Sticks and Stones

We all remember our first real crush. The first person to give us butterflies in our stomach and get our hearts fluttering. The memories of our first crush often make us feel a mixture of fondness, heartbreak, and embarrassment. My memories of my first real crush often make me feel shame, and I often cringe at the things I did to try to get his attention and win him over. However, there is also an unfortunate twist in my story. My first real crush was also my worst bully.

Bullying was something I experienced a lot growing up. From Kindergarten to eighth grade, I was the prime target for bullies. I was always a shy person, and I spend most of the school day quiet and not interacting with other kids. I did not have much of a desire to talk, anyway, because most of my classmates decided that they hated me before they even got to know me. I was the weird kid that no one wanted to be around, and many kids made sure to let it be known how much they didn’t like me. I suppose my appearance did not help either. I had bad acne, a huge overbite, and a huge gap in between my teeth. I always had bangs just over my eyes to hide the mess of pimples across my forehead, and my hair was always tied into a messy ponytail. I often wore clothes that were baggy, which further highlighted how extremely thin I was. I did not look or behave like the other kids, but I still longed to be accepted by them. Even though the majority of them isolated and taunted me, I still wanted to know what it was like to have friends and fit in with the other kids.

This especially rang true at the end of seventh grade when I developed a crush on a boy in my class named Fernando. He wasn’t my first crush, but he was the first huge crush I had. There was nothing particularly outstanding about Fernando, aside from his big brown eyes and how well-respected he was by most of my class. He was also one of the popular boys, so we rarely spoke aside from a few obligatory interactions whenever we had to work on a group project together during class time or when he would briefly joke around with me. I was too nervous to talk to him, but I was convinced that I had a chance if I just opened up to him more. We barely knew each other, but we didn’t have any negative interactions and he seemed like a nice person. I chickened out on talking to him before the end of seventh grade, but I convinced myself that I would talk to him more next school year. I even believed that I would become more social to please him and catch his attention.

I spent most of my summer vacation finding ways to get close to Fernando. This was my first time experiencing such intense emotions toward another person, and I allowed it to consume my mind and any free time I had. I was convinced that I could get closer to him and he would like me back. I began to keep a diary about him and talk about him to anyone who would listen. I imagined what it would be like to see him again when school began and what I would talk to him about. I even created a Myspace and AIM, my first social media accounts, to try and interact with him and his friends that were in my classes. He ignored my first few messages to him, but he eventually began to respond. He admitted to being weirded out by me messaging him since we barely knew each other at first, but then he agreed to being friends and getting to know each other more when the school year started. I was over the moon, believing that my plan had worked and we became friends at the very least. I had finally gained the courage to speak to Fernando, and he finally noticed me.

When the school year began, however, Fernando still treated me as mostly invisible. He walked right past me on the first day of school, and he never once spared me a passing glance. He just continued to hang around his popular friends, and never addressed our summer conversations. I wanted to approach him, but I was once again overwhelmed by nervousness. The courage I had to talk to him when hidden behind a screen faded away, and I was left questioning if I should approach him or just let it be. I did develop the courage to befriend another girl that was just as shy as I was that was placed in my class that year, and before I knew it, I was a part of my own friend group for the first time in my life. I was happy to feel like I had belonged somewhere for once, but I still was determined to get Fernando’s attention. Despite my newfound friend group, I still could not get Fernando out of my head.

I ended up getting his attention, but it was not in the way I intended. I opened up about my crush on Fernando to a girl in my class who could not keep a secret. In retrospect, this was not the wisest idea on my end, but telling someone he was friends with made sense to me at the time. Instead of telling him privately, however, she yelled across the classroom for everyone to hear, “Lisa likes you and wants to go to prom with you!”

Instantly, the class fell silent, and everyone turned to Fernando as they awaited his response. Without a beat, Fernando responded, “Ew, gross.” He then turned to his side and pretended to vomit. Everyone’s mouth went agape, and only one of his friends laughed. One of his female friends angrily responded to him with, “That’s not funny.” Everyone else awkwardly shifted back into their own conversations until the teacher came, but I remained mortified. I had not expected Fernando to react favorably, but I also did not expect him to respond in a way that was so humiliating in front of the whole class.

It did not end there, however. My crush on Fernando became the hottest gossip, and it also became something that Fernando was teased about. At the time, I found myself enjoying the attention, even if those showing me so much attention had negative intentions behind it. I also was being noticed by Fernando, even if he seemed annoyed by it.

My enjoyment of this attention, however, was short-lived. Fernando had decided that someone like me having a crush on him was so disgusting and despicable, he had to put an end to it. He had to make it known that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, so he began to tell me not to speak to him at all. He even messaged me on Myspace telling me not to talk to him, and to go find someone else to like. Fernando also got one of his friends to tell me not to stare at him, and he would get annoyed anytime I did so much as glare in his direction. He even began to refuse to sit near me or touch anything I had previously touched. He started a rumor that I never showered, and soon enough his guy friends began to play along with his horrendous jokes. They would freak out anytime I got anywhere near them, and they would act disgusted if they accidentally touched something that I did.

The most embarrassing and vile thing that Fernando did to me, though, was cursing me out and insulting me on AIM. I had been on my computer one night, when he began to message me. I was curious, since he never really initiated conversations, but before I knew it, he had begun to flood me with insults. I tried to defend myself, but I was overwhelmed by all the cruel messages he was sending. My heart was racing, and tears were running down my face as I read his messages to me. I continued to furiously type away at my keyboard, but I struggled to keep up with him. Censoring out the curses, some of the insults I recall were, “Ur dirty, scary-looking, thin, and weird” and “no guy will ever like u.” The worst one, however, was, “Ur the ugliest girl in school. All the guys said it.”

I do not recall exactly how the conversation ended, but I recall leaving my computer sobbing uncontrollably until I fell asleep. I was used to being called all those things, especially ugly, but hearing it from someone I liked and pined after for months left an aching in my chest. I did not go to anyone about this, not even the few friends I made, because I foolishly still felt the need to protect him. He had no issue bragging about cursing me out to his friends, though.

I was bullied by all of Fernando’s guy friends worse than I had ever been bullied before for the rest of the year, and Fernando was the main leader. For the rest of the year, Fernando and his friends made fun of every single thing I did. They made fun of the way I spoke, interrupted me during class presentations, went out their way to try to attack me with dodgeballs, insulted me at every chance they got, kept the rumors about me being dirty and “jokes” about not sitting near me or touching anything I touched going, threw things at me, and continued to taunt me even when they saw that they were making me cry. My friends did defend me, and even a few of Fernando’s female friends stood up for me. I even found the strength to fight back against him at some points during the year when I got fed up, but I still found myself feeling the sharp effects of his nasty words and actions against me.

I suppose my main embarrassment in this situation, in addition to how much I obsessed over him based off the fantasy version of him I created in my head, is how my feelings for him never went away for the rest of the year. I stupidly desired to have his attention and get on his good side at some point. That never happened, though, and he did not give up on making my life miserable until graduation came and we finally went our separate ways.

And this was all because I liked him. All because the popular boy couldn’t stand having everyone know that the weird, ugly girl liked him. All because he felt the need to hurt and humiliate me as revenge for embarrassing him by letting my feelings for him be known.

This was almost thirteen years ago now. Yet, I still feel some of the shame I felt back then when I think about this experience. And even though they say that words don’t hurt you, many of the insecurities I deal with today come from this experience.