Hardly Ever Wanted

I only know how to feel when I am wanted. And girls like me are hardly ever wanted. People around me make me feel this way. As if I don’t belong here in this world. They give you this feeling that just hurts and destroys you. It’s a feeling so lonely it leaves a stench in the pit of my stomach. So each time I open up my mouth to say something that holds even the littlest of meaning to me, it rots even before it makes it out. All because of the people around me. All because of this world called society. I have felt the hand of society press down on me for years. I stare at the scars that litter my skin. The criticism and words make me want to hurt myself. They make me want to open up the very skin that I’m supposed to be living in. The scars open up rivers of possibilities. Rivers that lead to nothing but bad vibes. What is this fear of standing out and being unique? So afraid that we turn to violence to hush those fears. We are so obsessed with dying that no one will notice that they are even there. We can’t be gay without being pushed back in our dusty closets. We can’t be weird without being wrapped up in a cocoon that we were placed in from the beginning. And I am both gay and weird. And for that I was shunned and made to feel like an outcast. But not everyone made me feel like that. There was one person in my life. Reanne. She knew exactly how to make me feel as if I was wanted and that I truly belonged in this world.

When I first met Reanne we were in middle school. I was sitting alone for lunch. I had just been made fun of because of my overalls and how “tacky” they appeared. I was crying in the corner near the gym when someone came up behind me and asked if I was okay.

“Huh? Oh, yeah I’m fine,” I said as I tried to wipe away all evidence of my crying. There was a girl with beautiful, long brown hair standing in front of me. She was very pretty but plain at the same time. She smiled at me.

“Are you sure? Cause your face is red and puffy.”

“Oh…” I tried to think of an explanation but nothing came to mind.

“I saw what those girls did to you. Making fun of you like that,” She said. “Personally I think your overalls are adorable. They make you look cute.” She offered me a smile that showed off all her white teeth. There was just something about her smile that made me want to smile back. I could feel my cheeks start to turn upward without a second thought. I gave her my best smile in return.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I’m Reanne by the way.” She offered me her hand. I stared at it in bewilderment then slowly slipped my hand into hers. She shook it eagerly.

“I’m Jesse,” I said. My heart felt strangely lighter as Reanne continued to smile back at me. For the rest of the lunch Reanne and I talked about everything and anything. Days after that we spent every waking moment together.

I watched as blood seeped from underneath my flesh that seemed nothing more than a disguise to hide myself from my enemies. I sighed in disgust at the broken skin around the wounds. It’s so easily hurt. I’m so easily hurt. This fleshy costume of a body. I poke my arm and watch as an indent is made. Just a mere touch can move it. I sigh and let the wind from my lungs cause the hairs on my arm to dance. They dance to a song that is all their own. They are so free to be what they want. Why can’t I? I stare at the mirror that is before me. There is nothing but a reflection there. A simple, weak reflection. Another person stared back at me. They see what I see. They look how I look. They blink when I blink. But they can never truly understand what is going on inside. My insides are different than theirs. I’m sure their insides are filled with butterflies and unicorn farts. Glitter, spice and all the fuzzy tails of bunnies. But on my side, reality resides. I really wish I could go over to her side. See all the wonder reality wants to hide. I wish I could be the person that Reanne wants me to be. Reanne. The thought of her happy face turning into disappointment pulled at my emotions. I couldn’t stand to see her so sad. But then again I couldn’t stand to live with these emotions that were killing me inside. Unfortunately, the emotions were stronger than the pull of Reanne. I felt regret as I thought about that. Reanne was my rock and I let that slip.

I stared back at my reflection. She blinked when I blinked. I want to see her side. I want to see what she sees. Is everything as ugly as I see them? Do her insides hurt with each word that is said to her by the very people she thought she could trust? Or does she always feel happiness and joy with each passing minute? I want to know. I pointed my hand at her. There were small droplets of blood creating a home on three of my fingers. I stared at them for a moment, wondering if they will fall. They remain where they are, deciding that that’s the perfect place to be. I looked back at the girl in the mirror. She looked back at me. She pointed at me, just as I pointed at her. The red on her arm becomes a blur. It doesn’t look as bad as the red on my arm. It doesn’t look like she’s bleeding. Do you even bleed?

