Secure Attachment Style - FINALLY!!!

Note: I use the word relationship throughout this article. In the way I am using this word, take it to mean any kind of interaction with other people whether as co-workers, friends, family, acquaintances, or professionals.

I am so very frustrated at myself today, yesterday, the day before...

You see, I have worked really hard on myself to make the switch from an anxious attachment style that has been my typical for years, to a secure attachment style. I made this switch sometime late February to April range after my first intense crush on someone, just after my break-up, left me realizing that I had to deal with me, myself, and I before the three of us decided to date anyone again. Just kidding: I know I am only one person, but it is funny for me to blame either I or myself instead of me when something goes wrong. LOL

I have managed to get through so much without losing my newly found security in myself:

• a few negative, stressful incidents with my children;
• a brand new friendship well outside of my typical comfort area;
• dealing with legal issues;
• on-going interpersonal communication issues;
• a loss of some relationships that were important to me;
• major changes in property/responsibility status (on paper);
• vehicle needing repairs;
• appliances going out;
• a major freezer/food issue;
• a lack of support services in my life; and
• a high number of other, minor changes.

But, then I got overheated. Majorly overheated. And something shifted.

I was no longer secure.

I felt vulnerable.

I didn't want people around.

I figured that I was going back into my previously known (allegedly) anxious attachment style... and I did not want that!!!

That was 2 weeks ago. I refused to ask for help. I refused to let people in. And my friends/family pushed in anyway... which made me more anxious. It really didn't help when some of those things were used against me...

This morning I woke up with another panic attack. I had medication last night and I knew that I needed to fix this attachment issue. But, I don't know how I did it last time or maintained it other than pouring so much love into myself that my cup never reached empty and reassuring myself that I was okay.

It also felt different... the last time I was told that I was anxious attachment style it was between that and avoidant, but the key was that they viewed me as a people pleaser. I was agreeing to things that weren't making me happy, lying through my teeth, and going out of my way to walk on eggshells. What the counselor in question did not realize is that I was entirely in survival mode. I was protecting myself and my kids by "fawning." Yet, my main counselor pointed this out and argued that I was not anxiously attached.

She agreed that I was not securely attached though. I had some traits of anxious attachment: I sought external validation of my experience, however... I also do that when my schizophrenia symptoms get worse as I cannot trust my own perceptions, right? She worked a lot with me on validating myself and trusting myself.

She didn't quite think I was anxiously attached though as I had more traits of avoidant attachment: avoiding subjects that caused intense emotions, avoiding my emotions, intense independence partnered with feeling too dependent on others, and didn't want to let people get close to me.

Thursday during our meeting, I let her know that I wanted to end my newest friendship. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't care about being hurt... I mean... there isn't a lot that anyone could do to me at this point in time that I haven't survived through. She wanted to know why I thought that I'd hurt them. I reminded her that I regularly hurt others, she argued that the pain was very much mutual, and then I admitted my greatest problem: yes, other's have hurt me, but I have made people want to commit suicide which means that I am the dangerous one.

She reminded me that each person's emotions are their own to deal with, but... it wasn't enough to convince me. I shouldn't rely on people because I get comfortable, I take too much out of them, and then they are left empty and wanting to kill themselves.

She reminded me that toxic people will use that line to manipulate other's to do what they want, but... I can't tell when people are trying to manipulate the situation, I give them chance after chance, I make excuses for their behavior, and I don't trust myself because I have been so very wrong.

Then our time was up and I was just in a mood. I hadn't figured out what my problem was... other than an intense desire to metaphorically "dynamite" every relationship in my life. To protect them from me... but that'd cause pain... which isn't protecting them... but less pain than staying in my life.

Yes, I know... they can always make boundaries. One of my girlfriends recently made a boundary (due to physical health) that she can't be on call to watch my kiddos or my critters if I have to travel. I don't mind boundaries. I thrive with known boundaries. I also thrive dissecting boundaries in cooperate environments, but that is beside the point... I like knowing what the boundaries are.

