Living with Insomnia:

Three years ago, my battle with insomnia began. At first, I thought it was a temporary phase—a stressful period that would eventually pass. But as the sleepless nights persisted, I realized this was more than just a fleeting issue. Insomnia had planted itself firmly in my life, transforming my once predictable nights into a series of restless hours and painful sunrises.

Living in Lisbon, a city with some nocturnal life, gave me a unique way to cope. In the small hours of the morning, I’d wander the streets alone, caught in a strange state between being awake and dreaming. That became my “new routine. Even though I was aware of the dangers of walking alone at night, my restlessness outweighed my fear. These walks became both a balm and a torment—an escape from my bedroom, yet a reminder of my isolation. **Now I know all the late dinners in the city as well as extremely early coffee shops…

For someone like me, who thrives on connection and productivity, insomnia has been a profound thief. It robs me of physical energy, mental clarity, and the ability to forge meaningful relationships. The extreme emotional exhaustion often feels unbearable, and few truly understand the toll it takes on every aspect of my life. And yes! I tried the “manzanilla” tea…..

There are brief periods of relief—months when I manage to sleep the longed-for seven or eight hours. During those times, I taste happiness again and everything just seems back to “normal”. But just as quickly, the cycle resumes, dragging me back into sleeplessness. I’ve tried everything—medication, routines, holistic remedies, gym, diets…..Some days, I convince myself things will change, only to have hope slip through my fingers once more.

Recently, I traveled to the United States, where I was surprised to sleep a solid seven hours for several nights. But upon returning to Lisbon, the jet lag set off another bout of insomnia. Winters are especially hard for me. In summer, at least, the early sunrises provide some solace, and I can step outside to shake off the loneliness in the city…. Is weirds but I started to enjoy the silence and quietness of the city. In winter, the darkness seems to linger forever, amplifying the silence and my despair…..

At night, I often find myself gazing out from my balcony. Despite living in a central, bustling area, the city feels quiet and serene. Occasionally, I spot signs of life—a car passing, a late-night wanderer—and I’m comforted by the thought that I’m not entirely alone in my wakefulness.Now that Christmas is approaching I watch the Christmas lights….

This condition has deeply affected my professional life. I’m naturally active and thrive on execution, but there are days when my mind feels clouded and I struggle to function… I’m fuzzy….Sometimes, I simply want it all to stop, to just end the cycle and find peace.

Never did I imagine that something as simple as sleep—a basic human function—would become a privilege. Now, I rely on melatonin, chewing the pills as if they might unlock the rest I so desperately crave. I avoid stronger medications, wary of dependence. But in these endless nights, I can’t help but wonder if restful sleep will ever truly return to me.

Living with insomnia is a silent struggle, and for those of us who endure it, it’s a relentless reminder of how vital yet fragile our ability to rest can be… we tend to grant the simple things but those can go away suddenly. But you know what? sometimes, it doesn’t feel entirely bad—there’s a certain beauty in those quiet, sleepless nights…