“Now look here. Your life is probably a lot more magical than mine. You probably see rainbows and butterflies every single day of your life.” I shook my head as she did the same. She was denying what I was saying. “Not me. Not here. Too damn hot to have butterflies. Sometimes, that is. But then again, why would butterflies want to live in a place like this? With so many negative horrible people living here?” I watched as she placed her hand back down into her lap. The red disappeared. She seemed to be perfectly fine. She blinked back at me, waiting to be told more. I shrugged my shoulders at her and raised my eyebrows. “What? Nothing to say? That’s because you know I am right.” I stared at her some more. She stared back. There is nothing left to be said. She won’t understand. I turned back to my wrists There were pretty shades of red making their way down to the crevice of my arm. It felt like running water ready to welcome the skin. I stared as the red began to shine. Just then a door opened somewhere behind me. I didn’t bother turning to see who it was. I could already guess from the raspy gasp and rapid, high heel footsteps.

“What in the hell do you think you are doing?!” Reanne said as she ran over and grabbed my wrist. I looked back at her bright chubby face. Her cheeks were round and pouty. Her eyes were big and green. She had her hair tied back into a lazy ponytail. I smiled at her as she smeared the redness further down my arm. God how I always loved those chubby cheeks. I just wanted to lay one gently kiss on each cheek. The feeling of regret for what I did overcame me once again. My love for Reanne is supposed to be stronger. Why did I do this? Because I hate myself so much. Reanne deserves better.

“Shit,” She said as she realized what she was doing wasn’t making anything better. She looked around for something to wipe away the red. The beautiful unique red. This red let you know you were alive. I waved my hand at her to dismiss her panic.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry baby. Everything is hunky dory and a bag of chips.” I gave her a weak smile. I didn’t feel like smiling. There really didn’t seem like it was the time to smile. But I wanted her to smile back at me. I loved it when she smiled. It was like a baby panda realized it was alive and was filled with nothing but joy. It made you feel so warm inside.

“No! It is not okay.” She sighed with frustration. “We need to get you to the hospital. You’ve lost so much blood.” I knew she was wrong. I hadn’t really lost as much blood as she was making it seem. She couldn’t find anything close enough to wrap my arm with so she settled for her plaid sweater. She quickly ripped it off her shoulders and wrapped it around my arm. She pulled on it tight, hoping to stop the bleeding. I could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes. Big blue was about to release its rivers. As if on cue, a tear slowly made its way around the mounds of her cheeks. She looked at me with pleading in her eyes. “Jesse, baby, we need to get you to the hospital. Please. Get up, we got to go.” Her voice broke a little as she said each word. “Why would you do this? I thought you were getting better. Please, let’s go to the hospital.” She pulled on my arm, trying to not make contact with the wound. I tugged back, indicating that I didn’t want to go. But she kept pulling on my arm.

I stared at the discarded weapon lying on the floor next to my feet. It looked like it belonged there. That was its home, the floor. No one to pay attention to it, no one to pick it up. Those little droplets of red with rust and attach themselves permanently onto it’s shiny surface until someone decided to give it a proper home. I looked back at Reanne’s face. She was giving me a pleading look.

“I couldn’t help it,” I replied. I could hear my voice crack a little as I saw more tears begin to appear in her eyes. I lifted my other hand and placed it gently on the side of her cheek. I shushed her gently, trying to calm her tears. “Don’t cry baby girl. Everything is okay. It was just a slip. I don’t need to go to the hospital. I will be okay.” I tried to pull my arm out of her grip. But she wouldn’t let go. I could feel tears begin to form in the corner of my eyes. I had caused this pain to Reanne. It was my fault she was crying. She should never cry like this. She deserves better.

“A little slip? You can’t tell me this is a little slip!” she replied. She uncovered her now spotted red shirt from my arm and showed me the extent of my handiwork. Slashes up and down my arm. The blood was starting to cake around the wound. Tiny droplets were trying to escape. But they got trapped among the many piles of blood. Well, now there really is no reason for me to go to the hospital. The blood was already starting to dry. The cuts weren’t that deep. The skin would heal again. And again. And again. I blinked. I hadn’t done something like this in a very long time. “I’ll be right back.” She ran to the bathroom connected to our bedroom. Her heels clicking and clacking as she went. Why did I even do this? I stared at my wounds as if they could answer me. A flash of yelling and smashing of things came to my mind. Ah, yes, the fight. It was about two days since it happened. I had gotten into a fight with my mother. I had just told her I was gay. Of course, as any other living person should, she freaked out. She started crying asking me if it was her fault. I told her it was no one’s fault. That that is how I was born.

“I love girls,” I said proudly as she continued to sob.

“But why?” she replied. I told her the thought of a man touching me every night for the rest of my life disgusted me. It repulsed me in a way that she could never understand. But the sad thing is, I thought she would understand. My father had left us. And for the longest time after that, I remember my mother telling me how despicable men were. She was always going on about how you couldn’t trust them nowadays because they were always going to hurt you in the end. I thought she would be relieved to find out that I preferred women over men. I didn’t wait for her to reply. I moved forward by telling her that I was in love with Reanne, my best friend.

