It Wasn't Healthy

"It wasn't healthy". Those are the words I've needed to hear for 9 months, the words I keep forgetting. It's so easy to romanticize relationships you're no longer in and so easy to forget all the bad things that they did to you. I realize that now. And I realize that I've known this for how long now and yet I still get sad. Why do I get sad? Sure, I loved him, I know that, and I think he loved me too but like I said, it wasn't healthy. (So why does it matter how I felt about him? Why does it still tear me apart to think about his hand in mine?) Not for me. Not for him. We're coming up on a year and I'm still asked "What happened?" or "How is he?" or "Are you guys still friends?" But my question is, why can't the past be left there? Why can't we let the peace settle? Why does it have to be disturbed? I want to leave him behind, I do, but I'm struggling. I need help. God please help me, I can't do this on my own and that's what I am; on my own. This whole thing has separated me from the ones I love. It's made me question every decision I've ever made. But most importantly, I question the whole "thing", why did I do it? I knew he was a bad idea, I knew I'd regret it. I've definitely learned my lesson, or have I? Am I looking for him in my current friends? In my crushes? In all my relationships? I went through all of it, all the pain and all the suffering, and for what, for a mob of unanswered questions? He is a recurring theme that I'm tired of writing about. He is a season that I want to change. A school year that has lasted too long, I want my break. I need my break. He is a weed that won't die, he's suffocated me, and now I'm a lawn being infiltrated by something so ugly and hateful. I am a flower who can't bloom because I've been robbed of my warmth, of my sunlight by a dark stormy cloud. To live I need the cloud to drift off in the distance and yet it's still so close. I struggle to survive day to day.

All

Because

Of

HIM.

I want him gone, out of my life. I'll do whatever it takes to get the image of him out of my head. His brother, his mom, his aunt, his grandma, his uncle, his cousins, his really cute dogs, his piña coladas, his pool, his mini-mansion, his 3 dining rooms, his chandelier in every room, his floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, all of it, make it leave.

Please.

At this point all he restores in me is the pent up hate I got rid of way back when. He brings out the worst in me, even from a distance. I was recently told to forgive and forget. So that's what I'll do. If you're reading this, I FORGIVE YOU, but I'll never forget what you did to me. It will be stored in the back of my head so I don't get wrapped up in something like this again. So I don't have to feel this hate again. This pain. Maybe you'll forgive me too, because our pain was always a double edged sword. We've both been pierced in the heart and we need to heal. The only way to do that is to go our separate ways, so this is;

Goodbye.