Bad habits
Not all wounds can be seen from the outside.
The next time you feel the need to body shame a women, stop think, the impact that, that has on a women is long lasting, everyone has there own story, but truth is you don't actually know. the feelings she may be trying to burry with food. before I even realized i went from a size 10 to size 20.. before i knew it i was being teased for being "fat".. it wasn't till then that i actually stood back and had a look, i stepped on the scales and near cried, you see i wasn't use to being this size.. i didn't even realized i was that size, but before i could even start my weight loss journey i had to work on myself inside. (Iam not in no way saying bigger girls are not beautiful Iam saying i wasn't healthy because mentally i wasn't.) For me expecting change was just hard year prior i had gotten over the use of drugs my long term partner was in and out of prison. i was left raising three kids on my own, i went from having help to left living the plans made for two on my own. and at first i used gear to help me keep on top of my house, then i used for down time when kids went to sleep, then i needed just a top up to get the kids off to school, then i needed to keep up with work. before i knew it i was hardly using but i was on top of everything. Or so i thought. It wasn't until sitting and talking to my Aunty at how much i wasn't coping with any of my emotions, she didn't mean t0o but she triggered something i guess, and i found myself uncontrollably trying in car and the kids saying to me they were hungry and the fact i couldn't start the car without needing to settle down. That i knew i wasn't coping as well as i thought. it was then again reality was hitting again, i was alone.. and i wasn't quite on top of things like i thought. i got clean, but while getting i still had kids to raise and school run to attend to and work to be at. and i hadn't eaten so hunger hit.. and while eating i noticed i wasn't thinking. again that pain the overwhelming thoughts were still.. i guess that carried out for some time, and it wasn't until i was sitting in the car with my cousin and she was arguing with her boyfriend and i guess he needed proof that she was with me so she showed me on on video chat and his reply was "God your fat" just the reality of those words hit me.. i just thought how did i get this far? again that noise came running back to my head. while i sat and tried to think, it was hard it was like a gush of white noise to my head. the neglect i had gave myself, All the times i didn't want to sit and think about how i wasn't good enough for him, even though i put him before myself so many times. How my own mother didn't want me around her when i was a kid. how i used him to fill that void. How i thought having kids would make us a "real family" that kids would keep us busy. that he would be happy enough. We would be enough. But again i was left behind. this time i wanted to get well not for him, not for them but for me. i started walking, walking alone made me feel great i was doing something for me. i hadn't thought about me in so long, Iam still learning new things about me. But i smile a lot more now, it isn't a drug induced smile, Iam smiling because Iam seeing things a little clearer. Iam still not the weight i use to be but Iam closer then i was yesterday. just think about things the next time you may feel the need to put someone down. As the deeper wounds cant be seen. for me it was years of neglect, i was always avoiding feelings i didn't understand.
By Masm4 years ago in Confessions
Success Avenue
She'd fallen in love with the other guy; the alcoholic crackhead, the one who hit her up for drug money and rides to the 'hood. Most every night, sometimes more than once a night, she sat in her pickup truck on (the sardonically named) Success Avenue, ruminating on what she would do if one night he went to buy crack and never returned.
By Lisa4 years ago in Confessions
Damaged
Happiness and light is what I used to feel and now all I feel is betrayal and sorrow. For years I tried understanding what I did wrong, or what I could have done differently and the answer is probably nothing. As I sit miserable in my own grief thinking about what happened and what could come good out of it, I cant think of anything other then to tell my story, hoping it does not happen to anyone else. I remember the day I lost my freedom, my ability to use what helped me most, my hands. My husband was now a stranger to me and me? I am almost a stranger to myself. I lost myself due to the actions of my own Husband. I remember sitting in disbelief in my own blood that was dripping from both of my hands. I could not call 911 and I was in so much shock that I could not even scream out loud for help. As he sat there staring at me, giving me what I like to call the "death stare" as he waited for me to bleed out. He knew my hands were all I had, they were my money makers. I do hair, I do waxing, I write reports, I draw pictures, I have to drive, I have children to take care of, how will I do any of it without my hands? It is impossible, but he knew this though. Sometimes when my Husband would not take his medication he would be a bit off, his anger would get the best of him, and he would go into a rage I had never seen before that would get worse and worse every time. He hated taking his medication because he would not like how it made him feel, but I always knew if he had taken it that it would be for the better. One day the verbal abuse had begun, and it went from verbal abuse to physical abuse rapidly. I tried to stay around hoping it would get better, that he would get back to the man that he needed to be, but it only got worse. He began threatening me with objects, random things, it could be as little as a toy or something as serious as a knife. One day I grew tired of the abuse, and I decided to leave him because it was so unhealthy. When he realized that I was serious, he said I would never make it without him, he said I would be nothing, that financially I would not grow. I explained to him that I already had so many opportunities coming my way, money, business trips, etc. I let him know that I would be okay without him. He then stated " If I cant have you no one else can". That is when I picked up my items and began walking out toward the door. He walked away and I thought he was going