“Reanne? Really? You can’t be serious? This is just a phase you two are going through. You think that you are in love. But you aren’t. You two have been best friends for forever. Of course you think that you are in love!” she yelled at me. She laughed under her breath. She didn’t seem to believe anything that I was saying. It all seemed like a joke to her.

“No, this isn’t a phase mother. This is reality. I love Reanne and Reanne loves me. We want to be with each other. Like man and wife,” I said. I placed my arms across my chest and stared at her. She had her back to me and was cleaning the kitchen counter. The fact that she thought this whole thing was a joke hurt. I started to hate her at that moment.

“Women can’t marry each other. That’s not the way God intended. You two would never make it out there on your own. You need a man to take care of you. You need a man to make the money for you and get you places,” she said. She dropped the rag that she was using. She stared at me. She had such hate in her eyes. It was a bit scary. I stepped back a few inches. I almost backed down.

“God doesn’t want this. God doesn’t want that. You are always using that excuse. How about what I want? Wouldn’t that be nice to know? I want to be with Reanne. I want to be happy with her and possibly raise a family sometime in the near future. Two women can get married. According to the law,” I said. I gave her a look and stared her down. I wasn’t going to back down. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be with Reanne. She meant everything to me.

“Ha! The law has nothing against what is morally right. You two are committing a sin. Women are meant to be with men,” She replied. She laughed at me and shook her head. With everything that I was saying she was just mocking it. She wasn’t taking anything that I was saying seriously. I clenched my fists as I stared daggers at her.

“Oh, like dad was meant to stay with you? He didn’t want to be with a woman like you. He left you for a younger woman. Was that something that God intended? For dad to knock you up and leave you for someone else? That doesn’t seem morally right to me. So what makes you so sure that women were meant to be with men?” as soon as the words were out of my mouth I regretted it. We hadn’t mentioned my dad in a very long time. He was a taboo word in our house. I could see the pain in my mother’s eyes as soon as I was done saying it. She walked around the kitchen counter and walked straight at me. It took all my courage not to back away and run. She looked like a raging bull out for the red.

“Your father didn’t know what a great thing he had. He was a man that didn’t appreciate the things that God gave him. Your father left me,” she got really close to my face, “that is true. But that doesn’t mean I was going to run into the arms of another woman. He gave me a child which is what God wants. I loved you more than anything. I could have hated you because you are your father’s child. But no. God gave me the strength to have love and joy over a baby girl. And that’s all I needed from your father. You and Reanne will never, ever, have a family because you are two filthy women!” she was breathing hard. I could see veins popping out slightly from her forehead. For a minute there, I almost forgot why I was there in the first place. She was terrifying when she got angry. I shook my head and reminded myself that I wasn’t going to give up. I wanted this life and if my mother wasn’t going to be a part of it then that was how it had to be. This was how I had to accept it in order to be with Reanne. I took a few steps forward, forcing her to take a few steps back.

“Reanne and I are perfectly capable of having children. And you, nor anyone else, will stop us!” I pushed my way passed my mother. I had nothing else to say to her. She clearly did not understand what I was feeling. She had hurt me more than she could ever understand. So there was no point in trying to explain anything to her. I walked towards the door. She yelled my name and for me to come back. I could hear her pick up a few things and start throwing them at me when I didn’t respond. I felt something hit me in the back of the head. I just kept walking towards the door.

“You walk out this door young lady you will never be allowed back into my house ever again! Do you hear me?” she screamed. I paused as I got to the front door. My hand hovered over the knob. It glistened at me, telling me there was another world just beyond the door’s borders. A better world. All I had to do was turn the knob and open the door.

“Then I guess I’m never coming back.” I turned the knob and walked out the door. I could hear my mother screaming my name as I walked away from my childhood home.

Reanne came back sniffling and trying to hold back tears. She had a handful of gauze in her hand. “Lemme see your arm.” She gently pulled at my arm and placed it in her lap. I felt the coolness of her thighs as she began to wrap and dress my wounds. Her skin was always cool, even when it was boiling hot outside. I smiled and let my eyes drift themselves shut. I felt very tired all of a sudden. Dream little lids, dream.

