I was 18 when I decided to quit pornography; I’m now 43 sitting alone in my room having destroyed my life.

I'm 43 and have lived my whole life behind a pc . Early on it seemed the best way I could find peace and contentment was by gambling, games or watching porn. It wasn't just fun and interesting but it additionally took the edge off and made all that pain and soreness that I felt daily go away. It became like the element I should count on in a world I never truly felt fit in - the screen.

I have become infatuated with video games from age 6 or 7 - all my friends played them it is the main thing we did. But I appeared to be more into it than them. They would be interested in doing different things too, however not me. I simply desired to hold playing. I remember even in elementary coming up with motives to miss college so I could play video games all day. Even at this younger age video games had been already affecting my life and stunting my social skill development.

Then I remember being 14 and having my first experience of not being capable of controlling my sexual behavior. Internet was new and AOL became the thing, but after a certain amount of mins, you had to pay extra. My dad said you have this amount of mins! So I knew I would now no longer cross over that amount of mins lest make my father angry and also you didn't want to make him angry.

But I found AOL trade chat rooms and newsgroups - and in the internet pornography. And I quickly discovered that I could not seem to stop when I wanted. I recall the time of day getting late saying I need to quit but not being able to end. "I'll stop at 10:00 pm". Then 11:00 pm would come around. "I'll get off by midnight." Then I'm still on at 2:00 am.

I bear in mind beginning to feel fear as the mins were ticking away and that when they were finished I must stop because my dad could be so pissed if I used up the free mins. I felt worried about running out of mins because I wanted to keep looking at more pornography and experiencing the "dopamine spike", something that was new to me but I really desired more of that feeling, that euphoria. I didn't want that "spike" to end.

Then, the fear modified from being afraid of running out of mins to realizing I had already run out of mins but was still searching for more porn. I became terrified then, knowing my father was going to be pissed and that every minute would be increasing his bill. But I still failed to stop, I couldn't stop!

The final bill came to a bit over 250 bucks for that month and I paid the price. I additionally lost access to the internet, however, I could not stop thinking about it, in spite of the consequences. I became obsessed with it and the way it made me feel. But something else accompanied the pleasure and intrigue, however - and that was a shame. I felt shame.

At 17 I got my personal pc and internet and didn't have to fear about a particular amount of mins anymore. As a result, I lived behind the pc screen. My friends were being social in high school and I stayed behind my pc. Want to go to a party? No thanks! Want to go to a dance? Nah, got something going on. Want to go play soccer? Busy sorry! I LIVED in my room behind my pc whether it was browsing for pornography endlessly one night, or losing myself in a fantasy video game world the next. Going to sleep telling myself I'll in no way do that once more I'm stopping for good became an everyday occurrence. The next day or so I would be back at it once more.

I barely graduated high school, missing I think 40 days of my final semester. I regularly could not wake up for school due to the fact I was up all night searching for pornography, or gambling. At this point, I additionally noticed I didn't seem to have any interest in intercourse with ladies as all my friends did. I did find women attractive, I just could alternatively watch them on a pc screen than engage in person. At 18 porn had already modified me, warped me, to not desire human contact but simply to seek sexual gratification from a distance and by myself.

I had my first relationship at 19 and it lasted about 3 years, still my longest relationship duration. At first, I swore I could by no means watch pornography, I should only be loyal to her and she said she didn't think it was ok to do. I lasted approximately 7 months. Around that point we had finally begun messing around sexually. Interestingly, instead of desiring intercourse with her, I preferred to do things to her that I saw in porn movies those experiences with a video camera, then watch the video and masturbate like I did while watching porn . I wanted to make my very own porn. Actually, I didn't really want that, the real me deep inside - the actual me didn't need to do those things with her at all however the addictive part would take over and any limitations I tried to create for myself I would cross. This would not be the first time I crossed my personal ethical limitations.

So, as soon as I convinced her to go along with this stuff our relationship changed. I was no longer emotionally linked during any of our sexual interactions, she became just an object. She knew this and she felt pain - I also felt pain, after all I know I’m wrong but I swear I’m not a monster, I still have feelings .Then the next time would come and my addictive thoughts would crave it once more. The resolutions and pain of the last time, even from a few days prior maybe, were a distant memory.

So I would lure her into it once more and she would go along with it once more thinking it'd make me satisfied and get me to like her more. This turned into the start of our downfall when my addiction took over in the bedroom and everything that resulted after.

I started watching pornography once more around this time secretly so I had that shame too. To make a long story short, our relationship went downhill and ended after 3 years. All the while, I never once desired intercourse with her. Till this day I actually have in no way experienced a real desire for intercourse with a girl because of the mental twisting porn has done to my brain.

