The Stress of Experiencing disability on the Mind

Life is stressful- no one can avoid that reality. We have all been in the familar situation at night where we are so worried about tomorrow, we cannot fall asleep. However my experience with insommia was taken to extremes in my teens. I would have to be honest and say my life naturally has more stress in it and I do not handle it well. I had severe cerebral palsy, was a social outcast and had tremendous pressure from my family to succeed. I was never supposed to be able to walk. I had a surgery when I was eight to make it possible. Before surgery my feet were so inward I triped on them making every strained step. This is because it felt like weights were on my feet and too heavy to even lift off the ground. I had a surgery to help my feet reach the ground and turn straight. I missed grade two to learn how to walk. From the time I was small life demanded a lot of me. My parents however expected more and unrealistically so.

When trying to fix a disabled person to look normal becomes dangerous.....

My mother and father had a very strong and delusional faith in the belief that disabled people should be fixed and cured to look as normal as possible. I was a reflection of my parents. I had an identical twin sister and felt I was always being compared to her. My mom did not like assistive devices, she did not like how they made me look more disabled. Deep down she felt guilt and humilation for having a disabled child. She used to say, " I cant believe I created you, I cant believe you came from me. I hate being around you" Just imagine how I felt about myself. I learned to hate myself unconditionally and developed a very low self-esteem. I stopped feeling human. The verbal, mental and physical abuse of my narcissistic family made me feel like I was a horrible person that did not deserve to be treated with respect. I was not allowed to hang on to walls for balance, and I was not allowed to ask for help up. I was simply told to get up myself because I needed to learn how to do it myself. My family hated me for needing help. It caused them to feel deep seated anger and hospitality towards me. I was a burden of care even though I did not require much. I did everything on my own I would of just loved some fair treatment or some love.

My sense of safety was never considered at any time. There was no railing on big victorian steps that were icy in the winter. Not to mention, I had to crawl to the top step because there was nothing to hold onto to make it up there. Then I had to crawl on my hands and knees to the front door and use the door knob to get up. If I fell in snow I was left there until I got up, often after my whole family had gone inside and shut the door and completely forgot about me. I remember being devestated when I did not have mits on because I would get frostbite after being out there for over 30 mins just falling and trying to get up. I remember trying to get out of my dads car in the winter and the snow was as high as me and everyone walked ahead of me and went inside. I remember the Dog staying by myside as I fell and letting me use his back to get up. He also let me lean on him to help me up the steps that had no railing and was always icey. If my sisters were asked to help me, they would explode in anger.

At 10 I was told by my mother I was no longer using my walker. I was learning how to walk with nothing. My mom was so excited at this possibility and giving me so much love and affection for completing this task there was never a possibility of failure. Kids constantly ran into me and I fell backwards. I needed the assistive device to maintain stability balance and safety- but me looking normal was too important to her. At the phase in my life where my mother was God and everything, she says is true. She gave me two canes and then took away one and just as I got used to one, I was given none. Suddenly I was falling all the time and getting back up. I was very good at it. I could fall and get up in a matter of seconds because it happened so often. Imagine walking with no balance, its like walking across a building with a rope and holding a stick in-between your hands to give you the illusion of something to hang on too. I felt like I was walking on water- never steady never safe reaching for something to hold on to so I would not fall. I could fall in any direction in anyway at anytime. I fell backwardes sideways left and right, cracking my head two times. I did not know saftey, life was always a battle in action.

Naturally your brain uses too much of its flight or fight. I was battling panic attacks that felt like a lightning bolt going through my head and heart and bringing me down to my knees. The fear I experienced is not normal for a child. It manifested into trauma-based illness. I did not even know what humiliation was. I was so used to being stared at and treated differently. I had complex PTSD, OCD and depression and anxiety by the time I was 12. I became a very disconnected antisocial child who got lost in her head because I dissociated from my body so often. I eventually had different parts of my personality to deal with certain challenges. I had a constant smile on my face to never reveal my struggle. I smiled through hell. When I fell I completely detached from my body and would go somewhere else. Different parts of my personality were created to survive certain situations. OCD was created to have some control in my life. I developed a fear for germs and thought they were going to kill me. I now know I was afraid for my wellbeing.

My safe pace was sleeping. A great escape from the burdens of my mind and body. I loved resetting my body. I often found after a great sleep I had less pain. But suddently life became too scary to sleep. I couldn't imagine facing another day in this reality. I was overwhelmed beyond what I could ever put into words or describe. I dreaded the next day due to deep level depression. I was overthinking because of the hell I went through every day. All of a sudden, my mind refused to shut off. My body was so jacked up on cortisol from meeting the challenges of today, I was in survival mode. I was broken. I still remember the horrifying feeling of not sleeping for a month. I only fell into vivid dreaming that turned into night terrors. All I did was worry and throw up, I needed help but no one was paying attention. Suddenly I was seeing and hearing things and seeing consistent delusions. I was not even grounded to the reality around me I was completely detached. Now I understand that I was trying to escape. My reality was too much and the only way I could cope was to disappear in insanity.

