I Love You

I remember the first time I love you slipped out to a girlfriend. She was supposed to be my best friend and used it to demand me spending money on her, used it to demand that we do what she wanted to because "that's what you do for people you love," and used it to demand that I give her emotional attention even when I was so drained after the death of my grandmother. I didn't love her enough to keep her friendship.

I learned that apparently when people say "I love you" they mean I love what you do for me or I love how you make me feel.

I have never once said "I love you" for any of those reasons.

I still remember the first time I love you slipped out to a guy friend. He was a gaming buddy and he was appalled that I said that.

That was the day that I learned that it was obviously wrong to say it, but I continued saying it anyway and letting the people who couldn't handle my sweet innocence walk right out of my life.

After a few very toxic relationships took my love as a doormat to walk all over me complete with rules about how I could not say that to anyone they didn't approve of, I recently added self love into the equation when it finally clicked that love does not tolerate all things.

I have said "I love you" out of habit, out of fear of the anger that would strike if I didn't perform the obligated phrase, and out of pure child-like honesty.

It is one of those things that I believe my schizophrenia helps me with as I have been told that I am quite child-like when not dealing with trauma. Have you ever seen a healthy 4 year old? They match your energy, they ask what you need when you are sad, they are goofy, they are at peace with themselves and their surroundings. I have the intellect of a 30-some-year-old and the no nonsense state when pushed too far of a crazy old cat lady, but my heart? Thank God for keeping it gentle and precious like a child's. Matthew 19:14 says, "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." If heaven is even a little bit like my heart, then I am so glad that He is making a place for His children there!!!

I say those three words for many, complex reasons, but here are a few: I love you because I see how hard you work to keep going through every day. I love you because I hear how much you want to be enough - and you are enough. I love you because you are such a good person. I love you because you have a beautiful soul. I love you because everyone needs real love and I choose to trust you enough to be able to say the words that you can use against me when you fail to understand what exactly I said.

I stopped saying I love you because the world told me to. I sat in anger and a puddle of tears because the world allows my little's to say what I am not allowed to say because love from another adult is supposed to come with strings attached. I felt completely alone for a long time and struggled making connections because not many can just love. And then, I choose to love despite everything.

You see, love is peaceful. Fighting love makes me at war with myself. I don't want that and last I checked, as an adult, I can choose the life I live. It also means that as an adult, if you can't handle being loved, I won't force you to stay around me. The right people will be there in God's time because He loves me enough to send them whenever they and I are ready.

You see, love is patient and understanding. Life sucks for everyone sometimes, but I am so looking forward to when you and/or I have enough energy to spend time together again.

You see, love seeks and thrives in honesty. I don't do fake connections nor do I let the majority of people into my life in a way that could affect me. I seek honest, authentic connections. And honestly? Some connections are just for a season and we have no idea how long that season will be. I also do my best to avoid lying to myself... that one is harder than not lying to other people.

You see, love is not insisting on it's own way or rude or arrogant. Love is not self-serving. My love does not ask what you are doing for me. My love asks how can I help your day get better. My self-love balances it out with letting you know when I need something and when my needs are regularly side-lined, then I will try to not be rude with my exit. Neither person's needs are more important and what happens is typically based on what both people have the capacity for in that moment of time. I don't stop loving you if you can't handle my desires. I just wish you the best and honestly hope that you will find all that you desire! Our paths may or may not cross again.

You see, love makes it very hard for me to hold a grudge. Some people confuse my insane memory for holding a grudge, but the unique thing about me? I can love you and hope that you will find happiness one day while still remembering every reason you gave me to never, ever give you access to my life again.

You see, love is beautiful: it endures, it believes, it hopes, and bears the tests and trials of this world. The way you know whether or not you have found someone who can love... really love... is to believe they are out there somewhere and that you will meet in God's (the ultimate love's) time; hope that when you give them love that they won't destroy the gift or demand more; endures within you even after being broken time and time again; and it bears patiently with people who doubt that when you say "I love you" that you simply just mean that without any strings and without them doing anything for you.

When I do say "I love you," know that I took a leap of trust. When you want to know why, I will tell you. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you gave to me in physical things or emotional things. It has everything to do with me finally being completely honest with you.

When I do say "I love you," know that I have every reason to not love you. You can hurt me. You can try to destroy my peace. You can manipulate it into something it isn't and attempt to use it to control me.

Yet, I love you because you are amazing and haven't lost the spark to be authentic. I love you because of who you are. I love you because I see what my 4 year old sees when she says "I love you so much!"... with the addition of trust that I will be strong enough in my self-love to be able to keep myself safe from you if I was wrong and if I missed the signs of caution.

I occasionally love without saying it. There are social rules about not saying it to another girl's man, but let's face it - I have no interest in socializing with a married/committed man. There are professional rules about not saying it professionally - but sometimes I still slip up there too! Sometimes that has meant that I have lost supports in my team; sometimes that has meant long uncomfortable conversations about "fitting in;" and sometimes that has meant that I have been let go by my boss for not having enough professionalism.

But, if you are seeking a friendship role (or more) in my life, just know that it comes with a love that is very hard to replicate and that obviously doesn't happen very often in the world that we live in.

I love you because I can. :-)