The Abandoned Daughter

Dear Mom,

As a child we had a strong relationship, I have so many fond memories with you. As I got older things changed between us. I was becoming a teenager who was too cool for mom, and you gave me my space.

At fifteen we had grown so far apart that even though I lived with you we said few words. When we did speak it always resulted in a fight. I started staying out later and later you never asked where I was.

When summer came you would pack up everything in the house, and head to the campsite and stay there all summer long.

I began to feel that because you never asked any questions, it seemed as if you didn’t care what would happen to me.

I started smoking weed with my friends, I went to friends houses and friends of friends houses, I stayed out late. You never called me to see where I was or asked where I was.

I thought it was strange, I felt like because I wanted to be a teenager you no longer cared what I did, or where I went.

I felt like I was no longer your responsibility, and it hurt me so I pulled further from you. I acted as if I didn’t care what you thought when really I felt lonely. I felt neglected. I needed a mom who worried about me. I resented you for not being there for me.

By seventeen it felt to me as if our relationship had deteriorated. I moved in with some friends. We spent all our money on weed, we hardly had any food in our fridge. You never checked up on me or asked me to call you, so I never did. I thought we couldn’t grow any farther. We went months without talking. I felt it was not worth talking to you anymore, it felt like you had spite for me or hated me, so why would I try to talk to you. I wondered if I’d ever speak to you again.

I felt empty inside, like you didn’t care what happened to me. I began to fill this empty void with drugs.

I started going to raves, began taking shrooms but overtime I began taking ecstasy, speed, and ketamine.

Without eating and lots of drugs running through my system I began to loose weight quickly.

On the occasion where we did meet, I know you noticed the change in me, how could you not. Instead of asking me if I’m eating or what I’ve been up to, showing any concern you ignored it. You never asked me if I was sick, if I was ok, if I needed help. This only reinforced the abandonment I was feeling.

So I continued to spiral.

Eventually, it wasn’t occasionally I was taking drugs, it was everyday, more than once a day.

I even went to my college exams high on speed and ecstasy. I remember sitting at the desk, writing anything I could to get out of there.

During that summer, I had failed most of my classes. I didn’t care, I didn’t care about much those days. That’s when my boyfriend and I went on a binge. We took speed and ecstasy every few hours, like it was aspirin.

After a few weeks of this. My stomach hurt from it being filled with pills and little food. I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed a break. After a few hours I could feel my head swirl, I couldn’t concentrate, I felt sick. I knew then that I couldn’t take drugs anymore. If I did I would surely die from it. I had to change.

I got a job, went back to school. Last year graduated university with a bachelors in science.

I then gave birth to my son.

Now as a mother myself, I can understand a mother’s unconditional love, but I’ll never do to him what you did to me. You ignored me, you pushed me away, and when I needed you most you weren’t there. You let me down on more than one occasion. You made me feel unwanted and unloved. You didn’t show any concern for my well-being.

You have no idea what I did, how many drugs I took, and even years later you’ve never asked. If I kept going down that path I probably would’ve overdosed before the year was out.

Although we have since amended our relationship, I still feel resentment. To this day I don’t know what I did to make you change, if I offended you by wanted some freedom.

But I know no matter what my son does or where he goes in life I’ll always be there. I’ll always check up on him, I’ll always make sure he’s eating and making the right choices.

Because that’s what mothers are supposed to do.

Sincerely,

A tearful daughter