Damaged

Happiness and light is what I used to feel and now all I feel is betrayal and sorrow. For years I tried understanding what I did wrong, or what I could have done differently and the answer is probably nothing. As I sit miserable in my own grief thinking about what happened and what could come good out of it, I cant think of anything other then to tell my story, hoping it does not happen to anyone else. I remember the day I lost my freedom, my ability to use what helped me most, my hands. My husband was now a stranger to me and me? I am almost a stranger to myself. I lost myself due to the actions of my own Husband. I remember sitting in disbelief in my own blood that was dripping from both of my hands. I could not call 911 and I was in so much shock that I could not even scream out loud for help. As he sat there staring at me, giving me what I like to call the "death stare" as he waited for me to bleed out. He knew my hands were all I had, they were my money makers. I do hair, I do waxing, I write reports, I draw pictures, I have to drive, I have children to take care of, how will I do any of it without my hands? It is impossible, but he knew this though. Sometimes when my Husband would not take his medication he would be a bit off, his anger would get the best of him, and he would go into a rage I had never seen before that would get worse and worse every time. He hated taking his medication because he would not like how it made him feel, but I always knew if he had taken it that it would be for the better. One day the verbal abuse had begun, and it went from verbal abuse to physical abuse rapidly. I tried to stay around hoping it would get better, that he would get back to the man that he needed to be, but it only got worse. He began threatening me with objects, random things, it could be as little as a toy or something as serious as a knife. One day I grew tired of the abuse, and I decided to leave him because it was so unhealthy. When he realized that I was serious, he said I would never make it without him, he said I would be nothing, that financially I would not grow. I explained to him that I already had so many opportunities coming my way, money, business trips, etc. I let him know that I would be okay without him. He then stated " If I cant have you no one else can". That is when I picked up my items and began walking out toward the door. He walked away and I thought he was going to leave me alone, but once I unlocked the front door before I could even open it I felt a knife hit my wrist and within the blink of an eye I am on the floor. He continuously stabbed my hands, stabbing the palms of both of them, and slicing my wrists as his rage grew more and more while he stated that I would not leave him, that I would never amount to anything, and that he was now going to watch me bleed out. I began to go in and out of consciousness and I figured if maybe I pretended to play dead that he would go away and I could escape. As I shut my eyes and pretended to lay there dead, in complete silence he began freaking out almost instantly. He came to the realization that he had did something he could not undo. In his head he killed me and in my head I was only saving myself. He then begins to sob as he walks upstairs to the bed room and almost instantly I get myself off of the floor and begin using my arms to try and open the front door. As soon as I opened the front door I had a sigh of relief as I seen the light, as I seen other people in front of my house and then BOOM!. I hear a gun shot, just one, coming from inside of the house. I was afraid to see if the shot was aiming for me or If he had shot himself so I ran. My neighbors were all running up to me in shock, calling 911, as my house grew silent. The police arrived and as I was being put on the stretcher still going in and out of consciousness all I heard was "we have a male inside dead" and my heart sank. Then is when I realized that he did what he did because I played dead but had I not did what I did I would have been dead, but once he would he realized he would have killed himself and we would have both been dead, so I did what I had to do and I saved myself. I survived and now I have two prosthetic hands that I can barley function. He took my life away from me, but at the same time he did not. He took my hands away from me, and I feel so lost, I feel so helpless. I feel like this is something that should not have ever happened had I had gotten him the help he needed or if he had gotten the help that he needed himself. I used to feel so perfect, so outgoing, so full of life. Now I am not so full of life anymore. I am sad because I cannot use my hands and make the money that I used to. He took away something that I needed the most, but he did not get to take away from me what actually meant the most, which was my life...........