ORCHID

I would like to have a specific order to start this story, but I just want to start by remembering that day I saw a movie "The Orchid" if I remember correctly, where a girl no longer felt happy in her marriage and was able to cheat on her husband with another man, but not only that is that I felt so identified as she was so fragile before a look as penetrating as that of her lover, who desired her and looked at her with love and intrigue, that man who felt that she was a trophy that she wanted but could not touch. That feeling of the lover towards her, that vibe of energies that vibrate in a thousand colors throughout the body, but are trapped in it, that kind of vibrant sensation of wanting to shout it, but not being able to do it, because that's simply what was incredible for me at the time of watching the movie, I thought how beautiful love is even if it was forbidden, But is that really forbidden what makes those strong gazes and compact energies stronger?

When I finished the film I continued with my normal life, I lived with my boyfriend Ricardo in a small apartment, he worked hard, at that time we had just arrived in that new city, so I had not yet gotten any job. And every time he came home and he didn't get me doing something productive, the fights began, he simply said Amanda I can't do everything, you must go out, you have to dare to know and look for bread, otherwise inflation is rising every time it will catch up with us and we will not be able to handle it.

So among so many problems one day I was able to go out to one of the most luxurious and expensive areas of the city, I managed to sign up for an event to model some varied brands, just to hand out brand brochures, invite people to consume some product, anything. So two days later they called me to go to an event of a restaurant that was opening its doors and there were many people, I was at the entrance of the place inviting people to enter with two more very nice girls, in fact we became friends immediately.

Between greetings and entrances from many people, musicians, the photographer arrived, I don't know how but I literally feel that I even felt him arrive at the precise moment he arrived, I put my gaze on him and him, he took a photo of the girls and me, I greet them since I knew them and entered the place, At that moment I saw him I thought this is the perfect man for me, it's like you finally arrived I can meet you, I was always waiting for you, it's you, there wasn't that look I talked about before, it was just a recognition, it's that it's really you.

A week went by and attending different events with the girls, I had good pay and a very good work team I began to feel very cool, and I always remembered that photographer boy, but I never asked about him, until one day he came back this time we were in a live music disco with different artists, So that day we greeted each other I felt flying, I loved him the first moment I saw him but I never thought I would see him again, we talked and it was nice cordial, short but nice. At nightfall I wanted to go out to smoke a cigarette and he offered to accompany me, something very strange happened because it was very cold outside and I did not carry any coats, so I got as close to him as I could without feeling any shame I felt so attracted to him that I did not even think if I had a girlfriend if I felt the same if he also recognized me, I didn't think about anything, I was just able to be as close as I would ever have been to a person I was seeing for the second time, he didn't come closer to me or say anything, he stood motionless and just waited for me to finish my cigarette and without saying a word we re-entered the event.

After that night we shared every event together, each and every one of them, we made a group of friends and we were all very close, so one night we decided to go out to have fun, I was very confused between going out alone with my new friends and the guy of my life who was only my life in my mind, or invite my boyfriend Ricardo to make him part of my environment and forget about my movie fantasies. So yes, I had to do things as I should, I had to invite my boyfriend and we went out to a very nice place in town it has nice hills, and a very nice atmosphere with musicians in the streets some yellow lights that give a relaxing atmosphere, in addition to adding that you are in front of the beach, there is an incredible breeze and it is a magical area.

I was a little uncomfortable I must admit because despite being with my boyfriend there was Augusto the photographer, Fernanda and Carolina my co-workers, however the atmosphere was calm and Ricardo quickly adapted to the group and tried to fit in, so we went out to dance and although I was not aware of Augusto I felt that disturbing but compact energy inside my body, thinking OMG what this is, I have been with Ricardo for 4 years I had never liked another guy, I didn't even think I could be able to notice another man, I thought I only had eyes for the one who had stayed with my heart and I didn't have a heart for someone else, I was so confused, between the dances, Ricardo took some time to sit down but the emotion I felt in my body inside had me with a lot of energy so I continued dancing and Augusto approached Ricardo and asked him for permission to dance with me and he agreed without problem, without having any idea that I was dying inside between excitement, happiness, and confusion, it was crazy but I danced with him in front of my boyfriend, in my mind I said I am dancing with my new boyfriend in front of my other boyfriend, But as I tell you, this guy didn't even have my phone number, we were just making friends, all that crazy love was in my head, to the point that I felt like I couldn't even look him in the eye because if he did he was going to give me away. So at the end of the night I went home with Ricardo, we drank a lot so we literally arrived as we could super bad, and we went to sleep right away.

