A regrettable promise

Dear Mom,

I have a secret I have been keeping for 20 years. I have never told anyone. It has weighed me down my entire life. It has effected all my relationships, it is the reason why I can not trust anyone and, it is why I divorced my husband.

Mom, I love you very much, you have been the most influential and supportive person in my life, and it breaks my heart that I haven’t been able to muster the strength to divulge what I know. I have let you down, both as a daughter and as a woman.

I know you’ll never read this, and you will never know the truth, but I need to get this off my shoulders, I need to finally tell the truth.

Dad, your husband, is a liar and a cheater!

When I was 15 you had sent me on an errand to the store just down the road. With money in my pocket, I excitedly hopped on my bike and pedalled away. I remember racing on my bike, the wind in my hair, feeling unstoppable.

I had bought the things you were missing to make diner for all of us. I put the plastic bag on my handle bars, and just as I got ready to pedal away I looked across the street and noticed a car similar to dads. When I looked at the driver in the drivers seat it was dad, but next to him was a young blond woman. I had thought it strange because before I left the house you had just gotten off the phone with dad saying that he was working late but will be home soon. I continued to watch them thinking maybe he was giving her a lift home? Until I saw him lean over and kiss her. It wasn’t a polite public kiss either, they we’re making out.

I was frozen in my tracks, my jaw dropped, but I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t pedal my bike. I was in shock staring at the man, my father, who I thought was the most honest, dependable, and trustworthy person making out with this stranger

My world had been shattered, and I knew yours would be too. I also knew that from that moment forward things would never be the same. I saw a future of arguments, divorce, sharing weekends, birthdays and holidays. I saw a crying depressed mother, and a father who had moved on giving his love to a new family.

It was as if my entire childhood was ripped from me. In an instant went from a care-free spirited kid to an adult who knew a deep dark secret. I was petrified of the future, and worried about you, mom.

It felt like eternity but in reality it must’ve been only five minutes or so. I watched her exit the car and his eyes follow her, with a stupid smile on his face. As she walked away toward an apartment building, dad adjusted the rearview mirror to watch her.

Only when she was out of sight and his eyes were focused on the road did our eyes meet. He went pasty white like he had seen a ghost. We looked at each other for a good solid minute. I could see him trying to think of a lie to tell me. He eventually put the car in gear and drove to me. He tried to play stupid, smiling as he parked the car a few feet from me.

“Hey sweetie, how long were you there?” I blankly stared at him.

What was I to say? Was I going to lash out at him? Was I going to scream? Instead I did nothing.

He looked at the steering wheel and sighed knowing he had been caught.

“Let me put your bike in the trunk and we can talk” is what he had said.

I thought I had experienced the worst, I thought that he was going to grovel and tell me that he was going to tell you. But as I sat in the passenger seat, feeling disgusted, knowing what had just taken place there. He looked at me and said, “I need you to promise me you won’t ever tell your mother.”

I remember looking into those big brown eyes not believing what he just asked me. As if he read my mind, he began telling me that if I were to forewarn you that it would only lead to painful arguments, and eventually a divorce. He begged me not to say anything not only for your sake but for mine as well. He continued to beg and even cried until I finally felt guilty enough to agree.

When we got home, I thought maybe he would change his mind, maybe he would tell you the truth and take this burden from me. But he didn’t, and as weeks turned into months, turned into years, I realized he never would.

I don’t know for certain, but I have a feeling that throughout the years he continued to see her and other women, even after you died. I don’t think he ever felt guilty making me promise to keep this from you, or the affairs that he had.

I deeply regret the promise I made to him, even more so I regret that I kept it. It changed the relationship between you and I. I felt guilty and ashamed for what I knew and the secret I promised to keep, therefore I pushed you away every time you tried to come close, and for that I am sorry.

Now as a grown woman, I believe if you had known the truth we would’ve lived a different life, a better life, one where we truly would’ve had a solid relationship between a mother and daughter, not one that was so distant.

I’m sorry it took me so long to come out with the truth. I’ve waited far too long and kept a promise to someone who never deserved it.

I wish with every part of my body that could go back in time, even if it is only for a moment, to not only tell my father that this is a promise I would never keep, but also demand him to tell you, even if it would hurt you.

Now, it’s too late you’re gone from this world. Taken from my life too soon, leaving an even bigger hole in my heart. I miss you everyday and think about you always.

I will carry this regrettable promise and immense guilt with me until the day that I die. I’m so sorry mom I let you down.

With love forever,

Your daughter