Long Distance Love Affair

I met him when I was 30 and he was 19. He had just graduated from high school. We met online. In a chat room, although to this day he swears he was never in one. We chatted that summer online and realized that there was an attraction to one another. He asked if I would date him and I told him "no" because of the age difference. This has turned out to be the single most regretted decision in my life.

He went away to college that September. I continued on with my life. We continued to chat, but not on a daily basis like we did over the summer. That October, I met the man who would later become my husband. It was not until February or so that I suggested that it might not be a good idea that we continue to chat since things were getting serious with my soon-to-be husband. Our communication stopped...but picked up again four years later.

He emailed me out of the blue to see if I still had the same email and to see how I was doing. I was quite shocked that he still even remembered my email, but he did. He was now living with the girl he met at college. I asked him about marriage and he said he had no thoughts of that. I told him I was happily married at that point. He said he was happy for me and our conversation picked up just like it never ended over four years ago.

About a year later, I had asked if he would be willing to fix my computer. He studied computer engineering in college. He said he would come down to look at it. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. I was no longer single. How would this affect my marriage? The day came and he showed up. He looked exactly like he had in the picture he sent me four years ago. He told me I looked the same as well. Our hug felt electric. Uh oh. We went into the computer room with my mother sitting in the living room just outside the door. You could feel the nervousness and tension in the air. There was definitely an attraction. He unplugged and unhooked my computer and took it with him. I would have to see him again to get it back.

We saw each other probably two to three more times. On the third time, that was when the line was crossed. He leaned in to kiss me and I didn't fight it. After the kiss broke off, we admitted that it felt like there was electricity between us. I thought that was dangerous to me. We parted and I had a pit in my stomach.

Fast forward to 2014. We are still chatting infrequently via text message. While we were chatting, he admitted that he was in love with me. My heart jumped a little when he said that. He asked if there was any chance I'd be single any time soon. I told him "no". I always thought I would be just a booty call and that he only wanted me for physical needs. He said I was wrong.

Still, our communication continued. Until Halloween 2015, when I found out he was engaged. I was sick to my stomach. I was heartbroken. How can I feel these things still being married? My marriage was starting to go through rocky waters at that time. We talked about the engagement. He said, "What was I going to do? Wait around for you?" He was right. Things dropped off a little at that point.

The following summer, he talked me into meeting him. We met in the parking lot of a mall near where he lived. Things got quite heated as we kissed. We parted again both feeling that aching for the other.

On the night he married, he was texting me. He began a new job and his boss was his wife. He and I exchanged phone calls when possible. We were back to texting on an almost daily basis again.

This has been going on since 1999. And still continues to this day. We talk about if something happens with our spouses (since neither of us think about divorce) then we'll be there for the other. It's crazy. To have these feelings for someone and still be married to another. I know it sounds terrible, but my feelings for him have never waned. They've always been there. And always will be.