The days passed, I continued working with my group, I continued to talk more and more with Augusto, we all continued to go out and I always invited Ricardo, but, although I always tried to fit in with my new friends, it was not very pleasant for them, although they were very respectful with me, they felt that something was missing and they also realized the little attention he gave me and the little interest he had in me, and without realizing it too because I was trying to invite him less and less.

And suddenly one day I had his number and I started talking to him, with Augusto I remember him as if it were yesterday, those messages without any insinuation but with a lot of interest, he worried more and more about me every day, when we left events late sometimes in the early hours of the morning I had to go home alone so he always made sure to send me an Uber from his cell phone to be sure of my way to see me while I was in the Uber and to know when I was home safe and sound and that began to break down the whole wall of strength that my respect for me and my relationship with Ricardo had for me, because he no longer cared if I was late or not, he was not aware of my arrival and weakly I was clinging more and more to Augusto and his infinite desire not to let me go alone not even to a corner if I went for some candy, sometimes he would just go for me so that I wouldn't risk walking alone in the city because I didn't know it very well, and I entered another planet totally when my co-worker had become my guardian angel my bodyguard, my tour guide and my perfect love (in my head).

One day, we left an event early and we were invited to stay at the celebration, so I drank two glasses of vodka and my energy managed to get out of my body, I managed to look him in the eyes, I bared my feelings without saying a single word, I looked at him I smiled, he smiled at me and I said to his eyes you have something to say to me, And without understanding anything he was saying, I wonder about what? And I was telling him you know, I'm waiting for you to tell me, he was on his phone making some posts of the photos he was taking about the event we were at, and I got restless trying to insinuate myself as much as I could, he just resisted and pretended that nothing was wrong, I looked at him and and I insisted, I'm waiting for you to tell me something and you know you have to do it, You have to tell me. He started trying to guess nonsense about what was going on around me and I was desperate, he was still on his cell phone and I was almost walking in front of him, I couldn't help it, I wanted all his attention, I wanted to jump, I wanted to run in his arms, sit on his lap and stay there, my anxiety was at its peak because I didn't want to be the one to tell him, I'm dying of love for you, me. You love please kiss me, it was the only thing I wanted to do, but I didn't want to be me, I just wanted him to tell me that he liked me too because at that moment I knew I could feel it, he never showed with fixed looks on my face that look that I expected and described, but when I didn't see him I felt his penetrating look in me that look just as I wanted, But if I looked at him he would just look away and want the game to end and be able to look me in the eye and tell me what he felt, but it was so hard that it took me maybe an hour between mimicking and riddles to tell him indirectly that he had to tell me that he liked me, maybe he could continue a little more with that game, I really couldn't take it anymore. In a few minutes I entertained myself among my energies socializing with the people who were inside and he approached me and told me listen, and he left I looked at him and continued talking with the customers, until a song that had been popular 6 years ago began to play, it was very old, but it said exactly what I needed to hear "here is a feeling you feel it and I feel it, Girl, I like you," I heard that and my heart stopped and I said it's him. I immediately went out to see him and he was singing, I laughed and showed him my bright eyes while I tried to hide but I was never as good at it as him, there were more people with us so I just saw him singing while my heart and my inner person jumped non-stop with bright eyes, I sang with him and my friends that they didn't realize what was happening, I remember that he was so happy that I totally went over drinks and I went with him to another place and kissed him without fear, without shame if anyone saw us, I let go as I had wanted to do a long time ago I fell into his arms I hugged him and danced with him all night, I lost consciousness between the infinite glasses I drank, since it was the only way I could react to not come to my senses about what I was doing, I just got drunk on love and alcohol so as not to feel guilty, but the next day the guilt was double.

