed. 

And that, really provides a sense of safety.

Hitting that 'submit' button again

I felt pretty safe and content after rewriting my entire piece and with great anticipation, I sent it in again.

But then, I received a reply that's probably the most gruesome answer an editor can provide to any writers.

Rejection.

But not simple rejection, but being rejected because my writing "came back as 100% AI generated. Being busy is one thing, but using AI is not the way to go."

I thought I'm gonna fall off the chair. I never used AI in my life for writing, and was always against it, so reading such a comment I almost broke down in tears. For almost two weeks, I didn't even write or looked at any platform where I share my stories. I felt so bad being accused with using AI to generate me a story.

What's worse, I feel like I got my name on a some kind of writer's blacklist, because nobody answers to me anymore and my submissions are just hanging in the cyber space for weeks without anyone taking notes on them. It got me into a proper writers block.

In the end, another story winning 2nd place here on a Vocal challenge got me out of the funk, but I still have mixed feelings about that. I don't even know if I should I react to this - be mad, sad or offended? Half of me doesn't even care, but my other half... damn, she cares more about this than anything else.

I figured, it all comes down to safety in my writing as well.

Safety to write and share vulnerably about my wins, my mistakes and short comings, life experiences and the results of my imagination, as authentically as I can.

And if that authentic writing is determined by an AI based software to be AI written? My safety lies in my confidence and knowing that I will rise above this, too. Just as I always do.