to leave me alone, but once I unlocked the front door before I could even open it I felt a knife hit my wrist and within the blink of an eye I am on the floor. He continuously stabbed my hands, stabbing the palms of both of them, and slicing my wrists as his rage grew more and more while he stated that I would not leave him, that I would never amount to anything, and that he was now going to watch me bleed out. I began to go in and out of consciousness and I figured if maybe I pretended to play dead that he would go away and I could escape. As I shut my eyes and pretended to lay there dead, in complete silence he began freaking out almost instantly. He came to the realization that he had did something he could not undo. In his head he killed me and in my head I was only saving myself. He then begins to sob as he walks upstairs to the bed room and almost instantly I get myself off of the floor and begin using my arms to try and open the front door. As soon as I opened the front door I had a sigh of relief as I seen the light, as I seen other people in front of my house and then BOOM!. I hear a gun shot, just one, coming from inside of the house. I was afraid to see if the shot was aiming for me or If he had shot himself so I ran. My neighbors were all running up to me in shock, calling 911, as my house grew silent. The police arrived and as I was being put on the stretcher still going in and out of consciousness all I heard was "we have a male inside dead" and my heart sank. Then is when I realized that he did what he did because I played dead but had I not did what I did I would have been dead, but once he would he realized he would have killed himself and we would have both been dead, so I did what I had to do and I saved myself. I survived and now I have two prosthetic hands that I can barley function. He took my life away from me, but at the same time he did not. He took my hands away from me, and I feel so lost, I feel so helpless. I feel like this is something that should not have ever happened had I had gotten him the help he needed or if he had gotten the help that he needed himself. I used to feel so perfect, so outgoing, so full of life. Now I am not so full of life anymore. I am sad because I cannot use my hands and make the money that I used to. He took away something that I needed the most, but he did not get to take away from me what actually meant the most, which was my life...........
By Tatyana Hill4 years ago in Confessions
Inside and Out
On the outside, everything looks perfect. Not a hair misplaced, a smile forgotten, a laugh missing. Happiness though, is a fickle thing. One minute, you're laughing and smiling, you feel your insides warm and fuzzy, your smile is so big it feels as if you can’t control the feelings building inside of you. And then… it’s just gone, leaving behind a void to be filled with something else. Sadness? Anger?
By Julia Trahan4 years ago in Confessions
I Lied. Top Story - December 2021.
I lied, sprawled out across the crap-encrusted carpet of my empty house, my sweat-spangled back soaking up more debris than the old Dyson in the cupboard had over the past six months, I should have let Bec take it; she did say that I’d never use the thing.
By Paris Dwyer4 years ago in Confessions
Soulmates vs. Sobriety
There are a million universes out there, billions and billions, Astronomer Carl Sagan would say. Everything that happens somewhere in some universe, for every choice that is made, the opposite is true in another universe. The world is splitting further and further into an infinite number of parallel universes where everything that could be happening is happening. Every time we make a decision, there is a version of us out there somewhere who made a different choice. There are universes out there where I made different choices, better choices. I believe we are friends in more universes, than in universes than we are not, some much happier and some much worse, but my heart aches for every single universe where I’m not with you.
By Susan Eileen 4 years ago in Confessions
Yupp, My White tee.
People have their weird reasons for why they do things. I generally don't ask why. Simply because I really don't want to know. I just mind my own business and no one else's is important to me unless they are paying me to be in their business. People judge me because I wear white shirts and black shirts. I have my own reasons why I do things and it's probably alot different from most people.
By Anthony Tenacious4 years ago in Confessions
The Social Media Tornado
I was a 90s baby. Where social media wasn’t as prevalent as it is now. I did ridiculous things with my friends that will never be posted anywhere. Images that will live on only in my memory, and only liked by me. It was beautiful how time felt irrelevant then, I could hang out all day, go to tones of destinations and it still felt like morning. Back then people would page you to meet them somewhere from a payphone or to make you laugh in class with hidden messages like the word boob. Things made sense, exercise was easy because only the cool kids drove, and god knows I wasn’t one of them and television had a family vibe that no matter what age you were you could relate too. Cory dated Topanga on Boy Meets World for what felt like my entire childhood and even the guys in my high school classes could kick it with Sailor Moon.
By Sharika4 years ago in Confessions
To be Or Not To Be
The first lockdown had troubled everyone with the worry that other people were sick and that the laughter among the crowds one saw hovered like a bad omen. Basic interactions like talking to the cashier felt like a long-distance call, and everyone was cut off from physical touch. I had spent too much time patching up the loneliness on dating apps, hoping in vain to break the law with a date or two. I spent the spring either looking out the window or at a screen. The snow blowing at night, the rain dripping in the morning. The uncertainty of everything made it hard.
By Josh M4 years ago in Confessions
How I Replaced Envy with Admiration
In this story, I highlight a potent emotion that creates unpleasant feelings and causes us suffering. This painful emotion is called envy. Of course, there is nothing wrong with envy as an emotion. However, its effects can produce undesirable feelings and a painful state of mind.
By Dr Mehmet Yildiz4 years ago in Confessions
