No, He Never Hit Me...

The question got asked again: did he ever hit you?

I wracked my brain for an answer and could only remember the times he almost hit me with his fist making contact with the wall or the door a few inches from my head. "No, he never hit me."

A while later, a friend asked me why I answered that way as they knew he had slapped me, hard enough to be heard several rooms away through closed doors.

"Because he never hit me." I explained.

"Do you not remember?" My friend pressed.

"I remember... but he never hit me." I insisted.

"Slapping is hitting."

"No... hitting would be with a fist... and would leave a mark... and I would know that he had actually hit me. I was lucky to have not made him that angry."

"Who told you that?"

"He did. Besides... without a bruise it is just my word against his and I can't talk to law enforcement... not to mention that I am just a schizophrenic. And, if I tell anyone that he hurts me, the kid's will be taken away from me."

"Who told you that the kid's would be taken away from you?"

"Someone from the county."

"Why do you think that being schizophrenic will matter?"

"Because for 8 years, no one cared enough to believe me that a nurse raped me while in a psychiatric hospital. The attorney and county worker at the time agreed that no one would believe me because I was a schizophrenic and allegedly suicidal - even though that was a lie too. He said that no one would believe me if I told about him either... and I didn't bruise so I had no proof."

"Oh ... how many times were you not hit?" My friend looked like they were going to cry.

"Don't be sad... it wasn't that bad. It didn't hurt too bad... the cracked wrist was the worst of the pain, or when the injury to my knee happened... otherwise everything else? I've had worse done to me. It was okay!"

"No! It wasn't ok! You need to tell ... someone!"

"But, if I do, they'll take my kids away. He promised me that if I breathed a word, he'd make me pay in far worse ways..."

"He can't hurt you anymore!"

And that was were they were wrong... because there are far worse ways to cause me pain than anything physical. And, as it turns out, there are still ways to physically hurt someone who knows some things on what to watch for as long as one is super careful and sneaky about it ... things that I had not even considered prior to preparing to publish this article.

Doctor's weren't sure if they believed that I was abused with the lack of bruising and all. I prayed for so very long that bruises would happen for the proof that other's so desperately needed in order to get help. Bruises did occur, but not where I had prayed for them and so... I knew I needed to leave.

Every now and then I think about it... not being hit didn't hurt that much. Truth is? I have a surprisingly high pain tolerance. Every now and then I consider going back. Don't be so surprised... don't people know that women typically return to their abusers an average of 7 times?

And the urge to be slapped or backhanded or shoved or have my wrist squeezed until the spot that has fractured multiple times starts to ache and the tears well up in my eyes... well... while I don't miss not being hit, I do miss simply not being hit instead of dealing with the new psychological warfare using things so very precious to me. Things that I can't seem to just view as property regardless if that is all the rights that they have.

All I would have to do is submit and change my ways... stop interfering with the picture perfect image someone holds oh, so dear. And yes, I have considered it. A lot. Especially recently.

Only... my current situation happened because I didn't speak up.

I was shamed for it.

I was mocked for it.

I was told that because I couldn't prove it, then it was like it never happened despite holding scars that most can't imagine.

I felt guilt for my silence when loved one's demanded answers.

Now? Now I will speak up, but only on my terms and in a way that I am comfortable with doing. No matter how sad people look when I tell them that certain topics are simply closed and not accessible for them to discuss with me.

He never hit me. At least not as of the date I am writing this: 2-19-25. I never made him that angry when we were together, or when we split, or when he apologized, or when he left again, or when he apologized again, or when he left again, or when he came back with so many restrictions (on me) to ensure a happy relationship... or when I finally left. That means I only went back 4 times... so to be average, only 3 more times, right?

Especially since he never hit me and as long as I cannot prove that he did, then do I really have a reason to stay away? Is it really in the best interests of everyone involved?

But, great news! Publically he wants absolutely nothing to do with me... so if I were to go back? No one would even know, right? We'd just be getting along better, right? Or maybe not... public image is everything after all.