Yes, I know... every person who told me that I was the reason that they wanted to kill themselves was using it to control me - as the moment they got what they wanted - or the cops arrived, the feeling magically left... only to return the next time I said "no" - or when law enforcement left.

Up until last night, I thought I just wanted to "TNT" one specific relationship. But then, the urge to blow up my Mom and I's relationship came out... and one of my best friend's relationship... and then the feeling just kept growing and it scared me.

I had to take a larger than normal dose of medication to control my anxiety for the first time in a while.

This morning I woke up and promptly had another anxiety attack. After even more medication, I realized that I was no longer operating in my secure attachment style.

I hated that realization because ... do you have any idea how hard I worked to get to the point where I both wanted people AND was totally okay if they did not want me back?! Where I wasn't seeking external validation because I knew who I was?! Where I stood?!

Needless to say: I was frustrated! I thought that I had gone back into anxious attachment, but then after doing some research, I felt more like the disorganized attachment style fit better... I want to be loved and to love, but don't touch me, don't help me, don't look at me... I was really happy on Wednesday and yet want to "blow up" my happiness... THIS is worse than PMS!!!

I took a few breathes and called my Mom. What triggered this nonsense? How can I prevent it from ever happening again?

She went down the outcome from the shift in the last couple of weeks... which makes me even more furious with myself... it took me weeks to identify this problem?!

I was frustrated at her for pointing out all of these minor (and some major) changes in my thought processes... and may have growled, "yes, I know... but none of that is the actual trigger."

Then we hit the trigger. I got overheated. My brain stopped working and went into survival mode as I still have to take care of all of the stuff with kids, house, vehicle, et cetera. And now I have a cold... so still in survival mode.

Mom thinks that my secure attachment style will return once I am feeling better and that this is simply my survival mode.

I am not sure that my relationships are safe until them.

I am actually pretty sure that I will succeed in demoing at least one or two of them... my therapist is one that I really want to demo right now - telling me that I should trust myself, telling me that I am the expert in my own life, telling me that she trusts me... putting all of the responsibility squarely where it rests on myself to make myself a better life!!! What is she thinking? That caused a whole lots of problems years ago, and yeah, I have grown... but right now I don't feel good and she just has to go! (She already said that she wasn't going anywhere, but that I could fire her if I really wanted to... nothing takes the urge to do so out of my sails faster than being given permission to destroy my own support system... *growls*) Happily sure of herself that I won't destroy the life I chose to build... I don't know what I want more: to prove her wrong or to accept and embrace that I have grown up into the responsible adult that I really didn't want to become that my old ARMHS worker is proud of seeing me progress to after fighting that really for years...

But... this also is a good way to weed out the people in my life who don't belong. If people can't stay during the bad times, they don't deserve the good times, right?

Only... I want to also apologize for my push/pull behavior. I need to knock it off, but I really don't feel good. I know I want to isolate, but know that that isn't what I need. I know that I feel safe with some of my closest relationships, but I don't want to... I don't want to go back to needing external validation, yet I do need those close friendships.

I also know that I have to prevent getting overheated again... and this cold should almost be over.

Then, I can figure out what all I need to pick up the pieces of, patch what needs to be patched, and say thank you to my close circle who, oh so irritatingly!, refused to be shoved away by me kicking my independence into high gear. *smile*

I miss operating outside of survival mode. I want it back so badly right now. I wonder when my anxious attachment moved to avoidant attachment... because I used to be clingy... but now? Now I feel either like I can give or take equally... or currently... tell everyone to shove off as I want to avoid everything. Well, other than my kids, but... they are dependent on me, so... can't do that! My closest professionals haven't used the word "clingy" with me for a few years now... it changed to "hyper-independent." And I think I know when... but for now, my brain is done thinking. Which is a good thing. *smile*

Yes, I know... I think way too much...