Diary Of Narcissistic Abuse

LONDON AND OTHER THINGS..

These diary entries are from 7 years ago. The different text is added to explain here in 2024.

So Thursday I'n crying about the mans lack of any affection and lack of any accountability for anything at all and then Fri the nice one was back and I'm surrounded by love and care once again.. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster that I'm refusing to get off.  I feel like I was supportive all weekend, I had a lovely time bar being dragged along the road at top speed by a 6ft 2 stride man who never notices I'm always running next to him. I almost ended up with a large latte bath Sunday for reasons I still don't know but apart from that it was good..

*2024 The Latte bath- Imagine you are walking around the London streets, we were looking for coffee shops on a Sunday morning. Costa was on the horizon, I could smell it! But, the man decides that I haven't been 'good enough' to walk the 10 metres to the shop so he dives into the local shop for one of those instant coffee machines.

I'm disappointed, I can't have anything except a black coffee from the machine because I can't have dairy. I decline. He gets his coffee and we leave. Me empty handed. We walk towards the underground and I am quiet, upset at again having my feelings overlooked. He turns to me and says 'ohh the coffee is nice' I reply 'Yeah I wouldn't know' then before the last word comes out of my mouth, he turns and the entire coffee, hot coffee at that! is thrown directly at me. It opens and then bounces off and almost hits a woman and baby walking past.

We carry on walking... Yes I don't react.. He is walking fast and I am walking after him, pretending nothing has happened..I am on a holiday.. I am going to ruin it if I say anything.. I catch him up and I SAY SORRY! Yes, I SAY SORRY. We go to the museum, me having to change my clothes from the hot liquid that is still all over me. I carry on the day, being very careful not to ruin the day again..

Fast forward and it appear that 2 days is enough to keep the girlfriend happy and out of 14 days I get 2 days and should be happy for ever more. I sat in the garden last night and my nice man said all the right things and I was feeling dare I say it happy ... today the other man was back and I got 1 min sex with no happy ending and fuck all after that. I got him some snacks and a drink for his journey and now I look across the room and feel hopelessly stupid for being thoughtful around a thoughtless ignorant person who doesn't deserve me. I wanted to spend some time with my man before he goes off for 3 days and he couldn't care less and would rather sieve mud than make sure i'm in a good place when he goes. He'd rather not bother with me and then come down and blame me for everything. I think he's purposely picked a fight so he doesn't have to speak to me for 3 days while he's away. I'm sitting alone AGAIN while he doesn't give a shit... I'm building a life with this person? 80% of me wants to go upstairs and curl up with him and forget it all but writing it out makes me restrained and helps me to understand that I'm only rewarding his bad behaviour. Let him him go away and have his 3 days and not speak to me.. i'll survive and actually I'll lose nothing, he'll lose everything by treating me badly.