I am great with words... and if I am told that I am using the wrong word enough times with enough of a reason to remember the right word? Well... my brain does what it is trained to do. Ask any of my professionals how many times I have admitted to taking drugs! Irritatingly, they didn't mean prescription drugs they gave me to take... *smile*

Yet, if I did go back... or ask to go back... and things escalated even further? Maybe I made him angry enough to hit me... I'd like to know a few answers to my hypothetical questions from the professionals - especially the one who told me that I should not have left; the one who keeps telling me that I have to stop being in control of everything; the one who told me that men are there to be disciplinarians; the one who told me that a history of bruising was in fact a big deal only then to tell me otherwise; the one who told me that unless it was provable without a shadow of a doubt that it didn't truly matter; and the one who told me that my only problem here is that I'm not letting go...

1. Why would I call the very people that told me that I would be the one in trouble and who didn't help me leave that fourth time? I mean, especially after the last 6 weeks, I'd have to be pretty stupid to come to the conclusion that they would protect innocent ones.

2. How exactly would they know if I did go back? I mean, only a few people were ever aware of an itsy bitty bit of what I lived with and these professionals were not any of them.

3. They did say to give up control, right? They did tell me that bruises are no big deal... and they told me that I couldn't be believed.

4. If it is perfectly fine for a child to casually shrug off injuries from punishments because in the conservative Christian faith, it is the father's role to provide discipline, can they remind me what a wife/partner is supposed to be in the conservative Christian faith? I'll wait.

5. Do they even realize how many times I was informed that I deserved to not be hit (and more) because I couldn't release "control?" As a professional... have they ever taken the time to look at the power and control wheel to have a definition of control?

Actually, here let me help the professionals: control is defined (in this case, not scientifically) as: the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events (noun) as well as determine the behavior or supervise the running of (verb). So, let me restate what they told me when they said to stop trying to be in control: "Stop trying to influence other people's behavior." and "Stop determining the behavior." Don't worry, I know full well that I have 0% influence on anyone's behavior (that no matter what I do, everyone else is going to do whatever they want to do and I can't do a damn thing about it), I am not able to determine behaviors (after all, at least one of them didn't want me to leave such a wonderful relationship and have gone back and forth over whether or not injuries even matter), and the only thing I am left with is: It does not matter who gets hurt at the end of the day. It only matters if I am comfortable facing my God one day and telling Him that I did my absolute best to protect my children and follow His law.

While pregnant, I have to protect my unborn children too. If I am no longer pregnant, then my only mission as a mother is protect the two I have in the best way that I can... and let's face it, harming another person would not be in their best interest and I was the one told that I'd be in trouble for breaking his nose when I was shoved in the corner of that kitchen, my hair yanked backwards to pin me to the wall, and not be hit. Repeatedly. Which leads me to question #6:

Does anyone really believe that I would ever physically defend myself against him? Did I ever defend myself from him after that incident?

I left because I was promised that being out, was less painful than being in and because I believed that justice was real. Don't worry... I understand better now. They explained it well. I can't control what he does... and if I know from experience that he is less aggressive after having that release of adrenaline, then all I can control is what I can do of myself to protect those that is my job to protect, right?

Just speculation though... because while I might not have been extremely injured with not being hit, I was not okay with having my air flow restricted because I said that I'd turn him in. I always make such a big deal out of those little things though... maybe that never happened either? I mean, my throat never showed a bruise, right?

Serious and no sarcasm side note: never tell an angry person that you plan on calling the cops unless there is a decent fence, wall, door, (you get the picture) etc. between you and them. Just make the call and allow them to be surprised when that car pulls up... and personal advice #2, don't ever let your guard down - especially if people(s) know that you love driving to secluded locations and get out to take photos of landscapes that make you feel free and happy - after you make them more angry than they've ever been at you.

I will never allow another person the repeated opportunity to not hit me... no matter what is threatened or promised - except if I honestly and entirely believe that doing so is the only way to keep innocents just a little safer with the knowledge base that I have in life. I can't always make the right call, but I can always do my best. One trauma bond was hard enough to break - and to attempt to keep broken... I don't need any other lessons from other romantic interests attempting to trauma bond me to them.

If you can relate to this story, please reach out for help. There are many domestic abuse hotlines out there to help get you connected with resources! And, remember, you are strong enough to stand firm in your truth - no matter who sides with the individual who will always claim to be the victim! I pray that you live in an area that has better help available to you because no one deserves to live like that.