We will always have Acrylic

As a young mum I found that fitting in is hard. I always felt as though I was behind in life. I rented my mothers house, I had mediocre jobs, my car was a bomb and I was short on friends of my own.

None of my friends from high school had had children until my son was in primary school or had moved away to have children. It never really dawned on me until out of the blue one day I realised I was a very lonely person most of the time.

One day my son came home with an invitation to his first birthday party sleepover at a new kids place. There were kids going that I knew of, and I had only met the parents once. They seemed like nice people.

We were on our way to the birthday party when I realised my son had been quiet most of the trip.

“You nervous?” I asked knowing full well the pit of my stomach felt like it was dropping. I was so nervous for him.

“A little,” He replied.

“You know you can call me when you want to,” I replied. I patted the back of his head with one hand and kept driving.

We arrived at the house where all the other kids were running around going between a nerf gun war and the gaming consoles. We went up to the door and the birthday boys mother answered it. She always radiated confidence, confidence I had forgotten about since I was in my teen years. A time I was young and had everything going for me.

My son went inside and ran towards his friends. Nerves gone; kids are so resilient sometimes. The birthday boy’s mother asked if I wanted to come in and have a drink or something. I was going to decline but part of me wanted to try so hard to fit in, so I accepted.

She showed me where the boys would be staying and then walked me upstairs. The upstairs had nearly a 180-degree view of the ocean and coastline. Everything seemed new, the kitchen was brand new and which I commented, and she stated she had got it from Ikea and put it together herself. She offered a beer and I declined as I was not sure how long I would be there.

My palms had gotten sweaty, and the doubting thoughts started to set in. I sat at a table by myself over thinking the situation in front of me. It just so happened everyone that was upstairs had their own houses, careers, businesses, stable families, and I thought about my situation. I had a part time job that I had just started out, still rented my mothers house and was going 50/50 with my sons’ father with custody. After 15 minutes of being a fly on the wall I said goodbye to everyone and my son and left for home.

I stopped off at our local bottle to grab a bottle of Moscato and mineral water. Thoughts of was I being weird or was I just uninteresting. Did I wear the wrong thing or was I just not at their level?

I pulled into my driveway and thought about what to do for the night. Do I go out? There was no one to go out with. Do I go out by myself? Do I sit and wait for a call from my son to say he did not want to stay and wanted to come home? I knew it was not going to happen.

I looked up at the lonely house and took a deep breath. Ill stay in and find something to do.

I walked into my kitchen and poured my wine and mineral water. I looked over at a cupboard full of my paints and brushes. It had been a while since I had painted so I decided to do that. I picked up a canvas and set everything up.

I took a big swig of wine and pondered on what to paint. Insecurities…

I painted a background and a self-portrait of. I wrote all the things that were bothering me around the portrait. With each stroke it was like the anxiety and stress was captured in my painting. The words came out and the overthinking went away.

I finished the painting and my head was clearer afterwards I sat on the couch and watched a movie and slept on the couch. The next day I picked up my son from the birthday party. I felt confident and just relieved from my reflection last night.

He was excited to see me we said goodbye and we went home. He had asked what I did that night and I replied I get my shit together.

He looked at me quizzically and I explained that I painted my worries away.

I am glad I have painting and art and creativity because if I didn’t I'd probably be a nervous wreck by now.