I was in stress induced psychosis's in the hospital for almost a month and I was only 17 years old. I could no longer see reality through my eyes, and it was terrifying. I find myself comparing it to a horror movie, but it is happening in real life. I was in a constant awareness that I was no longer in reality. I worried that I would not come back. It made me have a huge respect for people suffering from illnesses like schizophrenia . We need to have less shame guilt and prejudice associated with these types of illnesses. I could not imagine being in a constant state of paranoia and fear never able to trust your six senses. Can you imagine your body being taken over and you do not have control over what you say or do or what you see and believe? Often it leads to embarrassing behavior that they have no control over. Imagine being so sick you have no self-awareness, no identity you are just stuck in an imginary world that you can not find your way out. Often it is a dark place. I imagined in a nightmare that had manufested in reality that I was being tortured and chased. I remember begging God to wake me up and to help me get out of this place. We have all had those dreams that felt real, and we go into a lucid dreaming state. You tell your body to wake up. For days all I had were terrifying experiences I had lost the ability to speak or hold a conversation. It was a form of mental and physical torture.

When I looked in the mirror, I did not even see a reflection. I was completely disconnected from my body. Looking back, I was going through so much my mind could no longer cope. I could not escape my situation, so my mind did. It was humilating. I did not feel human. I felt like a leber. I felt like everyone was judgeeing me and laughing at me. I am constantly worried about what people think of me or if people are laughing at me. Its also because my family was always bulling me. We talk about disabilities in a very positive aspect. We only feel comfortable describing disability as something so easy to overcome, because we are overly resilient beings. We have no choice but to withstand so much more pressure than the average person. We have no choice. We are often isolated and alone. I go to cerebral palsy support groups online and the desperation for human interaction of any kind is so apparent.

My mother still rejects all assistive devices and remises about when I was in high school and " walked like I had no disability at all." But I needed to reclaim my power and voice by taking my walker back. My family was very resistant. I often heard " don't bring your walker there's no room in the car" or " there's no reason to bring the walker inside" when visiting family. My mother found disability to be very difficult and she felt she sacificed her whole life so I could walk. As a result she distorted her reality and the rest of my families. She socialized all her children to treat me horribly because she resented me. She forgot to see the positives of having an assistive device. She saw it has a personal decline or a personal failure that created a disabled person. She wanted me to have a normal life and not be denied normal life experiences, but all she was creating was a person she wanted to perceive. She did not want me to be my authentic self. She did not want me to love myself just the way I was. She wanted me to deny my needs in the name of looking less disabled. It made her blind to my safety and wellbeing. She saw me as a reflection of her hard work and I was expected to go above and beyond. But I still remember the year before I finally let myself have a walker. I found myself looking around desperately for something to hang on too. Every step felt unsafe, and the sad part is I did not even know what I was going through was inhumane because it was my normal. I wanted to please my mother more then anything.

At 38 I still have trouble sleeping. All I do is worry about my mobility and losing my personal rights and freedoms. I was sick with infections that left me septic and in hospital and often became so weak I had to learn how to walk when I got home. I have battled my body all my life, but I think my mind will always be troubled with the burden of responsibility to overcome everything. I worry about becoming overwhelmed with changes I cannot control. People say to live in the moment but when you feel like your on fire all the time every moment is just torture. I was able to find truth and peace through mindfulness. I had an overwhelming desire to escape my body. I knew I had to face my body honestly and practice grounding every day. I had to stay in the present moment no matter how painful.

I resent the idea that we need to cure or fix the disabled body that lead to me being abused, uncared for and forgotten. We would like to believe that we live in a society that is accepting loving and kind but let's be real with ourselves. Unconsciously we are judging everyone it is a natural human reaction that we all have within ourselves. I will always view people with mental illness with a vast amount of compassion. It is a form of suffering that everyone feels they must silently take on. My advice is to love yourself conconditionally through everything you go through.I started hating myself and it created a negative spiral that turned my life upside down. Everyday our reality or rather perspective on life is tested. We can see the dark shadows or the light that is always able to sign through. I had to learn to face my life, and handle it with grace. My life was demanding that I physically fall sometimes over 5 times a day. how could my life reflect order and harmony? But I have been asked to do it anyway. I have come to believe that anything is possible, you just have to believe it.