Dear, Mom...

May 3, 2022

Hey, Mom

It's been a while. Well, actually I saw you three weeks ago, so maybe not that long. With Mother's Day around the corner I've been thinking about you a lot. Like what to write in your card or whether I should get you a necklace in gold, silver, or rose gold. But you know when I'm thinking so much about one thing to the point that I write a letter, it's never good.

That being said, there's only one way this roller coaster of emotions can go. Down.

I've been told throughout my entire life to be grateful for what I have and what God has given me. And throughout my entire life it has been something I've struggled with when it came to certain topics. One of those topics being you.

Sure, I'm grateful that I have a mother and one that is present in my life, it's just that sometimes I believe that you don't deserve your 'mother' card. Sadly, I'm sure my siblings, your other children, would agree. I wanted them to have a wonderful relationship with you even though at this point I don't. They say that all they need is me but I believe they should have some sort of figure in their life that isn't just their adolescent older sister. But like me, they feel like they can't trust you, that at every turn you will betray them, and that if they don't live up to your perfect idea of what a child should be that you won't love them anymore (if you ever did). I never wanted that for them or myself. I always wanted a mother like the girls in the movies; gossip sessions, braiding each others hair, and giggling about cute boys. Instead, you tell gossip about me behind my back, and you hate it when anyone touches your hair, and you tell me that crushes are dumb and the guys I like are ugly. Not what I expected.

You have hurt me beyond imaginable.

First you came for me. Body-shaming, rude comments, compliments that aren't really compliments. And I was fine with that, haters gonna hate. I could overlook what you said until it became too much. I was depressed and thinking some bad thoughts. To this day I feel insecure every time I look in the mirror. All I hear is your voice, "You don't look good in that," "You're too fat," "Ha, you actually thought that you could pull that off?" But I learned to live with the little voice in my head that sounds just like you.

Then you came for my brother. Honestly, the worst damage you did to him was ignoring him. He's the middle child and you proved the stereotype right, the middle children do get neglected. I think out of the three of us he loved you the most. Initially, I loved you the most, but that was when I was young and naive. He was a mama's boy, mostly because his dad is worse than you, hard to fathom. Now he only trusts his siblings. Me and your other daughter. Her and I are the only ones who have stuck around through it all.

Last but not least, you came for her. I love her like my child, you were a single mom and I helped raise both of them. They are like my kids, and I can't imagine ever hurting them like you have. She is young, not even a teenager yet, and she was your number one fan when no one else was. Now she tells me that she wants to go away from this world and never came back, if you know what I mean. I didn't care when you said anything rude to me but whenever she tells me that you said something hurtful to her I want to scream! She is my everything, he is my everything. To paraphrase Maverick from The Hate You Give, they are my reasons to live and my reasons to die.

I hate you because of what you did to me and my mental health. But more than anything, I hate you because of what you did to them.

-Love, your oldest.