Silenced by the tide.

I was dating around. I met him online. I knew from the moment I saw his beaten up red Honda civic and smelled the exhaust fumes that this would be an interesting night. I don’t mean that superficially. But he fell into the stereotype of grunge. He came off timid but polite. We parked downtown and walked up the stairs into the restaurant. We sat in silence. I tried to make conversation but it was like pulling teeth. Did I mention he looked nothing like his photo? He was definitely the same person, but way more rigid. The atmosphere was heavy. His energy was mysterious. He made me laugh a few times. But if you knew me, you would know that’s not too hard, I love to laugh. I like having a good time and even though I knew this would be our first and last date I tried to make the best of my time. So we had a few drinks and the atmosphere lightened up. I was not completely satisfied with his presence, but I managed with what company he brought. We finished our meal. He paid the tab after making a joke about forgetting his wallet. That would’ve been fine. I forgot mine too.

We got into his car and I am petite, yet it felt so cramped. It wasn’t the size of it. It was the energy around him that made my soul feel compressed. He asked me if I wanted to go to the beach. I said no I wanted to get home, but he persisted and I finally gave in. I have always tried to be nice but nice can get you into just as much trouble as being mean.

I wanted to go home. I was tired of being with him. I said I changed my mind but he was half way there and he was not turning around. I made a horrible decision, but it wasn’t the one you are thinking of right now. He told me before our date that he wanted to pick me up. I did not want to be picked up. I always drove my car. But he insisted with the thought of us going downtown and having to pay for parking and how inconvenient it would be to have separate vehicles. So I decided to ride in one car as that kind of made sense. After all, I lived downtown at the time and I was only 7 minutes extra on his route there. It was a horrible decision and it changed the rest of my life.

We made it to the beach and we parked by the pier. We walked on to the sand. He had a blanket that he had gotten out of his trunk. I thought that was odd like maybe he had planned this all along. But I am suspicious in nature so I dismissed that thought with it being a beach town. I’m sure many people have blankets in their trunks. Right? We are walking away from the waves closer to the dunes. He stops and says we should sit here on the blanket in the sand. Once again it is silent and this time I am in open space and I felt even more cramped than I was in his small dented up Honda civic. He was right next to me and he tried to kiss me. It was disgusting and I was disgusted. But I kind of knew it was coming. I assumed he was that type of guy. I did not know who he was, my assumptions weren’t enough. I noticed one older couple walk past us. But we were so close to the dunes that the hill of sand was behind us keeping us discreet. Too discreet. I did not see another person until we left. I turned my head and dismissed his kiss and he kissed me again. He forced me onto my back and asked me if I wanted to go home. I so badly did. He said if I wanted to go home then I will have sex with him.

My mom was babysitting my 10 month old daughter and my six year old son at the time. I had just started dating. My children’s father left me when I was four months pregnant with my daughter. I thought after two years I was ready to date around. I wish I would have never dated this piece of shit.

The one date I should have never went on. The one time I did not drive my own car. I could have left the resturant and went home. I was held hostage from the start and I didn’t even know it. I was raped that night. He kept his promise and he brought me home afterwards. He had the audacity to message me two weeks later to ask me on a second date. I made the decision to not press charges that night. I was so embarrassed and humiliated and I felt responsible for that night. I blamed myself for the one decision that changed my life. When I got home everyone was asleep. I went into the shower and cried in silence. As silent as the tide kept me. He wore a condom and left it in the sand along with my dignity. I thanked “god” that at least he covered his dick.

I make sure to always drive my car from now on. My car became my safe haven.

I love my car.

I learned to love myself too