Closeted

I saw he had friends on his profile who were crossdressers and crossgenders. I hesitated to reply at first because of this. But I went forward anyway. I asked what it was about. He said it was because they didn't "catch feelings" and couldn't get pregnant. I thought that was reasonable. I asked if he'd ever been with one. He said he had, but only once. We began chatting. We realized we had things in common, despite our 23 year age difference. He offered for us to meet. I accepted.

For the next two years, we met once a week for about 3 hours a night. We would watch something we had chosen off Netflix. We would fool around a bit and then cuddle until it was time for me to go. We started out as what you would call "friends with benefits", but it grew into much more.

He was in the military and went away to California once for a month. He said he probably wouldn't be in touch because they didn't have good service. It turned out to be quite the opposite. He began texting me every day. We got closer. He came back. After a week, he told me he felt that I was getting too close and asked to take a break. I told him that next time he gets a friend with benefits not to be so affectionate with them.

About two weeks later, he texted me. He said he was sorry and he wanted me to come back. That he'd made a mistake. So I started seeing him again. During our time apart, I met someone who knew him from work. He said he always saw him with a girl with "his tongue down her throat". I put this in the back of my mind. I asked if he was seeing someone. He said he was, but wasn't anymore. Despite this, I still went back.

I had asked him if he ever went on the website where we met. He said he had not because he found what he was looking for in me. I believed him.

Fast forward one year. He went to Laos as part of a special trip. Again, he texted me nearly every day. We talked about his leaving in November. He said we will just enjoy the time we have and talk about what will happen with us when the time comes. Sounded perfect.

One month later, I am scrolling through the website from where we met. I rejoined out of sheer curiosity as well as to look up certain friends I'd made. I am perusing through the users of a certain section and there's his picture. He had three older pictures of him so if you wanted to, you could argue that it wasn't him. It listed his orientation as "unsure" and his location as "Antarctica". On this site, if you didn't want people to know where you live, that's what you put. Still in shock over finding his picture, I began looking through his activity history. He was responding to people - crossdressers and crossgenders - about meeting them. I was floored. Devastated. We had just spent the night together earlier. We had just spent my birthday together. And now this? Was he sleeping with them and putting my health at risk?

I had sent him a message on what I found. I never got an answer. Never got an apology. Never got an explanation. Just completely ghosted. I don't begrudge him for being attracted. You like what you like. There is no explanation for that. You can't change it. But you cannot (nor should you) have unprotected sex with one gender while sleeping with the other.

It has been three weeks and I haven't heard a word. My std tests came back clean, thank God. And all I have left is the gift basket he gave me for my birthday.