I Am Different

It's not easy being plus size. Now, I know what you are probably going to think while reading this. It's not easy being a different race. It's not easy being a different gender. Heck it's not easy being human. I understand all that completely. It's not easy being different. Just being a smidge different than what the norm calls for makes you some sort of weirdo. And then you are made fun of, looked at weird, or shunned. Believe me, I know. But I'm here to tell you that it's not easy being plus size. Because, well, I'm plus size. I've been plus size for as long as I can remember. I've struggled with my weight a lot. You never know when a guy is hitting on you or when he's only talking to you because his friend dared him. Or if he's talking to you because he's "being nice." People don't feel sorry for you. They think it's your fault that you are this size. And maybe it is. But what I do know is that I have a lot of emotions going on in my head. And that's what makes me eat. It's probably what makes a lot of people eat. But I am not speaking for everyone. This is just my experience. But it could be a reason. You want to run from your emotions. And you aren't sure what to do. But all you know is that food is a comfort. And you will always, ALWAYS, run to something that comforts you. It's better to feel comforted in some way than to feel horrible and wallow in that feeling forever.

I don't think I've ever been below a size 16. Sometimes I'm happy about that. Because I love my curves. I think they make me look gorgeous. But then there are times where I hate them. It's a love/hate relationship with your body. The hatred is winning. When you go shopping, they don't always have your size. And you must search forever to find something that will somewhat fit you. But even then, you are still disappointed in it. Why? Because it's hideous. It's not flattering. It doesn't hug your curves in the right way to make you look sexy. Or it doesn't hide the bulge known as your stomach so you look a bit slimmer. It doesn't bring out the best feature you have, in fact, it hides pretty much everything. no one makes cute clothes for plus size people. "Society doesn't want to see that." Right. Like we forgot. So let's pile on as much fabric on to their blob of a body and maybe that'll make it easier on their eyes. Or make us feel like we are giant tents. Thanks. You must shop at a special store. If you can even find a store. Because god knows it would be a crime to have just as many plus size stores as there are "normal" size stores. Most plus size shopping must be done online. I should know. That's where most of my clothes come from. I would say a good 80% of my clothes come from online shopping. Never once was I able to go into a dressing room and try on something cute in my size. But even then, I don't think I would be able to go into a dressing room. Looking in the mirror as you are trying on clothes and looking, really looking, at how the clothes fit you is a definite soul crusher. I always feel less then whenever I am done trying on clothes. I walk away with my head hung low and nothing in my arms. I used to go into dressing rooms when I was younger, thinking that I would look as cute as most girls my age. That look that I saw in MY mirror wasn't the same as the ones in other mirrors. When I would first step into the fitting room, there is this small gut-wrenching feeling. That I know what I am going to see in the mirror. But I don't want to believe it. That what I see in the mirror at home is all a lie. It will always be a lie. As soon as I put on the clothes and I turn around, I am met with the image I knew was going to be there. It puts this feeling in my gut. Like a small voice that is creeping up on your intestines. Slowly making its way up to your brain. It punctures each organ with its tiny little claws. And once it gets to your brain it shouts as loud as it possibly can "YOU ARE HIDEOUS!" and all you can do is turn around, undress and take the clothes back to where they belong. (Make sure to put your clothes back on though).

Online shopping is never easy either. It's major hassle. You think it would be as easy as selecting your size, because you know you and you know what you fit. And then the outfit or item would fit you just right. Wrong. Some stores have sizes that are supposed to be that size but are never quite that way. Nope. You got to have certain measurements. And then you must figure out those measurements, even though I'm pretty sure most of us not measured ourselves once. If you have, dang you are way ahead of the game then I am. I'm probably missing something. I have no idea what size my waist is in inches! Heck! I don't even know what my chest is most days! Why can't this be all so simple? There are certain standards for plus size people too. You can't be unique. If you are a plus size woman you must have a big chest as well as a big ass. Like that's realistic. I have a big ass, but I definitely do not have a big chest. So, you can imagine how hard it is for me to find everything I need at a plus size store. I must go there then I must go to a "regular" store and buy my tops. Too much traveling.

But back to online shopping. Once the garment is selected and you checked out, a feeling of excitement reaches you. You have finally picked something cute to wear. And you wait for it to arrive. When it finally does, the moment of truth can either be a hit or a miss. Most of the time it's a miss. Because some people don't know how to really decide for plus size people that may be the same size but don't always have the same body type. I mean, come one, not all plus size girls have huge boobs. But don't get me wrong. Plus size clothes have come a long way. And there are stores that have amazing clothes that fit great! If the item fits perfectly then yay! You have something cute to wear. If not, you must go through the hassle of filling out a return form, printing out a return label and shipping out the item. Which mind you, I get really lazy to even go to the post office sometimes. So actually, shipping the item out takes a while. Which makes my wait time a lot longer. And that's no fun. But that's my fault. I will admit that. Or I just don't even bother filling out the return form and I end up keeping the item that doesn't even fit me. It takes up space in my closet and I'm not sure what I can do with it. So, then I have a closet full of things that don't fit me. Which doesn't add to my self confidence. It's a constant reminder that I'm a slob. Or, at least, that's what I call myself.

Reminding yourself every day that you don't fit into something isn't a good thing. It brings you down and always makes you feel as if you can't accomplish anything. You always feels as if your goals are meaningless because you can't achieve that goal of being skinny. I feel like that all the time. I feel as if since I cannot look like all those women in magazines, I've already failed at life. I feel like that's the major goal that everyone needs in their life. Isn't that what life is all about? Being beautiful and getting an equally beautiful mate to drape across your arm. But why is that the thing that everyone strives for in life? To be beautiful? Aren't we already beautiful? Aren't we already meant to be exactly where we are supposed to be in life? In theory. Because we do have to push ourselves that exact path. But we shouldn't have to change our appearances just to please the public. It should be to please yourself. We just have to add onto that life that we were given. Instead, we listen to all those outside voices that tell us to be something else. And it's more than outside voices. It's a whole army of outside voices. If it's not a parent telling you need to diet, it's a male or female telling you they will not date you because you are too fat. Fat, that words stings to the core. It's a three-letter word but it has so much power. It can be the difference between life or death. That three-letter word can make someone feel as if they are not good enough to be loved. That they cannot find anyone to accept them for who they are. It's okay that everyone else gets accepted for who they are. But not fat people. Or anyone different. I'm not saying that it's only fat people who are being picked on. It's just something that I've experienced. This is my experience. This does not, DOES NOT, apply to every plus size woman out there. It might. It might not. End of rant.