After our relationship ended, I knew I needed help. At this point, I had spent nearly 2 years with her watching porn and constantly swearing I would not watch it anymore, then continue anyway. I may want to objectively see the way it had twisted me and the resultant manner I interacted together along with her sexually because of the warping of the brain.

I was scared; I didn't want to grow old doing this. Nothing sounded worse. And I didn't want to do the things I did in that relationship once more. So I went to a therapist, and he recommended going to a group referred to as SAA. I did go and I don't forget my first meeting a bunch of guys, older guys, saying how fortunate I was to be getting this under control in my early 20s. They have been ecstatic for me. I was so excited that I seemed to find some acceptance and a place to go. It was relieving to realize it wasn't just me, I had truly believed I turned into a monster and defective, the only one doing those things.

I could in no way have imagined that 21 years later from that day, I might still be dealing with this shit. I spent the following 21 years saying to myself "I still have time, that is too good to pass up I'll give it up soon." Or just giving into cravings rather easily. All the while I continued to lose myself increasingly more in video games also.

I have not experienced many more relationships since first one, I was obsessed with pornography and video games. Or, when I wasn't, I felt full of shame to have the confidence to interact with many people. But those moments of not doing either never lasted long - however, the disgrace was constant and ever-growing. As was the inner pain.

There was another long-term relationship in my early 30s though, which was once more destroyed by my addictive behaviors. The identical issue happened with the sexual stuff, but now my gaming had progressed also. It too now turned into ensuing in lifestyles of chaos. I could not manage when I would stop, there were no mind in my head but the game. If I wasn't playing, I turned into wondering about how I may want to get done whatever had to be done, the bare minimum to survive, so I could get back to gaming. My relationship suffered, the final straw was when I yelled at her for interrupting a voiced cut scene in a game. Not the first time, but it turned into the last. I'm amazed she stayed around as long as she did.

After she left things took an extra downward spiral. some years later right here I am typing this. I exist, not much more. Practically anything that requires work, or me being present, I've actively driven out of my existence to make time and freedom for video games and pornography.

The sad thing is, that I've hardly ever been content doing this in any manner. Quite the opposite in fact. It's been a bit of being tied up and pressured to observe yourself slowly becoming worse and waste away. A part of you is screaming inside, crying, pleading to stop, understanding the harm and pain you are doing to yourself, your life, and the people you love. But you couldn't stop. "I'll give it up tomorrow." 21 years of tomorrows.

As of now, I'm unrecognizable to anyone who knew me even 10 years ago, not to mention when I went to that first SAA meeting 21 years ago. I'm a shell, a husk of a human at this point. I ignored out on a family and youngsters which I so desperately desired, constantly choosing pixels over reality. If it wasn't porn it was an online game, if not an online game it was porn. It usually feels so safe in the display screen, like nothing can harm me or wrong me. Yet it has destroyed me.

I live with a cat, am almost 44, and have no children or partner. I am in a 2 bedroom rental sitting right here at a desk as I write this with a pizza at the counter. I'm over 280 pounds. I lost my final job because I could not function properly anymore calling out so much either due to the fact I spent all night time gaming or watching pornography. I've been single for nearly 10 years now. Haven't had an erection in years. At this point, it is become almost essential to keep away from as many life obligations as possible just so I can stay in the display screen to escape from the pain of knowing what a life of living in the screen have done to me.

A part of me feels and recalls being a teen or a kid and having goals and hopes. It feels like yesterday. How did this happen? Where did the time pass? Who is that monster in the mirror?

I started to read porn addiction books (the best one is “Befapless”) and I joined porn addicts communities (most popular are “r/nofap” and “r/pornfree”) hoping I can break free from this shithole.

I didn't game or watch porn nowadays and the torture of living in reality, understanding the truth of what has occurred in my life as a final result of decades of this, is almost unbearable. It's like I'm in a nightmare I just need so desperately to break out but I can't. This is real. What I feared most back then has happened - I did get old and never stopped doing it. I wasted my life. I wish I hadn't. God, I wish I hadn't. It's so painful!

If you are young reading this, please do something at all necessary to overcome this now. Please, in case you had the opportunity like I did at 21 to recover from this destructive behavior use every ounce of power and willingness to ask for assistance you can muster. It surely will wreck your life and the longer you go the harder it is to stop.

Most Important Resources for Recovery:

Fapless : A Guide for Breaking your Pornography Addiction.

Reddit : Nofap Community

Reddit : Pornfree Community