History Of Narcissistic Abuse

So after writing in this journal def stops me from being miserable or feeling misery which is slightly different I feel. I slept till half 6 after man gate and obviously my head was full of sadness but not over spilling into talking to the man who doesn't deserve my time currently. I got the child ready for school and head off.. I sat in my car just feeling like a giant glum sits on my shoulders as I think about going home where my life is pretty miserable mostly. I decided to drop in my keys and go to my mums instead. Not to be childish but I don't need the drama and resentment in my life. 

I left him snacks to take ( that I bought with love before this ) and I received 2 messages from him thanking me. I said ok. I will find it hard not to go all in and tell him hes a fucking arsehole to treating me like shit or just not texting him at all... not responding will be childish but I'm not into hiding elephants so I need to respond nicely but wont actively contact him. Let him have his 3 days fun and then talk when he gets back.. although what about I dont know. I'm not going to accept bad behaviour anymore from anyone. Why the hell do I think of others feelings before my own. My feelings yesterday were that I wanted to spent time with my bf. I showered and tanned etc.. I didn't eat dinner so I could eat with him. There's nothing wrong in that.. He wanted to get the mud sorted in the garden and go to bed so we disconnect. I need to spent 3 days reconnecting with myself and I have to get my needs met and I'm done apologizing for it.

I've been reading 'how not to give a f*ck' and a book on co dependency and I believe they are helping me realized I deserve to be happy too. I am in control of my own life and I don't need anyones approval in it.

1:39pm Don't change your whatsapp picture or saying.. don't stalk him or track him.. just let it go and think about my own happiness... he is not thinking about you 

6:23pm Struggling on a 1-10 is prob a 6. Checking my phone, checking my phone, checking my phone. Tears- zero. Over thinking prob a 4. Not too bad. Sure that the man is enjoying his time with his friends and that's all cool. I have to sit and watch the child's play and watch his happy face and remember that he does love me without condition and I'm everything to him and that's all what matters or should matter to me. Whats gonna be is what is gonna be. I need to just back off to a 1. 

So, day 2- I slept well and took Roo to school, did my hair and went to breakfast with the sister. Total messages to him yesterday = 6. Today so far 3. Preoccupation prob a 6. My heart hurts slightly but tears a zero. Will go see friend at 4. Thinking about my feelings and wondering, do I miss him or am I sad we had a fight? I'm sad that we didn't enjoy Tues night together, I think i'm getting over it and it's not a big deal but I'm still pissed off that he decided I was in a bad mood and so just didn't bother engaging with me. That's sad that he didn't want to soothe me or make me feel better or even want to know why... I need to take a step back from this relationship and decide if it's even what I want any more. If I could have a home and pay for it without him would we still be together? Am I happy the way things are? No that's obvious. We are just house mates and he makes every decision about our relationship. It's got to stop. 

Most relationships decide to live together and stay in the same room every night. They don't only spend a couple of days a week together. The hiding in his room thing has to stop. I'm not doing it.. I want a full normal relationship or nothing. I'm literally sitting around like a puppy waiting to be noticed. Fuck it it's over. I'm not playing this game anymore. The freezing me out, not speaking thing is over. I'm a fiery woman normally and the whole walking over me thing is stopping. I wont contact him again today, I wont be an arse hole and ignore but I need to disengage with the bullshit.  I have all the power and I need to grow a pair and stop acting like a child. 

If I get 70% of the house I can pay off the debts and still have 60k to do what the fuck I like. Do I even want to buy a house? Actually, after looking at houses near friend I'd rather have one of them!

6:06pm Home from friends and 2 glasses of wine and after another conversation where the mans behaviour is totally unreasonable I'm struggling with no contact misery 7/10 hes not contacting me not because hes miserable but because he doesn't care and has his friends to entertain him. Now sitting here alone I'm feeling misery. Why did I drink for fuck sake! I deserve to be loved and missed for fuck sake this is my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I need to be cared for and loved and missed. I deserve that. I deserve the chance to be happy and cherished and taken care of..

DAY 3- Struggle today is like a 9. I'm feeling upset and heartbroken and have cried which is annoying. Why am I crying and upset today. I'm crying for a life I wanted, a home I wanted and a relationship I wanted. It's like watching a burning building and not being able to save it. I can't do this anymore. I'm so miserable today and I'm pissed off I'm so miserable.. No one should have the power to make me feel so miserable. What shall I do when he gets in.. I don't want to go in on him.. he's not worth it. I want to hug and kiss him an have him tell me everything is going to change. I need to take the money from the house and move on alon