Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mom

I feel good today. Like I’ve got some sort of idea what I want today to be like. I want to clean and I want to bake and I want to give her solids. I don’t think I’ll clean, I definitely won’t bake, but I’ll do my best to give her the opportunity to explore food. I’m stuck on this couch because at 6 months old she still only naps on me. I’m trying to be okay with it, to see it as a success instead of a shortcoming. Trying to soak it in because it will only be a short season and I know I’ll come to miss it. But it’s so hard to get anything done and feel any sort of productive when all I can do is sit on this couch and rot here. Then she’s awake and she can only entertain herself for 10 minutes at a time. I just can’t even fathom the hours I’ll have to myself when she doesn’t need me anymore. Will it be a relief? Or will it become something I miss?

The weather is getting cold. It’s almost a relief. I always find it so motivational when the weather changes. As if I change, too, not just the atmosphere around me. It brings a whole new smattering of creativity; things to bake, ways to decorate, how to dress, etc. Even what books to read and what movies to watch. I’m a creature of routine, though, and I drink the same coffee and eat the same breakfast and watch the same shows. It’s disappointing to have all this motivation and nowhere to release it. We don’t have money to decorate the house for fall or Halloween. Don’t have time to clean up the house as spotless as I want it. Don’t have the will to change my routine to adapt for autumn days. I can just look out the window and pretend I’m out there too. Enjoy the view and nothing more.

On another note, I’ve gotten back into work part time. That’s been so so so difficult for me. So much more than I imagined. My shifts are only 5 hours long, but I work opposite my husband to avoid daycare costs. I feel so lonely, having little interaction at home before I leave. Just to have almost no interaction at work because I’m still new and I don’t really have work friends. Not sure if I’ll ever have work friends because I’m not very social and I have so much anxiety. I overthink the way I dress, the way my hair is done. The words I say, the faces I make. Second guessing every gesture and joke I make just turns into panic instead of friendliness. Like it takes extra work to say words because I can’t be judged if I say none. Except I can. But I’m used to being judged for being quiet and I’m okay with being quiet. It’s better than saying the wrong things. Yet again, I complain about feeling lonely and I make no effort to change that. Stuck in some sort of anxiety loop about having no one and wanting no one. Having huge feelings of sadness and almost grief for the friendships I’ve lost over the years, ones that weren’t true and probably only mattered to me. Having huge feelings about sharing things about myself or being vulnerable to anyone that is not my husband. Having huge feelings that I am missing out on what a normal 22 year old does. Go out and drink with friends. Graduate or even go to college. Most of my peers are not married and are not a mom yet. Its isolating but it’s also the best thing that’s happened to me. It’s the one thing I’ve always known I’ve wanted, more than any career choice. I want a family and I have one. I just feel so guilty that sometimes I imagine something different.