Shit Morning

I wake up to a good morning from Jahon which was nice, but I feel like... I am feeling we don't work together well to be honest, or rather. We aren't working at all so I can't say it is bad or good because it is just non existent. I mean, he was trying to calm me down through text last night I guess but, all these events: the shitty vocational coach, my shitty boyfriend, my shitty family... I am so tempted to just go back to freelancing or try harder with freelancing despite the pay being so poor. It would wreck a lot of the plans I have now, but I am honest, the cold months are coming in and, with me not having a car, there is going to be less I am able to do physically going forward without money.

I mean, I could try to rush about now before snow and rain happens but I feel like that would cost me my sanity and might just go several steps backward.

I think also the thing is, Newberg is all sparkly and shining in front of me, but like 2cm out of my reach. Living alone and comfortably... It is so sad that that is my dream right now, just basic peace and quiet. But I guess that is just me confirming my age.

My boyfriend is like playing Gandhi or something, "There are so many poor people in the world today blah blah blah." Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit. I mean, the more I think about it. Even though both Yuuichirou and Jahon have both treated me like shit, Yuuichirou had no qualms in giving me money for projects. He never gave me much but, we had had a few hundred dollar exchange back and forth. I ask Jahon to pay for a hotel, he thinks 200 dollars at the casino is more valuable than getting a 200 hotel room to sleep more comfortably for his job... Like what the fuck am I dealing with?

I really should just break up with him now because I mean, some of the other things I can forgive, but him being reluctant to give me money for constructive things and him spending on completely destructive things, is no bueno.

Last night I did have a bunch of dreams but I don't remember too much of them right now. It was kind of involved and had a lot traveling.. kind of looked video game-y but... I do remember two things about it:

The glass allows you to see through things; broken glass in a dream can represent shattered illusions or hopes. It can indicate a recent deception or disappointment with something or someone in your life – perhaps it is not everything you were told it would be.

Well... I guess that is pretty accurate. Let's see what an ice castle means...

Usually, a castle is the symbol of spiritual strength and vigilance. Its analysis is complex because it also derives from HOUSE; Furthermore, its shape, appearance, and color, as well as its darkness or luminous appearance, provide the final details for its interpretation. Therefore, the meaning of this dream is usually protection and transcendence. The condition of the castle as a solid fortress allows introspection, creativity, and spiritual contemplation. While the house represents the body, the castle symbolizes the soul.

Dreaming of a castle can also demonstrate a need for isolation that depending on the castle’s aspect, it may be positive or negative. To see the castle from the outside means that you still have some way to go but at the end of it, you will reach your goal. Conversely, if you dream that you live in the castle you will soon get spiritual wealth.

Seeing the ice in your dream refers to your feelings, but it is most of the time a sign of danger ahead.

Ice can appear in very different forms in dreams, such as rivers of a lake with a frozen surface, fear of freezing, hail, icebergs, frozen windows etc. Ice has also a symbolic and spiritual meaning, as it refers to you being frozen in your actions, thoughts or feelings, and it appears as a warning in your dream to tell you to thaw, soften and unwind.

I guess... the dream is saying there is good things but my emotions are too rigid right now. Which is a fair assessment. I am very rigid right now, I am not free, unfortunately. I am trying to figure out what I can do to remedy that that isn't just laying on the bed and crying.