Apologetic letter to my inner child

To my younger self,

Where do I begin? Apologies are not our strongest point but I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you never got the chance to heal, my love. From traumas that seemed so trivial like parents' divorces, family arguments, moving states and adult problems. You are just a child how could have you had the chance?

I'm sorry that stars don't shine as brightly as they used to and your imaginative dreams don't come true. What are all the stars and all the dreams anyways... living in the stars? helping the world be a better place? becoming lost in your own written stories? seeing the most amazing places and experiencing things people could only ever dream of? peace and quiet to get lost in your art? finding the love of your life? stability? that last one is what you will need the most.

I'm sorry that your little mind couldn't comprehend what was happening around you. You are so young and naïve to the adult things you heard and what was being said was not caused by you. Sing yourself a song, get lost in an adventure, and drown it out. It should not be your burden to bear all the years to come.

I'm sorry you had to wade in turbulent waters with shark fins surrounding you, without you even knowing it. How could have you known who to trust and who to not, when everyone's brightly coloured masks were glued to their faces? You didn't know that you looked at people with rose-coloured glasses on. Love, you are not the one at fault, you trust the good in people.

I'm sorry that you will be compared to people all your life and you won't be just free to be yourself. Compared to the smartest, the best behaved, the healthiest, the cleanest, the most beautiful, and the more compliant. As your Nanna would say "be good or be good at it". You will find yourself, I know it, but until then just remember what Nanna said.

I'm sorry that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and the tough decisions you will have to make, and the decisions you won't be able to make. Sometimes things are out of hands, and we have to deal with the hands we are dealt. So know when to fold and know when to raise.

I'm sorry that grief will happen over and over and over again in your lifetime. It will take courage to feel it, own it and move on from it. Even when you need to be the leaning grief post, for someone you love, presumably hurting more. You are strong, but try not to carry their grieves when you are dealing with your own as well. You are just a child, they need to support you.

I'm sorry not everyone will step up in your life when you needed them to or wipe away your tears, or hug you until all the broken pieces squish back into place. It will feel sometimes that there will never be enough kisses, hugs and tissues to make you feel better. Unfortunately a lot of the time, you will be expected to push it down and get over it. It will be hard but you will get there.

I'm sorry about your first heartbreak, and the next one and the one after that. It's funny how we love to love and we love too deeply. Not many people will know how much you love them until they are gone. In time you will realize how important it is to love yourself as well.

I'm sorry that your love for reading, writing, painting and drawing never goes anywhere and becomes a waste of time. Writing, painting, reading and drawing won't be your lifetime career and it won't be the love of your life, just the one that got away.

I'm so sorry if I let you down or if I'm not what you expected. I'm sorry that we never were able to live in the stars or to adventure or to travel. I'm sorry that we never got to chase that dream or be ourselves. I'm sorry that we were never given the chance to heal through this lifetime.

...but remember that I'm here for you. I'm the buoy holding you up through turbulent waters, I'm your leaning post when you grieve, your big hug when you are falling apart, the love that you need to feel so deeply.

You will get through it... I know you will.