Humanity
yellow state of being
Why are my days so grey. Every day I wake up and I try. I really try. Today is the day I will make a change. I will be optimistic. I will believe. Everything is happening for me. The day starts strong and slowly with time I shift from that beautiful warm yellow to the depressing obsolete grey. I feel defeated. I feel discouraged. I am broke. Where did my day turn grey, I begin to ponder? Will this feeling ever leave. I awakened the next morning and decided to succumb to the grey. I’m not trying today, I am just going to allow it. I’m tired of fighting this fight against myself. I sit in my bed and I wait. Time passes, tears flow, pain surfaces. I watch. I am the watcher of my own mind paralyzed in bed by the images that continue to surface. What happened to the little girl I once was. The one that believed in the world. The one that danced while magic flowed through her being. The one that was alive. As I grew older I was able to understand greater concepts. Instead of these concepts arising from within I was taught them. I was watered in an environment that was not mine. Drops of someone else's reality projected on me daily. Their belief systems instilled in me as to become the roots of my being. Dismantle. I will dismantle this plant that is not mine. I will tear the roots of fear, pain, and discouragement out of me. I will no longer be someone else’s plant but my own garden. I will flourish. I will water myself with optimism, encouragement, and self-care. This garden will be infinite. It reflects a state of abundance. Quickly I realize there is more to this grey. The foundation is becoming clear, however, there is another layer. The layer of present reality. How many external things are affecting my internal being? I wake up and I scroll. I see other people’s projections through my screen constantly. Some I know and some I do not. Am I aware enough to not allow their projections into my own mental garden? I quickly reflect and realize I was once a projector. Projecting my grey into everyone’s life unaware and unintentionally. You can only give what you are. These images we see are often someone else’s grey wrapped in a bow. What are you watering yourself with daily? The mind is everything. However, the mind can be so easily swayed. You can wake up in yellow and quickly convince yourself you are grey. Where does it begin? It may be in your root system, it may be in your present but you withhold the power to live life in any color. I chose a warm yellow. One that encompasses my body like sitting next to a fireplace in the middle of winter with snow trickling down. It can be felt by all; it is a world of its own. To live in yellow is a habit I taught myself just as easily as I was taught the grey. I sat in my solitude until yellow was my state of being. I did things that made my heart dance. I never settled to meet anyone's expectations of what they hoped I would be. I built that yellow and I listened to it. I was quiet and watched it for a long time. Waiting until it guided me to the next action. I respected it, I honored it and most importantly I trusted it. Doubt would arise but I found safety in my newly planted roots. My life would reflect the yellow state of being I vibrated in through a garden of infinite abundance.
By Kenley Lewis4 years ago in Confessions
Hibernation
To understand my need to hibernate, you need to know a bit about my mental state. And my physical state, for that matter. I'm 53. I'm fat. I have asthma. I'm anemic. I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), which is exacerbated by the death of my husband five years ago; they call this "primary grief reaction: anxiety". I have a tendency toward seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) as a legacy of a giardia infection back in 1992 (did you know those little assholes can live up to 20 minutes in a chlorinated swimming pool?), and I'm prone to upper respiratory crud - sinusitis and the like. And my vitamin D levels are low even by Seattle standards.
By Jenn Kirkland4 years ago in Confessions
What Emotional Armor Looks Like
My armor showed up this morning as I got ready to meet a new friend, Lori, at a cafe. In the months since we had met, Lori and I had only known a student-teacher relationship (I’m the student) — until today. I was a bit nervous when I reached out to Lori yesterday, suggesting that we spend time together in a different way: coffee or tea, maybe? And some discussion?
By Patti Cobian (she/her)4 years ago in Confessions
Someone's Touch
Distance was a place where I had been overs overs again moved from that place to place I just made a home most anywhere. This time it was different, I came across many house and I had a very unique way of obtaining my houses I would get an object laying close by the house I liked when I would go to visit this houses that were vacant for rent.
By Marian Cavazos 4 years ago in Confessions
Sailor
Everything about the experience was breathtaking and soul searching. It was a time of breaking, creating and hatching from an unknown shell. TJ was on a quest to learn and interprete the meaning of his life. Every step he took was unstable and without any sense of direction. Deep within the crevices of his heart, he somehow knew his path was ordained, orchestrated by a power greater than himself. There were days when his steps seemed to mark time. He seemed to be headed nowhere with no purpose and there were times when he was motivated to walk tall, like the Sailor he longed to become.
By Hadar Shmaryahu Ya'akov4 years ago in Confessions
Falling Colorblind in Autumn
To the one that made me feel, thank you. The peace and calmness you brought me is the luxury I feel in myself. The joys in happiness and the smells of what we call connections. Purity in innocence and candle wax dripping, I fall for you like pedals, naturally falling from its flower. Inspiration and fantasy are what you gave to me, the strength to move and the power to be moved. My guard falls down faster than the light can see, I check myself more than once, so I make sure I can still be me.
By The Kind Quill4 years ago in Confessions
It's Time For a Change and a New Home!
My family and I had wanted to upsize for many years, but my wife and our neighbor had a verbal agreement that neither family could move, given how "tight" both families were. Countless friends and family preached against upsizing as it meant we would collect more junk. Try as a might; I could not convince my wife to consider moving away from our neighbor as she would not break the agreement. However, as everyone knows, the pandemic has taken every minor issue and exacerbated it, leading to our neighbor opting out of the informal deal and deciding to move to a new home. The reasons were many but originated with the disappointment with the elementary school system and the homeowner's associations' disdain for any shed additions to our houses. While my wife was upset at first, we both quickly realized it was all for the better. We would now be free to begin the next phase of our lives.
By Jeffrey Clos4 years ago in Confessions
Sunflower Summer
On the surface things can seem so calm. Like the outdoors when the morning sun rises and the world seems to move just a little bit slower. A sense of serene takes over. It allows you to soak up the energy and connect to a universal place. Like a sunflower using photosynthesis to obtain the nutrients it needs to flourish.
By Meegan Swan4 years ago in Confessions
A Mother's Transition. Top Story - November 2021.
Before I became pregnant, I was unaware of the option to skip labor when giving birth. All my prior experiences with the process of bringing a human being into this world followed somewhat of a formula; first a person creates life inside of them for nine months, then the ever-dramatic cramping and breaking of the water occurs, then there’s a chaotic rush to the hospital, then the hours of blood-curdling screams of agony and buckets of sweat, and finally a tiny bundle of joy emerges. On every television show that tackled the baby topic, and in my own life when my sister had my niece, the formula ensued. However, my journey into motherhood differed greatly from my preconceived gatherings.
By Jules Day (they/them) 4 years ago in Confessions