“Jesse, Jesse.” I felt Reanne’s hands close on either side of my face. I slowly opened my eyes to find hers inches away from me. “Should I take you to the hospital now? Are you feeling woozy? Is it because you’ve lost too much blood?” She looked panicked mixed in with her sadness. I had never seen true sadness until that moment. It was like I had ripped her heart out and left it out to dry in the hot sun. I stared at my arm. The blood had dried. It was crusty. How long had we been sitting here? 20 minutes? 30? An hour? I looked back at Reanne’s face. Suddenly her tears looked foreign. They didn’t belong. She was always happy. Reanne was the person I counted on for my daily dose of happy. She was never down. It took a bulldozer and then some to take this girl’s happy down. I placed my hands on top of hers. I could feel more tears push their way to build in the corner of my eyes. This time I let them fall freely.

“Baby, I’m okay. Really. I feel fine. Look,” I held up my arm for her to see, “the blood has dried. I didn’t cut deep enough to puncture anything. I don’t need to go to the hospital. I’m sorry.” I grabbed her face and pressed my lips against hers. I felt the softness of her lips as they embraced mine. It felt like home. She pressed her lips back to mine then eagerly wrapped her arms round me and squeezed. I felt comfort in those arms. I always have. It felt like the entire world and its problems disappeared to be nothing more than a shadow that followed you around.

“Can you tell me why you did it?” she said. She slowly started to stroke my hair as my chin rested nicely on her shoulder. I shifted my weight so that I could pull my cell phone from my pocket. I stared at its black screen as it stared back at me, mocking me. I had gotten phone calls since I had left my mother’s house. Phone calls from my family.

After I had left my mother’s house, my Aunt Carol called me. She had asked me why I had made my mother so upset. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But my Aunt Carol had a way of making things a bigger deal than they really were.

“I didn’t mean to. She wouldn’t listen to me,” I said. I could just imagine my aunt pacing back in forth in her kitchen.

“Did you take the time to listen to her? Did you consider anything she was telling you?” she said.

“Yes, I did. My entire life. Aunt Carol, I’m 22 years old. I don’t need the same lecture over and over again from my mother. I need to be able to make my own life decisions and have my mother support me.” I sighed and leaned up against the wall. I stared out the window. The sky was blue and I could see cars rushing back and forth. People driving safely and people driving crazy. This was typical Albuquerque traffic. I had the window open a crack. I could hear honking from the cars. There was a police siren going off somewhere in the distance.

“Your mother has supported you your entire life. She has raised you on her own with no one there to help her. Do you think that’s easy? For a single mother to raise a child without the father?” she didn’t wait for me to reply. “No, it’s not. It’s difficult. But your mother still did it. She didn’t ask for help or anything.”

“I know that Aunt Carol. But I am not my mother. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I appreciate everything that my mother has done for me. But now it’s time to cut the cord and move on with my life. I can’t be the same person my mother is. I’m not the same person she is,” I said. I wondered how much of this was actually going to get through to her. Was there even a point in talking to her? Or was it going to end up being the same conversation with my mother?

“You know what? I think you just don’t appreciate anything that your mom has done for you. You are choosing to be gay. Just to hurt your mother. You don’t care about anything that she has done for you. You are just trying to hurt her. Honestly, what are you accomplishing from all this? I don’t see anything good coming from this. I just hope no one else finds out what you are doing.” I could just see her now shaking her head at the phone, her blonde curls smacking her face. “I hope your mother’s friends don’t find out. God knows what they would think of her if they did. They would say she raised you wrong. I mean, she still has to see them on holidays. She goes to church with them for goodness sake! I hope you know what’s best by keeping your little secret a complete secret.” Before I could reply my aunt had hung up on me. I stood there for a minute with my phone still to my ear, listening to nothing but the dial tone.

I couldn’t believe what just happened. A part of me did but then another part of me was in disbelief. I set my phone down and looked around. For some reason I felt really alone. More alone than usual. Reanne was at work. She worked at an elementary school. I stared at the clock. It was 2. She wouldn’t be home for a few more minutes. Suddenly I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of the apartment. I needed a drink. That’s what I need. A damn drink. I picked up my phone and called my friend Tatiana. I asked if she wanted to meet me at a bar for a few drinks. She agreed.

A few minutes later, Tatiana and I were sitting at the bar, having a few drinks. I was planning on getting as drunk as I possibly could with the little money I had in my pocket.

I looked at Tatiana and told her what had happened with my aunt and mom. I didn’t mention the part where the fight was about me being gay. How could I? How was I supposed to bring it up? What do you say? I was so nervous to tell her. Would she stop being my friend? Would she hate me? Would she turn away from me? The anxiety began to build with each passing second. My breathing became rapid as I thought about telling her. I looked over at Tatiana. She was busy on her phone. Probably texting her boyfriend. I hadn’t met him yet. They had been dating for four months. But with everything that was going on, we just hadn’t had time to see each other. She was my best friend, but for how much longer? I knew I needed to tell her but a little voice in my head said it was a bad idea. You’re going to lose everyone. I downed a few more shots of Tequila and ordered a beer. I chugged the beer as soon as the waitress placed it in front of me. Finally, I had the courage to tell her everything.

