The Nerve of Being Human

If there’s one thing I learned how to do, is to get ahead of shit. Never settle and get wrapped up in things. Nothing’s permanent, but things be imminent. So I be quick to prevent the shit.

I never really stayed one place. The world around me always tryin’ to win some race. I’m quite exhausted. Can’t afford to be halted. But life has got me so morbid. I’m so disinterested in silly things. I never sought pleasure just for the sake of it. I know part of life is just misery. But it all goes on.

My biggest fear is being someone’s pawn. Don’t want to be duped. I steady stay in the loop. ’Cause ain’t no way I’m for use. My father taught me early. He said don’t ever fall for a theory unless that theory’s been tested, unless there’s people invested, unless that shit’s been dissected. I get it. You can’t really deal in chance. Some people do, but I just know I can’t.

A meaningful life is what I truly crave. I know once we born we headed straight to the grave. See, we want to be different, though most of us are the same. And all of us definitely do play a game. But I’m wondering, when we die do we start again? Maybe there’s this thing that just happens; that when we end, we just tap into our natural selves — and just let go of what has been.

Maybe we take off our masks and just accept. We see how slowly death has crept. See, when we die we are liberated. Survival modes are deactivated. Or maybe nothing happens when it ends. Damn, there goes that morbid thing again.

I’m thinking, nothing’s really real. There’s nothing really real to feel. All of it’s nerve-racking. Are all of us acting? How does love live in all this? How can we make sense of it? See, all this is relevant, ’cause good values have plummeted.

What are we truly living for? All this might sound so random, but I’m just trying to grasp how I’m stress-free when I’m stressin’. Maybe I like the adrenaline — gets real intense when pretendin’. I never settle with calmness, not sure why but it’s common.

Not really sure what is up with me. I think I’m prone to toxicity. I am the worst when the world gets the best of me. Look, I’m very finicky. I don’t do well with uncertainty. I need to know what I’m working with. ’Cause people are fickle and unpredictable. They’ll abandon life’s greatest principles.

Damn, I get so tired of believing in people. One funny move and Margi will burn the building. I also noticed that no one cares when you winning, but I see they so quick to collect when you’re next to go cash it all in.

The human race can be so annoying. Always trying to just destroy shit. Or honestly, maybe it’s not them. Maybe I’m really just buggin’. I’ll try this again in the mornin’.

But every mornin feel the same lately,same fight, same sight, movin faintly.Maybe that’s the cost of bein real —to wake up wounded, but still heal. To fake a smile when you can’t feel.To keep it pushin like it ain’t a big deal.

Guess that’s the nerve of human life, to laugh through pain, to dance through strife.We gamble days, we roll our dice, we act like loss gon’ make us wise. Still we try — and that’s insane, we chase the joy inside the pain.

See, I be thinkin, maybe that’s grace —to still show up when you outta faith. To keep your pace when the floor collapse, to talk to God through mental traps. I guess that’s all I really mean, to start again, to keep it clean. To wipe the mess and face the sun —that’s human nerve — to come undone.