And on the contrary, he let go naked in front of me, he showed me what he felt, we started going out every night after each event, walking to talk, to contemplate the sea, we had our first perfect date in front of the sea, we played video games, there were incredible places and he shared them with me every night, we went hand in hand with tender looks and sweet kisses, I felt incredible, we were in autumn very well, I remember the weather was cold but not too cold, it was perfect, the streets were dark and silent, but they had certain details that made me smile, we were able to get on the buses get up and pretend we were surfing, we got off and laughed, we jumped off the city benches, playing games and saying nonsense, we lived there, the now fully, I was still drunk with love and I told him, it's you, your orange sweater is as perfect as you are for me, your smile, look, seriousness and that ability to look at me without me noticing, how could you come up behind me and tell me "I'm looking at you, I know what you do" when I was distracted just looking at some silly thing and he noticed it, something more beautiful like someone really looking at you, analyzing you and realizing who you are without you saying a single word, just looking at your movements, your gestures or your madness, no matter how many words I say to describe what it feels like to be in the clouds, I hope everyone one day can collect that feeling as I had that opportunity, he was so beautiful, his sweetness with me, he was simply perfect, I lived my movie while Ricardo slept with me and he didn't realize it, he only came home from work to sleep and when I came back he was already asleep and when I woke up he was already gone, I didn't have any contact with him, more than sharing a bed without having sex, kisses or words. Nothing existed, and between those days I was capable of what I thought I was not capable of, we made love for the first time, he told me I am the happiest man in the world and I believed him because I felt the same, he also told me I would be able to have a child with you and live with you for the rest of my life. And at that precise moment I was terrified, I was filled with fear. But I never told him, I just hugged him, kissed him, waited a while and went home.

The next day I didn't have a job so I stayed all day in the apartment thinking about Ricardo and crying non-stop, how could my god be, at what point was I able to betray my boyfriend what am I doing? Am I killing my relationship or has it already died and I didn't find out? I don't want to be the killer of this story, what can I do? I had a terrible day, but I remained silent. Augusto wrote to me and I told him that I felt a little bad about what was happening and he insisted that I go with him, I told him I won't be able to, I love you, but I can't do something like that. And did he tell me, well, you were with me, do you feel the same as me or not? You must leave it and come with me, I told him that I was going to think about it.

Those days he was a little strange and he told me that his ex-girlfriend had also left him for someone else, he told me one day between his weakness I don't want this to end ever, taking my hand and looking me in the eyes and I told him that I didn't want him either but that it wasn't right, because among his confessions he told me that his fear was that one day he was going to do the same thing to him, what he did to Ricardo. Then that day I fell off the cloud and tried to explain to him in a thousand ways that my love for him was so unique that I didn't want to change anyone for anyone, I never understand.

One day between tears I confessed to Ricardo that I had made a mistake, that I felt guilty for loving someone other than him, he knew it, but he never told me, he noticed my changes, my absence my lack of attention to him, and he saw me on the floor destroyed as I tried to understand what had happened to me, I get up, hug myself, forgive myself and I simply stop listening to my heart. My love for Augusto was so much that I had to leave him, I knew that continuing with him alone was going to increase his security that one day I would stop loving him as I stopped loving Ricardo for him. He never understood the love I had for him, it was so great that I had to let him go, I had to change jobs and move away, for me it was easier to keep that love in my memories than to risk myself for love and hurt the one I loved for so many years like Ricardo.

I can't tell you how many months it took me to recover because I think maybe a year passed that I went to bed thinking about him and woke up remembering him, I couldn't stop thinking about Augusto day and night, I slept with Ricardo and cried for Augusto, Ricardo never noticed him, I simply had company for my spite.

Until one day it happened. I could no longer remember him at every moment, but I never forgot that feeling, that love stayed with me forever, he is now happy with someone else, I know. And I'm alone. But I keep the memories of that love, which for me was the real one, the one where you have to let it go even if it hurts. But it is never forgotten.