Trying to Look at Reasons Why I’m Finding It Hard to Share My Things with Others

I thought about rereading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. This book is quite special to me. Mom didn’t think twice about buying this expensive book for me. I was hesitating on pulling the trigger and lining up on the cashier holding this book even though it was on my bucket list, due to how expensive it was — and the unnecessary feeling that I didn’t deserve the book.

There is a two-sentence insight encased in a paragraph on page 40 of the book which made the puzzles in my head fit.

“Perhaps a sense of possessing needs to come before a sense of genuine sharing. Many people who give mechanically or refuse to give and share in their marriages and families may never have experienced what it means to possess themselves, their own sense of identity and self-worth.”

This is a tough conversation for me. For many years, I question why my irritability unleashes itself when I have to share something with someone else. Although, I remember a time when I was less than 7, a classmate of mine always borrowed my crayons and gave them back to me intentionally broken. I’m also aware that kids go into the pre-operational stage of development, where kids are in a phase of egocentrism based on Piaget’s Cognitive Theory of Development in Psychology class. However, when I reached high school, my martyrdom as I liked to refer it, didn’t waste seconds to let others borrow my things. I was a people pleaser then. At the same time, I was going through depression. My priorities before came like this:

Me < Others.

I considered myself the inferior kind — as much as I didn’t like to live, the more fatal thinking I had was that:

“I didn’t want to be born in this world.”

So, I had a tough phase like that growing up. But, I still consider myself aggressively on a hate train when sharing my valuables with others. I carried on with life thinking this was the “quirk” I had if others had their own. Right now, I still think it’s wrong to be like this. My reasoning was that:

“I won’t use your own thing, but what is mine IS MINE.”

This leads me to feel apologetic whenever I have to use someone else’s stuff, where I’m borrowing it and giving it back to them tenfold.

Honestly, I’m just procrastinating and unintentionally placing tension over this blabber. With regards to the quote I derived from Stephen Covey’s book, maybe the reason why I couldn’t share some stuff with people genuinely was that I had a deep underlying problem — with my sense of self-worth or identity.

The earliest record I could remember of gender dysphoria was being invited to a birthday party and I guess the theme had all the biological-born girls wearing dresses. I caused a scene in the birthday celebrant’s room, bawling my eyes and screaming at people for putting me in a dress. The birthday girl even saw me, exasperated. In my head, I wanted her to help me get away from the scene. Funny because I had a crush on her but I didn’t care. I felt desperate to be far away from the piece of clothing then.

I guess now the secret’s out. One of the first memories I had of knowing that I was different was around 6 years old. We went to a high place near town, played a sport and did some sightseeing. I felt “cool” and took off my jacket the way I saw boys do it on TV commercials. I was also a fan of Ben 10, a cartoon where a boy transforms into an alien he chooses through his watch — I even had the same watch going to school for almost an entire year.

My life consists of plenty of wins. Most of those wins are things people do not know and don’t need to know. I have confidence in myself and no longer need approval from others to see how worthy I am of everything good in the world.

But, this could be one reason why I still find it hard to share items that no longer suit my age. I carry with them, the pride that I was able to achieve — something that my self-worth held onto. Only now, the journey continues forward. Whether I overcome this attitude I have with my things or not, and be excited about the process…

I’ll be here for it.