Its Inside Again

“I am so glad we went out,” Sarah yelled at her friend over the noise of arcade dings and teenagers screaming.

“Me too,” her friend stated as she kept her gaze on the screen. The games villians and heros flickering in her eyes.

“I appreciate you,” Sarah reminded her friend.

Sarah always wanted to show her love. Not everyone did, but she knew everyone needed to feel that appreciate. Atleast, she needed it. She was feeling okay lately. Everything seemed to be working out. Her friend she is with spent a lot of time with her. She liked there relationship, she was opened and honest with everything. Sometimes, her comments would hurt. But, atleast someone wanted to spend time with her.

Her friends with benefits spoke with her everyday, telling her about his passions and life stories. He talked about his issues when needed. He was opening up to her, she was there when he needed her to be. He was never there when she wanted or needed. But, atleast someone wanted to talk to her.

As she tried to move her lingering thoughts away. She began to focus more on the moment in front of her. As she watched amazed at her friends score, and continous hand movements. Her eyes noticed something dark and strange flickering in the background. She knew it wasn’t there. It was creeping inside again, her negative thoughts. She couldn’t let them come back in.

“Shit ,” her friend yelled distracting her.

Throwing up their hands, they let out a long winded sigh.

“Oh,” Sarah said to her friend, “that’s a really good score. Want to go again?”

“No,” her friend starting grabbing her things, “I am kind of tired, I don’t want to hang out with you all day.”

Which in Sarah's unfortunate mind, could be translated to “I am tired of you.”

“Me too,” Sarah laughed, “we hang out to much.”

They went there separate ways. As Sarah drove home, she felt a consistent stare in the back of her car. She knew it was here, but it wasn’t real. She needed to move it out of her mind. But she ccouldn’t.

Suddenly, the tears started streaming down her face. She didn’t know why she was crying…..She knew why, she refused to acknowledge the thoughts. It came back. The darkness she noticed before was still with her.

“Let me in,” it’s voice whispered gently, “let me in, give it to me.”

Her tears now streaming faster. No, I am happy. This is wrong.

“You’re giving to everyone,” a weight of hands placed on her heart,, “give it to me. I want the rest.”

“Fuck,” She screamed as her nails dug into the steering wheel, “go away!”

Trying to push the negative thoughts out of her head, she drove home quickly. Atleast there she could find a distraction.

A few days went by, she was finally feeling better. Work was going okay. Although her boss was completely irritating her, she ignored it. She mad plans to hang out with her friends with benefits. She knew that he would most likely ditch her. He almost always did.

“I fell asleep” “I forgot” “I just don’t want too,”

Although it always hurt a little bit, she was okay with it. She loved to be around him. Unfortunately, she gained more love and appreciation for him. More than he had, which is probably the reason everything always ended up like this.

She was holding on the hope, that this time would be different. A few days before, she tried to confirm the plans.

“Hey, what did you want to do Friday,” she texted adding a smiley face to not pressure him.

“Friday,” he texted back, “what is Friday?”

He forgot about her…that’s okay, he had to work, right?

That Friday, she stayed in her home. Watching TikToks, snap stories. And occasionally Facebook reels. She was so upset over him. There just friends, she would remind herself. He doesn’t need to go all out. But he could have remembered me…

That night, she went to sleep. Waking up around midnight, she checked her Snapchat stories. He left work early, and went out anyways. That was a low blow. A little disrespectful, but she tried to understand.

“We have to understand others, respect their feelings, we don’t know,” she reminded herself.

Placing her phone on the floor, she wrapped her arms around her knees. Trying not to think of the negative thoughts that always feels her mind around these times.

The thoughts unfortunately began to spread, she couldn’t stop them. She cried again, always crying when she is alone.

“You look so happy, I would just kill myself if I saw you depressed,” her advisor told her years ago. A year ago, the same day she was experiencing these dark thoughts. Honestly, she planned to kill herself on the way home. After meeting with her advisor, his thoughts lingered in her head forever. That’s when she knew. She needed to be happy for other people, show appreciation, never let them down.

She tried to listen to his words as good things, but her sadness just became worse. A guilty feeling would was over her, every single time she tried to feel anything.

The darkness crept closer, she never saw it. But, she could feel it. She would describe it as a feeling, a person creeping over her shoulder. A tall lanky dark shadow, standing almost two feet over her. Constantly leaning over her shoulder. With long arms and sharp fingers. Always digging into her heart.

“You are all alone,” it whispers, “give it to me.”

Her heart started to beat loudly as the negative thoughts circled around her.

“No one actually likes you. No one respects you. You’re a people pleaser. That’s why they deal with you. “

“STOP, GO AWAY, “ she hit her head forcing the thoughts out.

Her heart felt heavy, but she convinced herself her feelings were not real. Throwing herself back, she stared into the ceiling until sleep over took her.

A few days later, She was happy again, she was going to try to reach out to her friends for clarification, advice, and help. Which she did, however, she was met with what seemed to be denial, confusion, and a lack of communication. In her mind, a sign of disrespect and failure.

It didn’t really help her concerns or her thoughts. But, it was okay. Although her needs were not addressed, she still spoke to them all day. Trying to remain happy and less annoying. But, the thoughts still lingered.

Unknown as to way, her friends and family became negative to her  always commenting on her actions, her looks, and everything around. Atleast to her, that’s what it seemed. This messages stung her more today than ever.

“Let me in,” the voice krept, “give it to me.”

As she sat there, she began to think. She is happy, she has friends, and she would do anything for them.

“Let me in,” the weight of arms wrapped around her, “Give it to me you’re not happy. No one cares. No one would do the same for you.”

Finally, she started to sink. Maybe her negative thoughts were right, no one actually cared as much as she did. She gave people feelings that she never felt, that she wanted. Maybe her negative thoughts should take control.

“I should reach out to someone,” she thought, “no, I’ll annoy them. They don’t need my negative energy? Maybe a therapist? No, they’ll judge me. I’ll just give up.”

Now, she with her head tilted down. Her happy thoughts pushed back, who cares if people felt appreciated. She didn’t. Who cares if they weren’t happy with her or in general? She didn’t. It, the negative, towered over her. Happier than her.