What is love?

Before writing this blog, I searched this question, what is love? On Google and the answer I got is that love is a practice, it involves activities you choose to do or not to do.

what do you understand from this? If you ask me what have I understood is that love is defined by your actions, not by your words. and those people who say something and do the opposite are toxic.

But is the word toxic enough to explain their torture?

And if you ask for others' opinions they say to leave that person. But is it that easy when your whole life you dealt with this misogyny?

How can that person be brave? when her mother loves her sons more than her, her brothers hold the power over her life decisions, they do not respect her.

what if her husband is also like her brothers who lack respect for her, insults her in front of other people?

but the persons who I am talking about in my title are not her mother, not her brothers, or her husband instead they are her sons? whom she love dearly, too dearly to see through the fact that they are copies of their father.

But I think she knew who they were. but society made her too weak by telling her that she needed some male figure in her life as a brother, husband, sons even if they hurt her.

Even if they traumatized her to the point where she is overthinking every little thing, self-blaming herself, crying but still not able to get away from that cycle.

I love most dearly in my life. she was my maternal grandmother but to me, she was my mother who raised me for 21 years of my life before leaving this world. I love her but I don't want to be her so vulnerable.

Her sons always used to say that they loved her and respected her. But you do not shout at people you love, you do not accuse falsely whom you love , you don't say hurtful things to the person you love or respect, you don't hurt the people where they are weak if you love or respect that person.

Those things hurt me too, when she cried it made me cry too, when she was hurt I felt bad too so why did you guys not feel bad for her?

one time you said to me that she's your mother, not mine and you repeated this three times you knew this would hurt me, and guess what it did, it straight went to my heart like someone squeezed it. But isn't it weird that according to you she was your mother but you guys hurt her the most? I didn't hurt her, my love for her was not as painful for her as yours.

That day I realized that blood is not thicker than water sometimes blood can be poisonous and painful.

But you know what after you left what did she said to me, she said that it does not matter what you say she loves me and you don't matter.

All that matters is that she loved me.

But those thongs traumatized me too even though she tried her best to protect me never letting them point at me but hurting her hurt me too.

hey guys i just wanted to vent my feelings with someone who would understand me. i believe words carry the weight of feelings you hold inside of your heart.

btw this is my first blog any advie would be appreciated