“Wow, I mean, wow.” Tatiana stared at her drink just as I finished telling her the last of the details. I stared back at her, waiting for her to respond. I could feel my heart pumping 100 mph in my chest. She didn’t say anything for the longest time.

“So…what do you think about the whole thing?” I finally asked. I couldn’t deal with the silence anymore. Tatiana slid her finger against her glass. She seemed to be thinking very hard about what she was going to say.

“Well,” she shrugged her shoulders, “you know. I don’t know. I just didn’t expect you to be…this way.” She gestured to me. I raised my eyebrow at her.

“What way? Gay?” I took another sip of my beer.

“Yeah, that.” She seemed uncomfortable with the word gay.

“Well, it’s not like I chose to be gay. I was born like this.” I said. I shifted in my seat, getting slightly upset with her.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just. I don’t know. I guess I don’t see what you see. I don’t get why girls are so attractive.” She threw back the rest of her beer and started to get up. I looked at her surprised.

“Wait, you’re leaving already? We’ve only been here for an hour.” I said. I glanced at the clock. 3:20.

“Yeah, I got to go. I have homework I need to finish before tomorrow.” She replied. She pulled out her purse to pay for her beer. I could tell she was trying to avoid eye contact with me.

“Oh, okay.” I looked at my beer and pretended that this wasn’t bothering me. I didn’t look up as she left. Tatiana and about three other people were my only friends. I had a hard time making friends. I wasn’t as social as Reanne was. I liked reading in a corner and being by myself. I hated being in a group of people. I loved doing things on my own. Until I met Reanne, that is. When I was in school I hated being in groups. It always made me uncomfortable. Like I was forcing my nail back from my finger. I would rather do things as a single person in a group. But unfortunately, that was never an option.

A few days following that day, I hardly heard from Tatiana. It was like our friendship never really existed. And I’m not going to lie. It made things hurt. It made things hurt a lot. I thought I could trust her. Aside from Reanne, Tatiana and I did everything together. She was the only other person I thought I could go to with my problems and the only other person who I thought would accept me. I guess I was wrong.

I sighed into Reanne’s shoulder. I remembered the feeling of being alone enveloping my heart. I felt like I had no energy to pick everything up and continue on with my life. It was just too exhausting. When I had grabbed the knife, I had intended to do some serious damage. But then I glanced over at a picture that was hanging on the wall. It was a picture of Reanne and I. We looked so happy. We were at the park. It was a selfie picture but I could see trees and grass in the background. We had gone just as a relaxing day to ourselves. We had planned a huge picnic. We watched as children ran past, playing with their friends. We watched as elderly couples walked back, hand in hand. We listened as birds chirped overhead and cars whooshed on by. It was such a serene day. I loved it. I sat there with Reanne’s head in my lap. Nothing else seemed to matter, except for the girl laying on my lap.

Remembering that stopped me from going any deeper. Those feelings of feeling happy and at peace, that stopped everything from going black.

Reanne ran her hand down my back. I sighed as the sensation comforted me. I wanted to tell Reanne why I did this to myself. I wanted to tell her everything. She knew about my mom and my aunt. But she didn’t know about Tatiana. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling and how all this was making me feel. But as I sat there in her arms, none of that really mattered. What mattered was the woman I had in my arms at that very moment. I could still feel the pain drifting around in my chest. The tightness loosened only a little.

Reanne pulled away from me so she could look into my eyes. “Baby, are you going to tell me why you did this?” She had a look of concern still etched on her face. She glanced at my wounds then back at me.

“It doesn’t matter. Right now I just want to lay here with you.” I got up and pulled her towards the bed. We laid down and Reanne wrapped her arms around me.

“But what about your wounds? Shouldn’t you go to the hospital? There looked like there was a lot of blood.” She held me close to her chest. I smelled her perfume. It smelled of lilacs. I took it in before replying.

“It wasn’t that deep of a cut.” I said again. I would be okay. I nestled my head deeper into her chest. This felt right. I sighed as I felt comforted just lying there with her.

We laid there in silence. The events of the past few days seemed to disappear. For now anyways. They faded into the background with all the honking cars and speeding traffic. Just this once, just long enough for me to fall asleep in Reanne’s arms.